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Funerals and Family

Started by rickrocks, May 21, 2012, 06:45:58 AM

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rickrocks

I recently lost a nephew and his wife in a traffic accident. It was a head-on collision on a country road. The other driver crossed into the opposing lane. All three people involved are now dead. That's the short version of the story.

A couple of weeks after the accident, we had a memorial service for my nephew. I was a simple format. Everyone showed up, there was a reception line, and then we all took our seats in the room at the funeral home.

I didn't have much to do with the planning, so I don't know how it turned out that the officiant was a minister of some sort, from the United Church of Christ (UCC). He was not familiar with the family, the deceased, the circumstances, even the pronunciation of our family name. He was, unfortunately, familiar with certain passages from scripture. As he proceeded to try to sound like he cared, his arrogant evangelism washed over the whole room, a healthy percentage of which were atheist. My brother and his wife are atheist, and the deceased and the majority of our family are as well. It was like someone set off a stink bomb.

The UCC guy made a feeble attempt to acknowledge that differing beliefs were represented among the attendees, but seemed to sweep them aside by saying that "No matter what you believe, [this piece of scripture] applies to you as well." The effect is similar to the old cop-out, "I'll be prayin' for ya, brother."

I think I'm going to add a clause in my end of life planning, to make sure that any service or party be announced to be non-religious in letter and spirit. I want any proselytizer to be shouted down, followed by a belly-laugh and a tip of the glass. I want my own favorite music, not "Bringing In the Sheaves". There would definitely be some metal played.

Do you folks have plans for your end-of-life commemorations and such? Do you have any past experiences that would be useful to me? I'd love to read about them.

Tank

First and foremost condolences to you and your family affected by this tragedy.

I have no instructions for my funeral as I won't be there. If my wife dies before me it will be a simple secular cremation affair.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Asmodean

My instructions are simple: Cremate me, dump the ashes and have a drink to my memory.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Crow

Condolences,

I experienced a similar thing at my grandfathers funeral, he was atheist but his eldest son managed to persuade his brothers and sisters that he would like the local vicar to host the service as he said my grandad thought he wasn't too bad, this turned out to be a lie as he was the only religious person in the family. The simple instruction was no Christian mumbo jumbo which was completely ignored but at least when he started a prayer Bach was played over the top of him.
Retired member.

Velma

Quote from: Asmodean on May 21, 2012, 08:27:33 AM
My instructions are simple: Cremate me, dump the ashes and have a drink to my memory.
That's pretty much my husband's instructions.  I'm kinda leaning that way myself.  However, if my family does something else, how would I know?
Life is but a momentary glimpse of the wonder of the astonishing universe, and it is sad to see so many dreaming it away on spiritual fantasy.~Carl Sagan

OldGit

That's what I've told Mrs Git:  dispose of my corpse in any way you like, but no religious crap.  I'll do the same for her.

Stevil

Funerals suck.

Bloody sombre and depressing.

I'd like to go to one that is a celebration of a life rather than morning a life.

Most funerals that I have been too have been in churches and been religious, although I don't think many people in my extended family believe in gods.
I think it sucks at weddings and funerals when the celebrant makes it all about god. Who gives a f*ck about god?

I've told my wife that I definitely don't want anything religious at my funeral. Of course it won't really matter 'cause I'll be dead. But I don't want my death to be a cause for god promotion.

En_Route

Quote from: Asmodean on May 21, 2012, 08:27:33 AM
My instructions are simple: Cremate me, dump the ashes and have a drink to my memory.

Give me your address and I'll arrange it straightaway.
Some ideas are so stupid only an intellectual could believe them (Orwell).

rickrocks

Quote from: Crow on May 21, 2012, 09:05:05 AM
Condolences,

Quote from: Stevil on May 21, 2012, 10:44:17 AM
Funerals suck.

Bloody sombre and depressing.

I'd like to go to one that is a celebration of a life rather than morning a life.

but at least when he started a prayer Bach was played over the top of him.

Condolences appreciated. (Is this an opportunity to say "snarfle-burgers"?)

I also appreciate those of you who expressed a preference not to have any fuss made over your death. In my case, being a musician, I feel that a tiny bit of fanfare might fit the bill. Back in 1992, my piano professor from college died. He had left a bit of money so that a little party was thrown in his honor. There were snack trays and drinks, and there was a piano. All who felt like it were encouraged to play in honor of this professor's life, achievements, and musical influence on us. That's probably the most memorable memorial in my memory. And Stevil, you're right. Though memorable, this funeral sucked nonetheless. It's always left to the living to clean up the messes caused by one's expiring, eh?

rickrocks

Interesting thing about Bach: he dedicated all his works to the glory of God, but I would totally approve of Bach being played at my funeral. There's just no denying the reason and logic intertwined with whatever personal inspiration Bach felt. That's why he's one of my very favorite composers, maybe even #1!

But maybe not "Sheep May Safely Graze". Let's go for "Chromatic Fantasy and Fugue" or "Italian Concerto", or maybe even excerpts from the B minor Mass.

Siz

My condolences Rickrocks. I know how you feel - my beautiful cousin, (age 16) was killed last year in a car accident. They say she was probably unconscious before the wreckage of the car stopped moving. It's... difficult to come to terms with. My Atheism helps!

I'd actually like to be buried naked without a coffin - to return the elements of my body to the Earth. But I suspect that won't be allowed so... whatever.

I'd certainly like everyone to have a party with booze, drugs and sex to honour my idyll, but not many of my friends or family care to indulge, so... whatever.

In short then, whatever...! But i'd like to think it'd be an upbeat celebration rather than solemn.

When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

Asmodean

Quote from: En_Route on May 21, 2012, 12:46:41 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on May 21, 2012, 08:27:33 AM
My instructions are simple: Cremate me, dump the ashes and have a drink to my memory.

Give me your address and I'll arrange it straightaway.
You don't need my address to arrange it - just being my proxy in case of death is enough. I already have a friend in that position, the same person as is on my emergency contact quick-dial, just in case people find my phone before they find my will when I'm dead or otherwise seriously incapacitated.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Ali

Rickrocks - Condolences.  How tragic to lose your family in such a sudden and unexpected way.   :'(

As for my funeral plans, Hubby and I are both atheists, so when one of us dies, the other will throw a secular event.  I want to be cremated.  Hubby says he wants "whatever is cheapest."

However, I will say that I think there are two sides of the whole funeral issue.  On one hand, I think that if the deceased is a known atheist, it is gracious and respectful to throw a secular memorial.  On the other hand, I think that funerals are for the living, not the deceased.  When I'm dead, it won't matter a whit to me if they pray over my corpse; I just hope that my loved ones do whatever gives them the most closure and peace. 

Siz

Quote from: rickrocks on May 21, 2012, 02:01:38 PM
Interesting thing about Bach: he dedicated all his works to the glory of God, but I would totally approve of Bach being played at my funeral. There's just no denying the reason and logic intertwined with whatever personal inspiration Bach felt. That's why he's one of my very favorite composers, maybe even #1!

But maybe not "Sheep May Safely Graze". Let's go for "Chromatic Fantasy and Fugue" or "Italian Concerto", or maybe even excerpts from the B minor Mass.

Our chosen processional music at our wedding. Beautiful piece of music.

I'd certainly like some Iron Maiden played. Maybe 'Run to the Hills', not necessarily because of the words, but it just seems to have the right sort of 'temperature'. Also 'Tales of Ulysses' by Cream.


When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

Buddy

Personally, I want to be cremated and my ashes spread in a pasture where ever I am living.
Strange but not a stranger<br /><br />I love my car more than I love most people.