Author Topic: New member to the HAF  (Read 6980 times)

Angler28

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New member to the HAF
« on: April 30, 2012, 07:45:40 PM »
Hello everyone, my name is Thom and I have just recently, officially declared my atheism. I have been trying to convince myself that I was a religious person since I was a child...I'm now 28. I just finally came to the conclusion that there is no god, and if there is, he's cruel and I want nothing to do with him. Anyway, I suppose the main reason for me hanging on so long, was my wife. She is a Christian and had told me soon after we were married, that she wouldn't have accepted my proposal if I weren't a Christain myself. That was brought up after a conversation with one of my atheist friends. Basically, "I wouldn't have married you if you were an atheist.", so you can imagine my want and need to hang on to it and try.

Well, after many years of internal debate I have decided that I can no longer live a lie, so here I am.

I told my wife a couple of weeks ago about my transition, and that went over as well as a person playing with matches in a gas tanker...really bad. She told me that she felt as if I had commited suicide. She then said that when I told her that I had something serious to tell her, she thought I was going to tell her that I was gay.  :o  Then she told me that she would have rather I did tell her that. She then proceeded to tell me that if I didn't find Jesus "pretty f***ing quick", that our marriage was over. I simply told her to think of our 3 children, and was it really worth tearing out family apart over. That seemed to calm her down, but she didn't speak to me for a couple of days and she told me that she didn't want to hear ANYTHING about it ever. I know that she is trying to pretend that the conversation never took place. For the most part, things are now back to normal, but anytime anything religious is brought up, there is an uncomfortable silence.

Anyway, that is a little about me and my journey into my new position in life. I look forward to talking with some of you. Have a great day.  :)
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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2012, 07:52:32 PM »
There's more than a few people here with similar experiences (not me, thank goodness) so you'll at least have plenty of folks to share war stories with, and get some advice from the trenches.  Not sure how I got into all the war imagery.

Anyway, welcome and take a cruise around the site.  You need 10 posts before you can fully participate but there are plenty of topics in Getting to Know You where you can get thru those first 10 fast.
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Angler28

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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2012, 08:10:01 PM »
Thanks for the welcome. I hope that I can get some advice here. I feel that if this is not confronted, then things won't get better.
"The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work."

AnimatedDirt

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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2012, 08:31:31 PM »
Hi Thom.  Welcome to HAF.  BTW, I'm a Christian.  :)

Do you have any intentions of making your wife's beliefs come across as "stupid" and/or "delusional" to your children?  If not, make her aware of it.  Make her aware that the bible does speak of not divorcing a spouse just for unbelief ( I can't remember where...I hope I'm not wrong) unless the spouse is making Christian life difficult.

One of my best friend's husband is atheist but he TOTALLY respects his wife (and her friends...which he is one of my good friends) and in fact supports her beliefs even going to church with her so not to alienate her from him or himself from her.

This type of relationship can work.  There's some bible verse that speaks of a person's faith covering the lack of faith in their spouse.  As long as you still love her and want to stay in a marriage with her (and her beliefs), I think it can work.  She just may need some reassurance from you.

Edit:  ...and time to work it out in her mind.  :)
« Last Edit: April 30, 2012, 08:34:05 PM by AnimatedDirt »

Recusant

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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2012, 08:32:02 PM »
Hello and welcome to HAF, Angler28. I admire the fact that you were honest with your wife, and I hope that you will manage to convince her that the love you share and the family you've created are more important than her disapproval of your apostasy. For now, I would take her at her word, and not bring the topic up. However, maybe you could do something (or things) that you know your wife would appreciate; help remind her that she didn't marry you just because you were a Christian!

As BooksCatsEtc mentioned, you aren't the only one here who is dealing with something like this, and I'm sure you'll get some moral support (and advice) from people here at HAF, whether or not we're in a similar situation.

I hope that you enjoy your time reading and posting here!
« Last Edit: April 30, 2012, 08:34:21 PM by Recusant »
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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2012, 08:35:05 PM »
Hi Thom

Well you have gone through a bit of an ordeal. As BCE mentions there are other members here who have had similar experiences to you and members who live in mixed marriages.

You know you did the right thing as one can't live a marriage as a lie. All you can do know is let her get used to the idea and fend off the attacks without backing down. Difficult times.

Thanks for making the effort to sign up and join in.

Welcome to HAF.

Regards
Chris

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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2012, 08:47:36 PM »
Welcome!

