Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Tom62]

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

The joke has only a small detail wrong. There isn't a border control for EU citizen between France and Germany.

[Biggus Dickus]

Why is that I do not find that sort of humour particularly humorous I wonder?

It is not the subject or the language, maybe it is because the whole thing seems "artificial" to my mind in that it is constructed just to exploit those aspects. Without them it falls flat.

But, that's just me, good thing we are all a bit different.

Before my Great Uncle Alphonse passed away (True story) I helped to look after and take care of him as he was living alone after his wife, my Dear Aunt Jane had passed away about a year or so prior.

One afternoon I had taken him out to run some errands, and we stopped to have lunch. During the course of our meal the waitress had come by the table to check up on us and she cracked a joke which I thought was funny, but to which my Uncle Al responded, "Not funny at all my dear,... enough with the jokes, just go fetch me some more god damn coffee"!

You could tell she was really hurt by his comment, and I was of course not only embarrassed, but felt sorry for the poor waitress. I sat there with Uncle Al in uncomfortable silence.
When the waitress returned with the damn coffee you could tell she was still upset about Uncle's comment, but then he reached out and took her hand, apologized and asked her forgiveness blaming his remark on being old and cranky.
She smiled, and said it was alright, and thanked him for apologizing, I remember both of their eyes glistening with tears.

When she left the table he looked at me sadly and said, "Why do you think I don't find things funny anymore", and I replied, "I think it's just like you said Uncle, your too damn old and too damn cranky"! (I had never spoke to him like that before)

He lifted his cup of joe in air, smiled and said, "Now that was funny boy"!

[Dave]

Hmmm, spontaneous inuendoes, puns and double-meanings of a funny nature I appreciate readily. Even setting up for a one-off joke. But, whole like that video just turn me off. "Right, how many swesr wirds xzn I fit into this joke?"

The double-meaning jokes on things like the English comedy quiz show "I'm sorry I haven't a clue" are (especially regarding Samantha the Scorer, who you never see) deliberate but mostly very witty. Not in yer face.

[OldGit]

"I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue"  is still funny in parts, but not like it used to be.  Still worth a listen now and again.

I wonder if we could get a game of "Mornington Crescent" (part of said show) going here.

[Dave]

"I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue"  is still funny in parts, but not like it used to be.  Still worth a listen now and again.

I wonder if we could get a game of "Mornington Crescent" (part of said show) going here.

I tend to agree, but things of memory often seem better than the present. Still miss Willie Rushton.

"Mornington Crescent" was the one bit that did not do much for me.

[Tank]

Don't know about the giant cock costume, but if nobody shows up at my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper I shall refuse to be buried. 

I thought you were going for the burning boat Viking thing?

[Guardian85]

Don't know about the giant cock costume, but if nobody shows up at my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper I shall refuse to be buried. 

I thought you were going for the burning boat Viking thing?

I imagine there would still be a service of some kind.

[Claireliontamer]

"I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue"  is still funny in parts, but not like it used to be.  Still worth a listen now and again.

I wonder if we could get a game of "Mornington Crescent" (part of said show) going here.

I tend to agree, but things of memory often seem better than the present. Still miss Willie Rushton.

"Mornington Crescent" was the one bit that did not do much for me.

The joy of Mornington Crescent is there are no rules, anything goes.  I wonder if anyone outside of the UK would get it though.

[Dave]

"I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue"  is still funny in parts, but not like it used to be.  Still worth a listen now and again.

I wonder if we could get a game of "Mornington Crescent" (part of said show) going here.

I tend to agree, but things of memory often seem better than the present. Still miss Willie Rushton.

"Mornington Crescent" was the one bit that did not do much for me.

The joy of Mornington Crescent is there are no rules, anything goes.  I wonder if anyone outside of the UK would get it though.

Yes, I understand the concept, just doesn't work for me. Though I once had a 15 minute conversation on the role of the haggis in the evolution of the sporran that was utter made up crap but, we were told, sounded most convincing.

[Dave]

It goes like this:

THE ROLE OF THE HAGGIS IN THE EVOLUTION OF THE SPORRAN AS WE KNOW IT TODAY.

Firstly we must look at the nature of the wild haggis. As is well known these beasts run round and round the hills, females (with their shorter right legs) going clockwise; males (with left legs the shorter) going anti-clockwise. Should the two genders coincide the head on collision is the spur for frantic sexual activity.

The ancient hunting method was to find the circumhilliar track and, with skill, determine whether it is a male or female track. The hunter then sits, legs wide open, in the track, lifting his kilt - in which he intends to snare the haggis. As can be imagined, with the haggis being able to attain a velocity of 10 miles per hour and having no effective braking system (other than the head-on collision with a potential mate), this represented a considerable threat to the future generations of haggis hunters.

Thus a shield of thick leather was developed, worn under the kilt to protect the vulnerable body parts. A metal boss was then set in the center of the shield to simulate the thick skull of another haggis. In time this became personalised by means of decorations of fur etc. So proud were the hunters of their trade and its equipment that the shield came to be worn, on social occasions, over the kilt rather than under. In time even more embellishment was added and, untill the recent discovery of an ancient manuscript on tanned haggis skin, its origin became forgotten, it merely functioning as a money purse and a fashion accessory..

[Claireliontamer]

It goes like this:

THE ROLE OF THE HAGGIS IN THE EVOLUTION OF THE SPORRAN AS WE KNOW IT TODAY.

Firstly we must look at the nature of the wild haggis. As is well known these beasts run round and round the hills, females (with their shorter right legs) going clockwise; males (with left legs the shorter) going anti-clockwise. Should the two genders coincide the head on collision is the spur for frantic sexual activity.

The ancient hunting method was to find the circumhilliar track and, with skill, determine whether it is a male or female track. The hunter then sits, legs wide open, in the track, lifting his kilt - in which he intehds to snare the haggis. As can be imagined, with the haggis being able to attain a velocity of 10 miles per hour and having no effective braking system (other than the head-on collision with a potential mate), this represented a considerable threat to the future generations of haggis hunters.

Thus a shield of thick leather was developed, worn under the kilt to protect the vulnerable body parts. A metal boss was then set in the center of the shield to simulate the thick skull of another haggis. In time this became personalised by means of decorations of fur etc. So proud were the hunters of their trade and its equipment that the shield came to be worn, on social occasions, over the kilt rather than under. In time even more embellishment was added and, untill the recent discovery of an ancient manuscript on tanned haggis skin, its origin became forgotten, it merely functioning as a money purse and a fashion accessory..

Haha thanks to my relatives I believed a similar story about the short and long legs for years!

[OldGit]

M'c siorach gliona na haggis.

[Dave]

A whole bunch of one-liners:

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research.

8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.

11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.

15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

17.  I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

18. I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong.

[Arturo]

[Dave]

The prospective member for Little Twittington stood at the lectern in front of the heckling crowd.

"Please be quiet, I can't even hear myself speak!"

In the sudden relative quiet a voice from the back called out, "That's alright, mate, no one is listening to you anyway!"


BTW like your maths jokes, Arturo!