Author Topic: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )  (Read 77640 times)

Davin

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4185 on: October 13, 2017, 03:45:42 PM »
:lol:

Always question all authorities because the authority you don't question is the most dangerous... except me, never question me.

xSilverPhinx

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4186 on: October 14, 2017, 12:07:15 AM »
I'm just a student of the game that they taught me.


Father Bruno

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4187 on: October 17, 2017, 02:08:09 PM »


Now that's funny xSP! ;)
 :rofl:



Last week during a trial here in northern Michigan the small town prosecuting attorney called onto the stand his first witness, an elderly woman named Mrs. Mayette who was a long time resident of the town.

"Good Morning Mrs Mayette, you know who I am don't you", he asked?

"Why yes, I do know you Mr. Marsh", she replied. "In fact I've known you since you were a little boy, and to be frank you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you talk about people behind their backs, and manipulate them to suit your needs. You walk around this town like you are a big shot, and expect and act as if everyone should cater to your every whim, but you haven't got the brains to realize that you'll never amount to nothing more than a two-bit paper pusher”.

"Yes I know you".


Mr. Marsh, along with the entire courtroom was stunned into silence, not knowing what else to say he cleared his throat, pointed across the room at the defense attorney and ask her, "Mrs. Mayette you also familiar with the defensive attorney Mr. Damour, are you not"?

Nodding her head in affirmation she replied, "Why yes I've known Mr. Damour since he was a small child, in fact I used to babysit him while his poor single mother worked two jobs to support him and his brother. Now she sits all alone at the senior home with only myself and some of the other church ladies visiting her because Mr. Damour is too busy running around cheating on his wife with multiple women. He's also bigoted, lazy and has a horrible drinking problem. His practice is one of the worst in the state, certainly in this town. In fact Mr. Marsh, one of the ladies he is currently having an affair with is your wife.”

"Yes I know him”.

Again the entire courtroom was stunned into a complete and uncomfortable silence,…finally the judge cleared his throat and asked both counselors to approach the bench.

Leaning forward across the bench he quietly yet firmly whispered, “If either of you morons ask her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair”!
Every taco is hand rolled with exotic Mexican spices by genuine Mayan Virgins.
Or. Carlos, depending on who's available.

I really, really hate anti-semantics.

Essie Mae

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4188 on: October 22, 2017, 10:02:53 PM »
A statistician gave birth to twins. She had one baptised but kept the other as a control.
ESs
Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people; otherwise there would be no religious people. House MD


Icarus

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4189 on: October 23, 2017, 01:40:41 AM »
Not a straight up joke with a punch line but I thought it to be funny.   

Magdalena

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4190 on: October 23, 2017, 03:38:16 AM »
^^^
That's funny.  ;D


“I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe.” ~Recusant

"Color me fascinated..." ~Asmodean, The Gray God.

Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4191 on: October 23, 2017, 06:12:03 AM »
Not a straight up joke with a punch line but I thought it to be funny.   

Love that last bit! A right cock up.
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Essie Mae

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4192 on: October 23, 2017, 09:28:32 PM »
Not a straight up joke with a punch line but I thought it to be funny.   

Well there was a punchline of sorts at the end when they missed out adjectival profanities. It was ridiculously funny.😂
ESs
Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people; otherwise there would be no religious people. House MD


Father Bruno

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4193 on: October 27, 2017, 06:31:39 PM »
Every taco is hand rolled with exotic Mexican spices by genuine Mayan Virgins.
Or. Carlos, depending on who's available.

I really, really hate anti-semantics.

Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4194 on: November 06, 2017, 08:49:16 PM »
When I was in education I was determined to learn everything, science, philosophy, art, languages etc. Trouble was I suffered from terrible dyslexia.

So now I am a fully qualified gollypot and mollypath.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2017, 10:11:35 PM by Dave »
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4195 on: November 16, 2017, 09:12:53 AM »
On London's Speakers' Corner the aspiring politician was trying to overcome the hecklers.

"Please, please," he shouted, "I can't even hear myself above your shouting!"

As the noise reduced a little one voice was heard above the rest, "Don't worry mate, you're not missing anything worth listening to."
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Guardian85

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4196 on: November 20, 2017, 12:18:22 PM »
"I have one good and one bad bit of news for all you faithful viewers out there!" said the Televangelist to the camera.
"The good news is that we have enough money to build our new Worship Centre!
The bad news, on the other hand, is that it's still in your pockets..."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4197 on: November 22, 2017, 04:54:24 PM »
Jimmy was a true patriot and was so pleased to find some coloured condoms in red, white and blue. So he bought a pack and took them home.

Some time later his wife, Tilly, was shopping for clothes. The assistant approached and asked what she was looking for.

"Maternity wear," replied Tilly.

"What bust, madam?"

"The blue one."
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.