Author Topic: Parenting Anger-Free  (Read 1054 times)

Sophus

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Parenting Anger-Free
« on: May 11, 2010, 02:18:53 AM »
Keeping anger non-existent within the house is important to me because I had very angry parents. For me, there's no excuse for showing anger toward a child. Ever. Here's a good psychology article on it.
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Tank

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2010, 10:20:30 AM »
Quote from: "Sophus"
Keeping anger non-existent within the house is important to me because I had very angry parents. For me, there's no excuse for showing anger toward a child. Ever. Here's a good psychology article on it.
I had a Father who was way to aggressive at times. Most of the time he was absolutly great but when he 'lost it' he really did. Never hit me once but shouted and could be really nasty. Unfortunately it was a trait I inherited (learned). But I do know I can be like it and hope that I managed the problem well enough. I think I did as none of my kids have carried on the trait.
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mama_ape

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2010, 03:28:58 PM »
I'm definately glad I read that article.  Thanks for sharing...now to just remember that when I'm gettin' ticked off.  It makes so much sense I feel like an idiot for not figuring it out on my own.  More importantly I need to remind myself that's how my daughter is feeling too...
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Will

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2010, 03:38:00 AM »
It's perfectly natural to be angry from time to time. It's not perfectly natural to take out your anger on your kids.
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wildfire_emissary

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2010, 04:08:49 PM »
i had the same experience as a kid. my dad hit me a lot because i played with my catholic neighbors during sabbath.
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TheOGMamaBear

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2010, 01:45:51 PM »
Sophus this is a great article, thank you so much.

We are attachment parents and having an EXTREMELY difficult time with our oldest daughter (who is 2.5) and her aggression.

This was a refreshing read!!
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Thumpalumpacus

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2010, 04:53:24 PM »
It's useful to let your child know when they've angered you, so long as you model the appropriate expression of that anger --ie, not hitting, no yelling, no cussing.

That will teach the child that anger, too, has appropriate and inappropriate expressions.
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Martin TK

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2010, 05:02:38 PM »
Quote from: "Sophus"
Keeping anger non-existent within the house is important to me because I had very angry parents. For me, there's no excuse for showing anger toward a child. Ever. Here's a good psychology article on it.

My Mother was of the old fashioned variety, "spare the rod, spoil the child" belief and man did I get the rod, often.  By today's standard my Mother probably would have had her children taken away from her; but I chalk it up to the times and the Bible Belt Religions of the time and place where I grew up.

I reared two boys in a home where I tried to never discipline them when I was angry at them.  It is impossible to not get angry at your children, but how you handle that anger is of the most importance.  I never called it "time out" because I HATE that term, instead I made the boys go somewhere and sit until I was ready to handle the situation.  I, also, never disciplined my children in front of others, to make sure I didn't do harm to their self-esteem.  I always sat down on their level and talked them and explained why I was upset at their behavior and how that behavior was hurtful or harmful, and then we talked about ways to improve on it.  Often I would look for the reason for poor behavior, was it something that I caused, like boredom or something else.

I loved my Mother as much as anyone could love their mother, she was as loving as she was strict.  I feel fortunate that my Mother cared enough about me to be strict, only wishing that perhaps she had been better at the way she disciplined us.  The other good thing she did was as we earned responsibility, we were given it.  I never had a curfew but I never came in past midnight without calling my parents to let them know, out of respect for them.  It was a weird situation, but I turned out ok, sort of. :hmm:
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Intercourseman72

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2010, 07:07:41 PM »
The article mentions how it's the behavior of the children that tends to drive parents mad. When their kids act in a way they don't approve of even detest, the parent sees that as a reflection of their own inability to properly parent their kids (just a quick summary). Of course, then the angry parent tries to subdue their feelings inadequacy by subduing either kids, their kids' behavior, or both. However, the way I see it is that if the parent doesn't concern themselves with the behavior so much but rather empathizes with the child they will simply be a concerned parent trying to address whatever the issue is directly with the kid instead of trying to correct behavior. In this case not only should we expect the parent to not get angry, but that it would be pretty much impossible for them to get angry at least at the kid. They shouldn't be able to get angry or in more modern manifestations "just disappointed". It's more of a modern thing now to try and control your kids through guilt instead of fear or anger.

I pretty much completely agree with the article that parents get mad with their kids because they see issues with their kids behavior as inadequate parenting on their part. This is rather clearly demonstrated when you see how parents react to the same behaviors but from different kids. The parent may feel annoyed or offended, but they certainly don't feel embarrassed or as if they are a failure because of it. I felt differently (still do) when my son(brother) did something I thought was stupid than when his friends would do the same thing. Even as a sibling I probably feel at least partly responsible for his behavior and see it as a reflection of my inability to parent him(and yes I am his father). I think it's like this to a lesser extent with friends too.

But anyway, there is no reason or any way that I can see to get mad at your own kids if you empathize when them even while they do something you think would piss off most parents.

