Author Topic: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )  (Read 112887 times)

Icarus

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4275 on: July 04, 2018, 04:29:06 AM »
Yuck but here it is ...........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDYCHZNG6Nk

Essie Mae

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4276 on: July 04, 2018, 07:28:41 AM »
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.

(Sorry)
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hermes2015

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Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4278 on: August 03, 2018, 10:43:09 AM »
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Bluenose

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4279 on: August 03, 2018, 11:06:48 AM »
A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:

"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint." "Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala and they enjoy a large doobie.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the koala, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to see this.

So they walk into the rain forest and find the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint.

He looks up and says, "Hey you!"

The koala looks down at him and says...

"Fu-u-u-u-c-c-k, Dude....... How much water did you drink?
“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

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+++ Divide by cucumber error: please reinstall universe and reboot.  +++

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Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4280 on: August 03, 2018, 11:32:02 AM »
 :rofl:   :thumbsup2:
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4281 on: August 03, 2018, 12:16:59 PM »
:rofl:
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

joeactor

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4282 on: August 03, 2018, 09:23:20 PM »


I've taken that exit many times...

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4283 on: August 03, 2018, 09:30:53 PM »
:rofl:
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4284 on: August 06, 2018, 03:25:45 PM »
OK, here goes a Pom trying to tell an Aussie joke:

Jimmo was a bush guide, taking bunches of city types out in the outback. He would show them that even parched looking places could supply food, how to hide from the sun and, if met, what to avoid.

At about midday one of the clients, who's watch had given up in the heat, asked him what the tine was. Jimmo took off his hat, held it up and said, "Twenty to twelve." Another client, having glanced at his watch, said, "Blimey, that's dead on, do you use your hat to measure the Sun's angle?"

"Naw," replied Jimmo, "I don't like me watch on me wrist, it catches on things, so I sewed it inside me hat - always got that near me."

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Dark Lightning

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4285 on: August 17, 2018, 09:35:27 PM »

Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4286 on: August 17, 2018, 09:55:54 PM »


Oh, dear, I always drink black coffee . . .

Not an "Americano",  just a black coffee please.

Or I''ll bite yer friggin nose off!
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Dark Lightning

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4287 on: August 18, 2018, 01:02:59 AM »
 :lol:

I thought it was kind of amusing. I'm not really that cranky until I've had my coffee in the morning...said no wife ever. j/k, I've been married to the same gal for 37 years. I discovered International Delight Hazelnut Creamer back in about '01. That stuff is soooo good! But it was like crack! I found myself driving to various stores to get it, because I only liked that flavor. 6 AM, driving from store to store, to score it. I finally just went and quit cold turkey. Nothing owns me like that.

Bluenose

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4288 on: August 18, 2018, 02:14:12 AM »
OK, here goes a Pom trying to tell an Aussie joke:

Jimmo was a bush guide, taking bunches of city types out in the outback. He would show them that even parched looking places could supply food, how to hide from the sun and, if met, what to avoid.

At about midday one of the clients, who's watch had given up in the heat, asked him what the tine was. Jimmo took off his hat, held it up and said, "Twenty to twelve." Another client, having glanced at his watch, said, "Blimey, that's dead on, do you use your hat to measure the Sun's angle?"

"Naw," replied Jimmo, "I don't like me watch on me wrist, it catches on things, so I sewed it inside me hat - always got that near me."

Translated into correct Aussie lingo (LOL):

Jacko was a fair dinkum bushie that took mobs of townies out bush.  He showed them how to get bush tucker even if it was as dry as a dead dingo's donga, how to  keep out of the heat and how to avoid getting bushwhacked.

At about noon one day, one of the townies, whose cheap two-bob watch had karked it in the heat, asked him the time.  Jacko took off his beaten up old slouch hat held it up and said "twenty to twelve". Another of the townies, having glanced at his watch, said, "Crikey, that's dead set right on, do you use your hat to measure the Sun's angle?"

"Yeah, Nah," replied Jacko, "I don't like me watch on me wrist, it catches on things, so I sewed it inside me hat - always got that near me."

I liked the original, but I just couldn't help myself. :D
“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

+++ Divide by cucumber error: please reinstall universe and reboot.  +++

GNU Terry Pratchett

Icarus

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4289 on: August 20, 2018, 04:31:42 AM »
Thanks for the accurate translation Blue.  For we yanks it is humorous, but it must be dead serious for authentic Aussies.