Please keep in mind I was a hardcore atheist for the last 2 years of my life before you read my experience that happened Dec. 22nd of 2011. I posted this on Facebook, so I'm gonna copy and paste it here.
"So before this some of you probably knew me as the guy who never seemed to be happy and the guy who sorta hated God. I went to church all throughout Junior High and High School. I took it serious at first, but I started to let church turn into a social event more than a place of fellowship. I shortly fell off after I graduated. I started working and quit going to church. I started to question a lot about God, and I basically turned into a theist, I didn’t really believe in the bible God, I believed that we have a creator and he just left us with no rules or anything, he just left us to survive. I can honestly say I wasn’t happy; in fact, I hated life because without a purpose (which God gives us) I felt like my life was absolutely pointless. I just worked and went to school and I hated it so much. I grew so envy of people that looked happy. I would spend hours on Facebook going through random people’s pages I don’t even know. I would look at their life and their pictures and I would see people looking so happy, and I would always try to figure out why they look so happy. I noticed they all drank alcohol, smoked weed, partied, and did other things. I never got hardcore into any of that stuff, I tried partying, I tried drinking, I tried smoking, and I tried living that lustful lifestyle that so many people live now days. At the end of day, it never made me happy, IT NEVER MADE HAPPY! I was starting to believe I’m never going to be happy; I’m never going to feel content in life. I had this void, this emptiness in my body that needed to be filled with joy and happiness. At this time was pretty much an Atheist, but I honestly felt like my body had this huge desire to be happy, like it was a part of who I was, I just had this HUGE drive to find happiness, and I never found it. I honestly thought since all these people doing the things I mentioned above looked so happy, I thought it would make me happy, and it didn’t. I thought I was a lost cause and happiness for me; it didn’t exist and never will. I started to grow so much hatred for people, I’m not exaggerating when I say this, I probably had the hardest heart of anyone out there; I had so much hate towards people and everything because I can’t be happy and everyone else can. Like my body had this disease where I can’t be happy, I wasn’t depressed, but I never felt satisfied in anything I did. I was honestly considering going to a therapist and asking what’s wrong with me. I know they were just going to give me some pills and that would make everything better. I didn’t want that, I didn’t want to rely on a pill to make me happy, when I should be happy to begin with. I never thought of suicide because I thought suicide was a pansy way out of life, but I would always say “When I go to bed, I just wish I would never wake up.” I tried weed two times before my experience I’m about to mention and all I got from it was it made me feel hungry.
So I was hanging out with my buddy and he smokes a lot of weed. I was always against weed, but since EVERYONE today smokes it and it comes from the ground, I figured I would smoke it again (after I went through my phase of trying to find happiness in drinking, smoking etc….I decided to go straightedge) When I went to smoke it, I wasn’t afraid to smoke it at all, I was actually really excited to smoke it, because I was expecting to get happy and just have fun. Well I smoked it and I didn’t get anything for like 20 mins. Eventually I started to get a feeling. I felt giggly, and I remember my buddy asking me what’s so funny and I didn’t know. I wouldn’t say I was happy, I was just laughing and my vision was being weird. Nothing really crazy at all, then out of nowhere, and I mean nowhere, this sense of fear and dread came over me. I couldn’t really move my body, all I could think of was asking questions to myself. Now this is going to sound super weird, but I would ask questions and the questions came out of my head in the forms of lines in like a split of reality. The best way I can describe this is the funnel thing in Donnie Darko that comes out of him. It was like that, but much smaller. These questions I asked came out as lines like that, and it would hit an object, and the object would bounce a question back to me. I know that sounds super weird, but that’s what happened. Every single question led to “why am I here right now” not in a sense of why am I here in life, but as in why am I here right now in this shed smoking weed with this guy? I would keep repeating this question over and over again to myself. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop asking this question/getting asked this question. There wasn’t a definite answer either; it was just the same question getting asked over and over again. I told my buddy I can’t stop asking questions and I want to stop. He told me I needed to go bed, so we walked up stairs and I tried to go to sleep in his bed. I couldn’t close my eyes to save my life and I couldn’t stop asking questions to myself. While I was in his bed, my mind started to think about suicide, like of out nowhere, I just started to think of about slitting my wrist, which is something I never think about doing, because like I said, I thought that stuff was a pansy thing to do and I would rather shoot myself to commit suicide than slit my wrist. I could not stop thinking about slitting my wrist, and I felt like I had absolutely no control over myself, like I wasn’t myself and I had no control over my body. I yelled at my buddy I can’t stop thinking of suicide and I want this to stop. I swear on my life the person next to me who was my buddy said this to me. “I know, it happens when you have bad trip. You need to slit your wrist to get out of this” I thought that was insane that he would say that, and I asked him if he ever had a bad trip, and he said yes. I asked how he got out of it, and he told me he slit his wrist to get out of it. I know my buddy would never tell me to slit my wrist, and I know he never slit his wrist on a bad trip, so at that moment I knew something wasn’t right, and I knew I wasn’t so high that this person next to me isn’t just saying things, especially not the things that