Punishing puns! and spoonerisms and malapropisms etc.

[Tank]

[Biggus Dickus]

I heard the substitute is a real bitch.

I don't know about that, she subbed for my Home Economics class, and her woofles were pawsome.

[Siz]

I entered a local newspaper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. No pun in ten did.

[Biggus Dickus]

I had trouble in one particular class in college because the professor had called on me to solve an exponential equation and I told her I couldn't because as an atheist I don't believe in higher powers.

[Guardian85]

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

[Biggus Dickus]

Question: If a Catholic Astronaut is weightless aboard the International Space Station, do they have mass?

[joeactor]

[Biggus Dickus]

As atheists and non-believers it's important for us to avoid joining dangerous cults, so please: Practice Safe Sects!

[Tank]

[Magdalena]

[Biggus Dickus]

Not sure if I've ever mentioned this here on the forum before, but when I was young and attending catholic school I briefly entertained the idea of becoming a monk, but found out I was cloisterphobic.

[Tank]

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "okay, where is he?"

[Tank]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

[Tank]

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal...

[Guardian85]

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"