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God free humor.

Started by afreethinker30, July 17, 2008, 04:58:21 PM

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afreethinker30

QuoteHelen was not the most attentive in church. Usually she slept through the service. One day, aware of this fact, the preacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Helen, who created the universe?'' When Helen didn't stir, her husband took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty!'' shouted Helen and the preacher said, ''Very good'' and Helen fell back to sleep.

A while later the preacher asked Helen, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Helen didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, her husband came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Helen and the preacher said, ''Very good,'' and Helen fell back to sleep.

Then the preacher asked Helen a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, her husband jabbed her with the pin. This time Helen jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!'' The preacher fainted.

QuoteA man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he'd go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMN fine sermon."

The preacher says, "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord."

The man says, "But preacher, seriously, I'm not a religious man, but that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."

The preacher says again, "Sir, while I appreciate what you're trying to say, I must be blunt: DO NOT use curse words in the Lord's house again."

The man says, "Well, anyway, I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $5000 dollars in the collection plate".

"No Shit?" says the Preacher.

QuoteThere was this young boy. As he was leaving to go to church, his mother gave
him a dollar for the collection plate. On the way, he passed a hamburger stand,
and bought a hamburger with the offering money. He ate half, and decided to save
the other half for after church. He put the other half in his pocket.
During church, the preacher was preaching, "The Lord is everywhere...He's in
the heavens, He's in the air, He's on the earth, He's in your house...The Lord
is everywhere!"
The boy jumps up, says, "Preacher, can I ask a question?" "Sure",says the
preacher. "Do you mean the Lord is everywhere?"
"Yep, He's everywhere".
The boy reaches down, opens his pocket and says,"Lord, if You're in there, please don't eat my hamburger!

afreethinker30

QuoteOne day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

QuoteA woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to heaven," the mother replied.
Her son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"


QuoteOne  beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:  "My good  people,  I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.  "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

QuoteDid you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa

What was the last thing Christ said?
"Peter, I can see your house from here!"

An old man went into the confession booth at the Catholic church and told the priest: "I am 82 years old and have been faithfully married to the same woman for 55 years, but last night I had the time of my life with two 18 year old twin sisters."
The Priest replied (as he mopped sweat from his brow): "How long has it been since you've been to confession?" The old man said, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then what are you doing here, telling me this?"
Old man: "Hey, I'm telling everybody."

afreethinker30

Quote21 Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins
By Richard Lederer
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.


Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.


This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.


Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.


Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.


Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.


This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter
.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.


Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.


The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.


The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."


Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.


During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.


The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.


The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.


The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.



afreethinker30


Tom62

An old atheist is dying and asks for a priest on his deathbed.
Atheist: "Father, I'd like to become a christian"
The priest is of course very happy and asks: "Did you finally found God?"
Atheist: "No of course not.  It is just better that a christian dies than an atheist."
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

afreethinker30

Quote from: "Tom62"An old atheist is dying and asks for a priest on his deathbed.
Atheist: "Father, I'd like to become a christian"
The priest is of course very happy and asks: "Did you finally found God?"
Atheist: "No of course not.  It is just better that a christian dies than an atheist."


 roflol

susangail

Quote from: "url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6ZpPdEZvao&NR=1[/url]"]Knock knock.
Who's there?
The atheists!
The atheists who?
The atheists--oh wait, never-mind! We don't knock on your fucking door and annoy you when you're trying to relax!

From the same comedian:

[youtube:yg6i6lv5]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rua4Rw8dDuQ[/youtube:yg6i6lv5]
When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and let the world wonder how you did it.