Hello

[saphirared]

Hello all.  I'm new here and just thought I'd say hi.  I'm 25, going to school for software engineering/video game design, I work full time with a construction consulting firm in their proposals/graphics department, and I'm also a single mother of one 5 year old girl.

I feel that I'm an agnostic atheist.  However, I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and although I left the religion when I was 16, I still feel like I am suffering the consequences of being raised in such an organized, Christian "restorationist" religion.  Lately I've even had the thought that perhaps due to my background, I may be at a higher risk for depression.  The way I see it, I was raised to believe that my life had a certain "purpose" and that I had specific goals and it was the presence of these things that made my life worth living.  Now here it is, almost 10 years after I've left the religion, and I still feel that I'm reaping the fine benefits of being brainwashed like that.  There are times that I feel I get into "funks" and I'll feel down.  

Specifically, I'll get those feelings of "why am I even here", "whats the point in all this", and "why bother".  Now other times I know perfectly well what I want out of life and I know that the point for me is to be able to lay on my deathbed and look back on my life and know that I enjoyed it as well as helped others to enjoy their lives.  However those other times when I'm doubting everything, I can still even draw to mind the aforementioned thoughts and try to reassure myself that that's what I want and that's what will make me happy-but sometimes it doesn't seem to work and I'm still left feeling a bit apathetic and hopeless.

Does anyone else ever grapple with this?  I'm sure everyone does from time to time but I would almost have to imagine that for those of us who were raised in a religion, this probably happens more often.....

[Will]

You're at a wonderful place in life: it's time for you to figure out your own purpose. No one else in the universe, real or not, can decide this for you. It's a beautiful thing, learning how to be.

I was scared shitless when I first disconnected from religion. Sometimes it's tough figuring out that the gaping hole left behind is actually incredibly healthy. It's something you can choose to leave empty or to fill with other things, things that help you. I fill mine with things I love: philosophy, science, debate, (online forums!), composing music, family and friends, etc. I allow meaning that society would try to assign on me to simply pass through me. When it passes through I see it for what it is and I can happily choose not to accept it. Once that's happened it's lost all of it's strength over you and it's nothingness. Only you remain and that's how it's supposed to be.

[SteveS]

Hey saphirared - welcome on board!

Yes - I think everybody gets into "funks" from time to time - I think its just a part of being human.  Me, when I get tired or sick and work goes crazy, I start to feel depressed.  But, I always seem to snap out of it eventually.

Nobody can be totally happy all the time.  Anyway, since you're an ex-JW, splurge and throw yourself a birthday party!  What the heck, it doesn't even really have to be your birthday....

[McQ]

Welcome to the forum, saphirared. Thanks for the introduction. I often wonder if Nihilistic thoughts are common for those who become agnostic/atheist. Probably so. It's ok.

This is a great place to discuss these things, so enjoy yourself and the interaction with everyone.

[tacoma_kyle]

Hey, whats up?

I'd be interested to know how many people who change to being atheist experience the sort of 'not so warm' welcoming that seems to be present initially.

In high school, the same period when my beliefs changed I also had a low period. Lasted somewhere from 1.25 to 1.75 years, I would guess. Pretty much seemed to follow a upside-down bell curve, if you are to chart it lol Bad joke.


Anyhow, stick it through. I know its easy for me to say.

[Whitney]

Hi saphirared, welcome to the forum.  

I can't say if leaving religion has caused me to have depression or not because I have had bouts of depression either way.  

With your busy school life and having a kid, maybe you never had the time to try and work through some of the issues which would allow you to completely deprogram yourself.  I had an easy semester not long after I 'officially' quit believing and spent most of my time thinking about how that affected my life and my views until I got a lot figured out to a point where I felt emotionally and philosophically fulfilled.  If possible, find someone to watch your daughter and take a long weekend to reflect in a quite place, maybe even go someplace where you always have felt at ease (like the park or a beach).

For the depression, figure out what triggers the downward emotions so that you will be better able to reverse the depression before you are feeling really low.  That has worked pretty well for me.  In my case, and probably most people, the trigger is stress then it will spiral to worry about other things if I don't do something to lower my stress levels.

[MommaSquid]

Welcome to the forum, saphirared, and thanks for the wonderful introduction.  

I have suffered from depression in the past and have no doubt I'll grapple with it again.  Some people are just hard-wired that way.

You have so much going for you--a career, the opportunity to go to school, and a daughter to nurture and love--you are truly one of the fortunate ones.  Remember to take time to de-stress on a regular basis.  We all deserve a little "me" time and I believe it helps chase away the blues.

If you feel you need help with your depression, please seek professional help.  Friends and forum acquaintances can only help so much.

I hope you enjoy your time here at HAF.

[LARA]

Hi saphirared, glad to have you here.  I think you'll find, as I have, that the members of this forum are very kind, intelligent and supportive.  My husband grew up as a Jehovah's Witness, too and is now agnostic, so I've heard about some of the extreme beliefs and attitudes they have to suscribe to.  I'm really glad you have decided to join us.

[saphirared]

Hey all-just wanted to thank you all for your comments and encouragement.  I really appreciate it.