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"Dad I'm an atheist."

Started by susangail, April 22, 2008, 04:54:12 AM

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susangail

I told my dad that I don't believe in God anymore (though not in the exact words of the subject title) so I thought I'd share my story.

As you may have already read from the other hundred times I mentioned it on this forum, I come from a conservative Christian family and I am a recent de-convert. Well, I haven't gone to church with my family since January and I'm now comfortable with calling myself an atheist.

My dad is pretty hardcore when it comes to religion so he wasn't too happy about me not going to church. I had a bunch of excuses at first, when I still wasn't sure if I believed or not (years of brainwashing is hard to sort through), but my dad still got pissed. A couple weeks ago, he caught me off guard in the car one night and invited me to church (again). I mumbled "I don't know" not wanting to get into it that late, and that was it. He was so mad in the morning but I didn't hear anything. Things were very awkward the next two days. He didn't talk to me or look at me, or even acknowledge my existence. I was on edge the entire time just waiting for him to snap (he has a temper) and so finally I told him that we needed to talk. He was about to leave for his monday night church group so he said we could talk when he got back (cause of course he can't skip one night to talk to his frantic daughter).

 So that night I talk to him. He had his religious look on his face and that smile that makes you want to slap him. That annoyed me. He was mad at me and he ignored me and he wouldn't even show it. No he's the godly one. Anyway, it took me about half an hour of rambling to finally talk about it. I chickened out and wasn't going to tell him but then he brought it up. He gave me this speech about how my journey with God isn't done and that all he is asking is for me to go to church until I'm 18 and then I can decide for myself (cause I'm a minor and therefore an idiot that can't think for herself). He said that when I turned 18 then I could be like 'Dad, I'm done'. and then he gave me that face and was like "is that so much to ask?" Ugh gag. So I said, "Dad, what if I'm done now?" It took him a minute to fully hear what I said (you have to know that I was hardcore, evangelize all the time, democrats are evil type Christian, so this is a bit of a shocker).

So then the speeches started. He held up his Bible and said it was the truth and the only truth and that he believes it with all of his heart blah blah blah. So then I mentioned the Book of Mormon and the Koran and he got so offended and called them "perversions of man". Then he went on to say that my mind has been poisoned and that he is going to spend the rest of his life showing me that the great Aslan, the One and Only, is the Way. He also said that this "isn't going to affect Henry" (yes he used third person) "Henry will not change, he will continue to believe in the truth." He always takes something I'm going through and makes it about him.

He said he didn't agree with my atheism and will not support is or respect it. I told him that I wasn't trying to de-convert my family, but that I'm just trying to make my views known. I also said that I don't expect him to agree with me or support me and I know he's going to try to show me I'm wrong, with which he interrupted me saying something like "it is not my job to show you that you're wrong, and you are, but it is God's job. It is His job to change your heart." So he basically told me he's going to try to show me I'm wrong but that it's not his job to show me that I'm wrong. (he contradicts himself all the time).

The next morning I told my mom (in a lot fewer words). I could tell she was sad but she told me that she didn't want anything to come between me and her (we're really close). She hasn't treated me any differently. She's a devout Christian but she doesn't preach at people. I was so relieved when she said that cause I think I would have died if she reacted like my dad.

The next few days were awkward but not anymore. He hasn't mentioned it again, and I would have thought he would. He's being really nice, which makes me think he's planning something. You have to know my dad. He just has issues. My mom told me that he wants me to go to therapy with someone at the church (I already go to therapy with a normal doctor but he wants someone who will preach at me i guess). But what makes me laugh is that he wanted me to go the the church therapist before I told him I didn't believe in God anymore. But that's my dad. He thinks he has to save everyone. I'm just waiting to see what he's planning especially now since my mind has been "poisoned".  

I'm really close with one of my sisters and she's also a really devout Christian, so I'm pretty much dreading telling her (cause I haven't). I don't see the other sister enough to be worried. And I have one friend that is a Christian and she will probably fall over if I tell her. I'm just so freaked out about what people will think of me. I've developed this reputation over the years of being a goody goody Christian girl that no one cusses around or anything like that. I'm not afraid of losing that, I'm just afraid that people will think I'll go to the other extreme like becoming a party-er or getting pregnant or something. My dad thought I went to the local park once or twice a week to buy drugs, which isn't me at all and he knows it. I normally don't care much about what people think of me, it just freaks me out that a lot of people will think less of me or think of me as lesser of a person. I know I shouldn't care but that's how I feel.

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.
When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and let the world wonder how you did it.