Wow, that's quite a reaction  :o  Hopefully it was more towards a heat of the moment thing than what she really thinks. Like it or not, you've certainly forced her to open her mind to other possibilities of belief and or lack of belief, she'll digest it all and hopefully see that a belief in god doesn't define a good person.
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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2012, 09:01:57 PM »
Welcome! I would have to say that is a pretty extreme reaction.  I know at least one Christian that is very involved in Church, and even volunteers at a food pantry.  I brought up the subject to her, this was a couple years ago, about Jesus being just a man, and she said that her husband believed the same thing. Like it didn't even matter.  Really if you care about each other it shouldn't matter what book of mythology either of you believe in.
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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #8 on: April 30, 2012, 09:34:11 PM »
Here's the points I was thinking of in my previous post here.

"What should a Christian do if he or she is married to an unbeliever?"

Now before one or more of you find exception to the "submissive" part or anything therein the short article, it's simply posted as a way in which Thom can ease his wife's stress on the matter.  I'm not trying to preach anything.  I hope everyone would want the family to continue and not be split simply because there is a difference in belief or non-belief.

Thom, I hope this helps.

Angler28

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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2012, 09:51:11 PM »
Thank you all for the kind words and support. Perhaps I should get up to my 10 posts and make an official thread out of this. What do you think?

Thank you AnimatedDirt, for the link. That was an interesting read, but at the same time, I don't want my wife to think that it is up to her to 'save' me for the rest of our marriage, and to think that she married me, so god says that she's stuck with me now. I want her to be with me because she loves me for who I am.
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AnimatedDirt

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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #10 on: April 30, 2012, 09:56:53 PM »
Thank you all for the kind words and support. Perhaps I should get up to my 10 posts and make an official thread out of this. What do you think?

Thank you AnimatedDirt, for the link. That was an interesting read, but at the same time, I don't want my wife to think that it is up to her to 'save' me for the rest of our marriage, and to think that she married me, so god says that she's stuck with me now. I want her to be with me because she loves me for who I am.

That was not my intention nor is it the intention that she feel obligated to 'save' you.  Simply that she can rest assured she's done nothing wrong if you and she love each other.  She's not stuck with you in any way, shape or form.

I apologize.

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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #11 on: April 30, 2012, 09:57:57 PM »
Thank you all for the kind words and support. Perhaps I should get up to my 10 posts and make an official thread out of this. What do you think?

Thank you AnimatedDirt, for the link. That was an interesting read, but at the same time, I don't want my wife to think that it is up to her to 'save' me for the rest of our marriage, and to think that she married me, so god says that she's stuck with me now. I want her to be with me because she loves me for who I am.
You can carry on in with this thread and comment as you like. You can add to other threads, or start new ones, in Getting to know you.
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Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Angler28

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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #12 on: April 30, 2012, 10:12:09 PM »
I'm sorry AnimatedDirt, if I came across a little rash. i know your intentions are good, and thank you, but I was referring to what was said in the link you posted. "May the truth found in 1 Peter 3:1—that an unbelieving spouse is “won over”—be the hope and goal of every Christian who is married to an unbeliever."

This is mainly what I meant. I don't want her to try and "win me over", I want her to love me for me and respect my position as much as I respect her and her beliefs. Once again though, I apologize for any mixed message AnimatedDirt and thanks again, you offer very good advice.  :)

I'm kind of new to the whole forum thing, so I'm sorry if some of the things I type come across weird or 'biting', I'm trying my best to screen what I type out. :)
« Last Edit: April 30, 2012, 10:14:07 PM by Angler28 »
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Tank

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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #13 on: April 30, 2012, 10:16:08 PM »
I'm kind of new to the whole forum thing, so I'm sorry if some of the things I type come across weird or 'biting', I'm trying my best to screen what I type out. :)
It takes a little practice to get the hang of forums. We've all been n00bs at some point.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

AnimatedDirt

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Re: New member to the HAF
« Reply #14 on: April 30, 2012, 10:26:06 PM »
I'm sorry AnimatedDirt, if I came across a little rash. i know your intentions are good, and thank you, but I was referring to what was said in the link you posted. "May the truth found in 1 Peter 3:1—that an unbelieving spouse is “won over”—be the hope and goal of every Christian who is married to an unbeliever."

This is mainly what I meant. I don't want her to try and "win me over", I want her to love me for me and respect my position as much as I respect her and her beliefs. Once again though, I apologize for any mixed message AnimatedDirt and thanks again, you offer very good advice.  :)

I'm kind of new to the whole forum thing, so I'm sorry if some of the things I type come across weird or 'biting', I'm trying my best to screen what I type out. :)

Gotcha.  :)   I appreciate you not wanting to be 'won over'.  I think it would, however, remain a hope within your wife.  The point is to come to an understanding where each of you is respected and loved despite a difference that can separate a weaker couple.  She can be assured of not being in a "sinful" relationship and you can be assured she will not actively try and win you over as that is definitely not her responsibility.

As Christians, just to clarify in general, it is not our duty to "win *you over", but simply to present the option.

BTW, I fail a lot to convey my thoughts perfectly in person and in writing too.  No worries.  :)