Creative Insults

[Hector Valdez]

Were you born like that, or were you in a terrible accident?

Both actually. My knees are about as valuable as gnarled wood knots.

[Angler28]

"She has a butter face. Everything looks great 'but her' face."

"If asshole's could fly, this place would be an airport."

Since Aunt Flo is popular on here, "You should never trust something that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die."

At a job I had years ago, a very 'chesty' woman entered our place of business. My boss leaned over to me and said, "If she were to fall over, we'd have to milk her to get her back up."

I'm sure some more will come to me. 

[xSilverPhinx]

"She wouldn't catch a glimpse of a clue if it walked right up to her and punched her in the face."

[OldGit]

If wit was shit, you'd be constipated.

[Guardian85]

You couldn't fint the answer if it jumped up and bit you in the nuts!

[Ali]

He couldn't find his ass with both hands.

[OldGit]

You're as much use as the Pope's paraphernalia.

[Tank]

"You'e as useless as a chocolate fire guard!"

"I see you have failed to reach even your own abysmally low standards."

[xSilverPhinx]

You're an embarressment to me, and the fact that some people associate me with you hurts more than any insult that comes out of your mouth.

[Asmodean]

You couldn't fint the answer if it jumped up and bit you in the nuts!

...I suppose the answer is a ridiculously small dog?  ???

[OldGit]

You're like a fart in a thunderstorm.

[history_geek]

In this part of the world a common swear/insult you hear is "Haista paska!" (Smell shit!). However, there's a nice comeback to that:

"Well I suppose I have to, since the wind is blowing from your direction..."

One more way to tell when some people are full of it, I suppose

[Non Quixote]

FITREP bullets:  (A FITREP is a "fitness report" used by the English and US Navies for evaluating an officer's performance)

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not allow this Officer to breed.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
  but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
  whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
  satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
  at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
  he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
  port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
  them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
  trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

[Tank]

^^^ That list is so old!
But still good for a giggle 

[Guardian85]

"If you are going to keep talking, would you please stand down wind so I don't have to smell the bullshit?"