he is saying because weed doesn’t do that and probably any drug won’t do that you. I started freaking out, and at that time, time froze, and I swear it froze. I couldn’t move, all I could do was thinking and see and move my eyes. I’m going to try my best to explain this, but my vision was way off. Like I said, I couldn’t move my body, and my buddy was frozen and everything around me stopped, but I could think and my eyes could move. Picture this if you can, I would move my eyes to the right, but my vision would stay in the left, and then very very slowly move to the right, even though my eyes were in the right to begin with. I started to only think of why I’m here again. Everything led to “you are here because you fell into the devil’s trap” What seemed liked forever I was asking “why am I here” and everything always led to “you are here because you fell into the devil’s trap” I could start thinking more openly, like I was asking myself why is the devil even getting mentioned when I don’t even believe in him/never even think about him? Everything I asked always led you the same answer “you are here because you fell into the devil’s trap.” I could not escape this question/answer. Eventually I started thinking well maybe I died and went to hell. It makes sense because time is frozen, and I can’t stop thinking about this question/answer. I started scared because I was like “why I would I go to hell, I lived a good life?” I wasn’t into drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, murder, all the things I thought would be considered sin. I started asking that question as to why I might be in hell, and everything led to I disobeyed my parents because they told me not to hang out with this guy who got me in contact with the guy I’m smoking weed with now, like they said “we don’t have a lot of rules for you, but don’t hang out with this guy, promise us that!” Everything kept going back to it was a sin disobeying my parents for hanging out this guy’s friend, who is into hardcore drugs. At that moment, I started to realize to “Wow, so God is real, and I’m in hell because I disobeyed my parents?” I started to remember one of the Ten Commandments “Honor your father and mother”. Everything kept leading to me breaking that sin. I kept thinking so God is real and if I can think about God, then I might not be in hell. So I started thinking more about God and things started to get peaceful, and that hellish place went away. Just as soon as things started to get really peaceful, hell popped back into mind and things started thinking more about hell, and I’m hell because I disobeyed my parents which is the first commandment. Everything kept leading to I’m in hell, and the devil is truly real. I started to think about the devil really wanted to kill me, and God this whole time offered a way out of this. I kept thinking of that over and over again, it wasn’t a good feeling, and it wasn’t a bad feeling. Eventually since I couldn’t get that out of my head, I started to think I’m stuck in purgatory because I’m realizing the devil and God are both real, but I feel pretty content right now, that fearfulness of being in hell went away, I was at a moment where I was very content. I could actually start to move again and time wasn’t frozen anymore. I remember seeing my buddy was still by my side on the other bed, and I told him I can’t stop thinking about the devil and God, and it’s not good or bad, like I’m stuck in this place where I know the devil is real and God is real, and that’s it, nothing else. He told me to just go sleep because I was having a horrible trip. I was so content, I just laid down and I closed my eyes. When I closed my eyes I started thinking about time, and how time is never ending. I felt like my mind, my thought process was in the moment of the devil is real and God is real and I’m never going to leave this, so time is never ending. I started thinking about time, how it’s always been and always will be. I started thinking about God, and how God was there when time began, and I just kept thinking to myself time is never ending, time has always been and time will always be, there is absolutely no end to time. I started telling my buddy how time has always been, and how time will always be. I kept repeating that phrase over and again, it kept getting faster every time I repeated it. I kept getting faster and faster and I was so speaking so fast that my words were probably going to speed the light, no joke. If a doctor or someone in the medical field was there when I was saying this over and over again, they would probably write down I was fastest talking person ever I was saying “time is never ending, time has always been and time will always be” so fast over and over again. I was shaking my legs too, so I probably looked like an absolute crazy person talking at the speed at light about how time is never ending, time has always been and time will always be while shaking my legs sitting on this bed. When I started shaking my legs, (now you are going to call me crazy) I felt my spirit leave my body and I felt like I was being held up by someone and I had wings. This person who was Jesus, told me that I have been revealed things only a select few people have been revealed and He told me because of Him, I had a second chance at life. He told me God loves me so much that He sent Himself to die on the cross for me. He told me He paid for my sin and everyone’s sin, and by going through Him and giving my life to Him, I can have ever lasting life in Heaven. He started poking at me in a way being sarcastic with me and not condemning. He was like “you know the right way, but yet you chose to wrong way, it doesn’t satisfy that void in your heart you are searching for, why do you this Weston?” I was crying so hard, my buddy was there to witness for me talking to this person who I was seeing in front of me. (so my buddy saw me screaming and crying at this person who he couldn’t see in front of me). I was screaming so loud and crying so hard at this person in front of me, His presence was filled with peace, joy, everything right in life, everything my body longed for, everything I have been searching for. It was the best feeling ever. The best way to describe it, it felt right, and it felt like I was at home (which is Heaven). He left and I got this pounding feeling I needed to be with my parents right now.