SteveS

Hey susangail,

Quote from: "susangail"I'm now comfortable with calling myself an atheist.
Congratulations - and I mean this sincerely!  I think this takes a measure of personal courage, especially given your background and situation, and I give you joy of your resolve!

For what's its worth, your father's position strikes me as deeply contradictory.  In one moment he grants you the right to decide for yourself (once you're 18, at least) and then in the next moment he declares that he'll spend his life trying to show you the "one true way".  I know this doesn't lessen the pain, but hopefully it helps to have an independent person make this observation.

(Oops, haha, I'm typing this as I go, and I noticed you already addressed this part further down):
Quote from: "susangail"(he contradicts himself all the time)
;)

Quote from: "susangail"I normally don't care much about what people think of me, it just freaks me out that a lot of people will think less of me or think of me as lesser of a person. I know I shouldn't care but that's how I feel.
None of us would be human if we didn't care what other people think about us.  I don't think you shouldn't care.  That doesn't mean I think you should pretend to be a Christian, just that I think its impossible not to care what people think about us (unless one is a sociopath, and you don't strike me as sociopathic in any way at all).  Having said that, you should know that there are going to be a lot of people (myself included) that think you're terrific for being true to yourself and honest with your parents.  This is a hard thing, and its not something that I had to go through, so I have no personal experience from which to offer help, for which I'm sorry.

Keep your chin up, I think you did good!  Try not to let this conflict depress you --- and don't believe anyone who says your mind is poisoned or that you're evil or immoral.  That's all just conversion attempt --- and the attempts seem shameless, because it sounds to me its as much about them as about you.  Take this observation, for example:

Quote from: "susangail"He always takes something I'm going through and makes it about him.
Given what you've written here, I believe this and I think this situation is no different.  There's a reason that your father behaves this way --- simply understanding this might help you deal with everything.  It seems like your father is fighting his own "demons".  Wrap this up with the fact that he most likely does sincerely love you and also most likely does sincerely believe that you'll come to harm for leaving the faith, and consider that he must be in his own world of hurt right now as well.  I offer this more as an "explanation" than an "excuse".

I give you cheers, susangail, and sincerely hope everything works out satisfactorily for you!

rlrose328

Ditto to all that Steve said... you are to be commended to making this very hard choice in life AND for telling your very religious father.  I'm sorry for his response, but just stick to your beliefs, know you won't ever change his mind, and just be true to you.  He doesn't even see that he's hurting you (and apparently doesn't care to see) and that's a huge shame on him for not being more openminded.

Again, good for you!  :D
**Kerri**
The Rogue Atheist Scrapbooker
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Will

I'm glad your mother was able to prioritize her relationship with you. That's pretty healthy. I wouldn't worry about other people thinking you're immoral. You know who you are and if they can't accept that fact, it's their loss.

If you need any help, please feel free to ask. It seems you're doing a good job so far.
I want bad people to look forward to and celebrate the day I die, because if they don't, I'm not living up to my potential.

susangail

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate the responses.
When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and let the world wonder how you did it.

jamesatracy

I can hardly imagine what you have gone through, but I can definitely appreciate your courage. Whether it is family, friends, or anyone else, it is definitely time that we stopped feeling ashamed about our beliefs. After all, WE are NOT the ones that believe a man walked on water and rose from the dead! WE are NOT the ones who believe that a loving God would punish all of humanity because two people ate some magical fruit from a tree, or that the same loving God would drown nearly the entire world because He was unsatisfied with His own creation.

We must remember that we are the ones that have logic, evidence, reason, and common sense on OUR side!

Susan, your story is a powerful one. I have set up a new website devoted to posting atheist stories and testimonials just like yours to provide guidance and support. I would be honored if you would contribute your story. You can learn how by visiting the link in my signature.

Good luck!

susangail

Quote from: "jamesatracy"I can hardly imagine what you have gone through, but I can definitely appreciate your courage. Whether it is family, friends, or anyone else, it is definitely time that we stopped feeling ashamed about our beliefs. After all, WE are NOT the ones that believe a man walked on water and rose from the dead! WE are NOT the ones who believe that a loving God would punish all of humanity because two people ate some magical fruit from a tree, or that the same loving God would drown nearly the entire world because He was unsatisfied with His own creation.

We must remember that we are the ones that have logic, evidence, reason, and common sense on OUR side!

Susan, your story is a powerful one. I have set up a new website devoted to posting atheist stories and testimonials just like yours to provide guidance and support. I would be honored if you would contribute your story. You can learn how by visiting the link in my signature.

