Author Topic: The Canonization of Dave  (Read 162 times)

Bad Penny II

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The Canonization of Dave
« on: March 06, 2019, 04:34:16 AM »
One channel of my headphones wasn't connecting properly, last night  I preyed to Dave.  He said unto me attach a rubber band to it, twist it around a bit. I did and now it works, IT'S A MIRACLE!

So I'm starting the beatification/canonization process.
Do you think he'd want to be a saint?
That's irrelevant, fostering our faith is my only concern.
Our only concern.
OK, "our" only concern.

How does someone become a saint?

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Step one: Wait five years - or don't...
The process to make someone a saint cannot normally start until at least five years after their death.

This is to allow time for emotions following the death to calm down, and to ensure that the individual's case can be evaluated objectively.

This lack of objectivity seems more of a concern for the conventionally religious, it doesn't apply to us.
That's right, it doesn't apply to us, objectivity is our curse and our blessing.
Just so.

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The waiting period can, however, be waived by the Pope. Pope Benedict XVI set aside the waiting period for his predecessor

Ha, right, no problem.  I've got my pope hat on, I'll just waive the waiting period.
WE, hereby waive the waiting period.

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Step two: Become a 'servant of God'
... open an investigation into the life of the individual, to see whether they lived their lives with sufficient holiness and virtue to be considered for sainthood.

Well he voluntarily helped people at the local library with their tech stuff.
Ye that's right.
And we're open to further submission on miracles and virtuous acts anyway.

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Step three: Show proof of a life of 'heroic virtue'

Well we already said he helped people.
Yes and he didn't ever once shoot his noisy neighbours.
Ye, a saintly nature was the most venerable Dave's.

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Step four: Verified miracles

We need some more of these, start praying.

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Step five: Canonisation

Canonisation is the final step in declaring a deceased person a saint. To reach this stage, a second miracle normally needs to be attributed to prayers made to the candidate after they have been beatified.

I don't think this will be a problem, we look forward to hearing examples of Dave's intercedence with the most relevant deity to deliver practical solutions to your particular needs.
Certainty disturbs me


Tank

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Re: The Canonization of Dave
« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2019, 07:55:46 AM »
A wonderful thread.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Bad Penny II

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Re: The Canonization of Dave
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2019, 11:28:53 PM »
There's an upcoming election in North Korea for the Supreme People's Assembly (SPA), the country's national legislature, says Google.

I prayed to Dave for the results and he consulted Fortuna.  He tells me that the Democratic Front for the Reunification of the Fatherland will win all seats.  Geez, what's the odds of that, all seats, surely some districts will be in the mood for change.  If this prediction proves true it will be an incontestable miracle.
Certainty disturbs me


Ecurb Noselrub

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Re: The Canonization of Dave
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2019, 07:49:31 PM »
There's an upcoming election in North Korea for the Supreme People's Assembly (SPA), the country's national legislature, says Google.

I prayed to Dave for the results and he consulted Fortuna.  He tells me that the Democratic Front for the Reunification of the Fatherland will win all seats.  Geez, what's the odds of that, all seats, surely some districts will be in the mood for change.  If this prediction proves true it will be an incontestable miracle.

I see what you are doing. 

Dave would be proud.

joeactor

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Re: The Canonization of Dave
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2019, 08:09:45 PM »
I prayed to Dave and asked him if he already had other worshipers.
He sent me to the WayBack Machine and gave me this guidance:
https://web.archive.org/web/20180721142402/home.earthlink.net/~dth/cult.html

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Cult of the Almighty Dave
Daves of the World, UNITE!
"For Dave so loved the world that he gave his only Son, Dave, that Whosoever believe in Dave shall not perish, but have eternal life in Daveness." Dave 3:16

Unsapien

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Re: The Canonization of Dave
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2019, 10:46:29 PM »


I don't think this will be a problem, we look forward to hearing examples of Dave's intercedence with the most relevant deity to deliver practical solutions to your particular needs.

I didn't realize this until now but he appeared to me and others in a distant forum as his son Gloucester and did fill us with great joy as he entered our hearts. There may or may not have been a watermark in his image somewhere on that forum, it could have been on toast, I'm a bit fuzzy on the details.

But for serious on this moment I was wondering why he stopped posting on TTA, I enjoyed his posts.  :'(

"If we are to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are." - Captain Picard