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2010, 07:22:15 PM »
Does this mean that I can't burn them with cigarettes anymore?
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humblesmurph

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2010, 08:20:38 PM »
People get angry.  I had thick skin so my parents showing anger didn't bother me.  I saw them as human beings with emotions and limitations like everybody else.  I don't think I would have responded well if my father didn't show his emotions. Raising your voice when you angry may be more effective at getting the point across because some kids can tell when you are acting.  If you can use your anger, but still not cross the line, I don't see how it is necessarily bad.  I think it depends on the child and the relationship with the parent.

The Magic Pudding

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2010, 03:21:39 AM »
Quote from: "Sophus"
Keeping anger non-existent within the house is important to me because I had very angry parents. For me, there's no excuse for showing anger toward a child. Ever. Here's a good psychology article on it.
Excuses are just excuses, they aren't justification.

I don't think anger necessarily means loss of control.
I'm not convinced a small degree of anger used to emphasise disapproval of behaviour isn't defensible.
Shouldn't a child learn some behaviour is going to illicit an unwelcome reaction?

Quote
For instance, if you've had a bad day, and you're feeling a little guilty, God forbid a little bit like a loser, or you're just feeling disregarded or devalued, you might come home to find your kid's shoes in the middle of the floor and respond with...

The difference in your reaction to the child's behavior lies entirely within you and depends completely on how you feel about yourself. In the first case the child's behavior seems to diminish your sense of self, and the anger is to punish him for doing it to you. In the second instance, the child's behavior does not diminish your sense of personal importance, value, power, or lovability.

If I shared a house with an acquaintance (call him Fred) this could just as easily apply.
If the world has worn my resilience thin one particular day, I'm likely to over react.
Motivating factors would be a perceived breach of the rules of fair play and possibly disrespect.

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In the first case the child's behavior seems to diminish your sense of self, and the anger is to punish him for doing it to you.
I don't think Fred is diminishing my sense of self, his behaviour is just adding another burden to my life.
Perhaps some times we react to children as our children, at other times as unreasonable cohabitants.

Quote
To be sure, our children can make us feel inadequate as parents. But they can only seem to make us angry - and want to punish them - when we confuse feelings of inadequacy with failure. Most of our anger at our children is to punish them for reminding us that we sometimes feel like failures as parents.
I don't accept this as proven.
I do agree there is much too much anger pretty much everywhere.

Intercourseman72

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2010, 07:29:01 PM »
Quote from: "humblesmurph"
People get angry.  I had thick skin so my parents showing anger didn't bother me.  I saw them as human beings with emotions and limitations like everybody else.  I don't think I would have responded well if my father didn't show his emotions.

Many kids raised religiously are reasonably intelligent and skeptical thinkers and grow up free of superstition. In other words "they turned out ok". I saw my parents religion part an emotional brick wall for which they had some kind of psychological fight or flight mechanism when ever confronted by irreverent thoughts likely due to things they had no control over, such as their own upbringings. I don't think I would have responded well if they did not stay true to their convictions and tried to pass it onto me. They just wanted me to be what they thought was well-adjusted.

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I don't think anger necessarily means loss of control.
I'm not convinced a small degree of anger used to emphasise disapproval of behaviour isn't defensible.
Shouldn't a child learn some behaviour is going to illicit an unwelcome reaction?

Should a child only learn that some behavior is inappropriate through anger? Surely that is not the only way to teach a child. Very often, anger fails to teach anything. It simply subdues the child for the time-being and makes them apprehensive of consequences rather than helping them understand why their actions are inappropriate or somehow foul.
I thought "we" as atheists/agnostics/w.e were supposed to be free-thinking rational people. Is this independent rational thinking limited to circumstances when children can be frustrating or disobedient? Even when it's only "in small degrees"? Is it defensible for a parent to mild impose religious teachings onto their kids? Probably. But is it preferable or ideal?

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I don't think Fred is diminishing my sense of self, his behaviour is just adding another burden to my life.
Perhaps some times we react to children as our children, at other times as unreasonable cohabitants.

It's rather appalling that some parents actually do see their children simply as cohabitants.

Quote
I don't accept this as proven.
I do agree there is much too much anger pretty much everywhere.

I suppose it's not really proven. Not from that single article at least. It is a logical explanation, though, that I am willing to accept as a general heuristic.

pinkocommie

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2010, 07:32:03 PM »
Quote from: "PoopShoot"
Does this mean that I can't burn them with cigarettes anymore?

No no no, that's totally cool.  Just don't yell at them while you do it.
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Sophus

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Re: Parenting Anger-Free
« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2010, 05:39:47 AM »
Quote from: "The Magic Pudding"
Quote from: "Sophus"
Keeping anger non-existent within the house is important to me because I had very angry parents. For me, there's no excuse for showing anger toward a child. Ever. Here's a good psychology article on it.
Excuses are just excuses, they aren't justification.

I don't think anger necessarily means loss of control.
I'm not convinced a small degree of anger used to emphasise disapproval of behaviour isn't defensible.
Shouldn't a child learn some behaviour is going to illicit an unwelcome reaction?

Anger toward a teen, pre-teen maybe, when the issues are a little bigger. But for a kid, I can't bring myself to it. I'll admit to a bias, because, as I mentioned, the atmosphere I grew up in was less than wonderful.
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