Good luck!

It's so funny how the church sometimes plays fun at the Greek mythology when the biblical stories, like the resurrection as you said, are just as out-there if not more so. Thank you again and I most definitely will visit your site.
When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and let the world wonder how you did it.

MommaSquid

susangail, I sincerely hope you and your dad can find a way to have a decent relationship now that you've spilled the atheist beans.  Maybe your mother can help on that front.  I don't remember your age, but hopefully you won't be pressured every day from now until your 18th birthday (and beyond).

Continue being your same intelligent, loving, rational self and maybe your dad will realize that you aren't a terrible person just because you don't believe.  I don't envy your situation...this is why many atheist choose to be vague with their family members when religion comes up in conversation.  You are brave to speak your mind.

Kona

First let me commend you on your courage at even broaching the subject with your dad.  I realize it was not like you had a choice, but  you look like you are handling things really well.   I think it is much harder for parents to deal with this issue when their children still are 'young'  and inexperienced in the world (as they see it).  I was a Christian from when I was about 17 until sometime in my mid-thirties.  My parents are divorced.  My father is a somewhat passive evangelical and just like being involved in the church's governance (deacon, committees, etc.). My mother was away from the church life for about 30 or so years until I led her back to the flock over a decade ago.  Anyway, when I decided to 'come out' about my change in beliefs,  she was surprised but didn't get crazy about it.  Of course her biggest dig at me was the fact that I was the one who brought her back into the church.  I responded to her by asking her if she was happy that she was back in the church.  She was.  So I then asked her if I should try to undo that in someway.  No.   I think then she realized that our relationship didn't have to change just because either one of us had changed our beliefs.  Of course she still sends me cards and notes with religious content, and that is ok--it is just who she is and there is nothing wrong with that.  She will always be my mother and I will always be her son......nothing can alter that.

Hopefully your dad will come around to accepting your decision in time.  It may take a long time for him to do that, partly because you are still under his roof and he sounds like a hardcore evangelical, but I would encourage you to just be yourself around him.  I won't try and psychoanalyze your father other than to say his reaction is normal for who he is.  He has to find a way to deal with the shock of it all.  Treat him as you would treat anyone else you love.   You have it what it takes to make it through this and I truly admire your courage.  I think you are going to handle this whole thing just fine!  

Please keep us up on how things are going.....we are pulling for you!  :D
Fight Global Warming......Save a Pirate!


susangail

Thanks Kona.

My mom and I have a similar relationship as you and yours. It's natural for her to make comments about religion like "I'm just praying this works out" or something along those lines. But as you said, that's who she is. She's not preaching at me so I don't mind at all.

Quote from: "Kona"Hopefully your dad will come around to accepting your decision in time.  It may take a long time for him to do that, partly because you are still under his roof and he sounds like a hardcore evangelical, but I would encourage you to just be yourself around him.  I won't try and psychoanalyze your father other than to say his reaction is normal for who he is.  He has to find a way to deal with the shock of it all.  Treat him as you would treat anyone else you love.   You have it what it takes to make it through this and I truly admire your courage.  I think you are going to handle this whole thing just fine!  

Please keep us up on how things are going.....we are pulling for you!  :D

It's impossible to psychoanalyze my dad. My mom, my sisters and I have tried for years. I don't think a psychologist could do it. I'm not being dramatic. That's how it is. But yes of course, it is normal for a hardcore Christian to not accept an atheist. But I still love him and I know he loves me.

Thanks for the advice and support.
When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and let the world wonder how you did it.

josh

All this stress over an imaginary sky daddy.  Congratulations on being a rational thinker.  It takes guts to stand up against all you have grown up with once you have your brainwashing removed. :cool:

karadan

Thanks for your post. It was very insightful.
I've had the privilege of growing up in more tolerant surroundings. I was given the option to be religious when I was a kid. I went to Sunday school a few times but it wasn't for me. Because of that I’ve never seen the side of the coin you described and am thankful of it.
You sound like a very courageous person.
QuoteI find it mistifying that in this age of information, some people still deny the scientific history of our existence.

Will

We should all congratulate susangail, as her wonderful story has reached the front page of reddit!
I want bad people to look forward to and celebrate the day I die, because if they don't, I'm not living up to my potential.

jamesatracy

Willravel,

I am so thrilled to see the huge response by the reddit community to Susan's story. I sent Susan a PM to congratulate her and make her aware of the all the commotion it is causing!

Asmodean



Welcome to the land of the out-of-the-closet  :D
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.