I walked home (luckily I was only a few mins from my house), and when I got home my parents weren’t home, so I called my girlfriend. I remember calling her, but I don’t remember talking to her. She told me when I called she didn’t think it was me, I told her things I have been hiding from her, which I NEVER wanted her to know, and I would never tell her. I told her I needed to treat her better and we need to work together to live a life for God. Like I said, I don’t remember doing this, but she said I did, and I don’t know why she would make that up, so I know it happened. As soon as I got off the phone with her, my parents got home and I remember I ran to them telling them the devil and God are real and we all need to live our life for God and Jesus, and that Jesus revealed Himself to me and gave me a second chance. They asked if I wanted to pray, so I prayed with them. Now this is going to sound weird, but when I was talking to my parents, it wasn’t them talking, it was their voice, but the things they were saying/mentioning was things they would not mention. The pace in their voice wasn’t the same either; my only explanation for this was God was talking through them. They said, “So Wes, why did you did smoke weed?” They weren’t condemning, it was asked in a curious way. I told them because I want to be happy, and everyone I see smoking weed seems to be happy and content with life, and all I wanted was happiness. They asked “well how did it make you feel?” Trust me, they would not ask me these questions, so I know God was talking through them. I told them I didn’t satisfy that need I had. They said you experienced Heaven and Hell right? (They didn’t know this at the time that I experienced Heaven and Hell, so I know it was God based on that question they asked) I told them yes, and they said so you realize there are two sides right? I told them yea, and the Heaven side was the side my body longed for, the Hell side was a never ending feeling of hopelessness, not evil, just hopelessness and I hated it. They asked to pray, and so I put my head in the couch, and started to pray. I closed my eyes and I heard this voice in my head. I knew it was God, because I felt that warm peaceful feeling again and I felt like I was floating again and I was being grasped by someone warm full of peace. They said you ask a lot of questions, do you ever wonder why? I told them yes, all the time. He said because I have a desire in my heart to understand things and how things work. He told me He knows I always think I’m mentally ill and getting on pills would solve my problems, but He said He made my mind the way it is for great reasons, reason I can’t even understand right now, and everything will come together in the end, He promised. He said my desires in life can’t be met with alcohol, drugs, and sex, and there is reason for that. He told me He is the only thing that will make me feel what I want to feel, what I spent the whole last 2 years searching for, and He was right. He said told me there is a reason why I question things like I do, and it’s not wrong and there is nothing wrong with me. He said my life is going to be full of greatness, and my life so far is just the tip of the ice burg of what will happen in the future. He asked me why I liked my girlfriend? I told him I don’t know, I just do. He asked if it’s because there are things about her that just click with me that I find attractive? I told him yea, like her humor and personality, and He said there is a reason we met and why I find things about her I never found in any other girl, no matter how hard I searched. He told me that together we are meant for great things in the future and I needed to treat her and my parents better than I have been. He was so right because I treated her so bad, and my parents even worse. I told Him I promised I would treat them better and I asked if there was anything else I need to work on. He said I needed to quit lusting for things, and coveting things that people have, and He was so right about that, lusting/coveting things was a huge part of my life, and it was slowly destroying me. He told me I was special to Him and my family is very special to Him. He told me He showed me the two sides, the good and the bad, and He gave me a second chance and revealed to me things He has revealed to only a select few. At this time I was looking at my dog and He told me my eyes were blinded by sin and He opened them back so I can see the truth. That statement brought me to tears because I was looking at my dog who was deemed blind about 3 years ago, but after my mom prayed for him, he got his sight back, and the doctors said it was miracle. When that happened to my dog, at the time, I just said it was merely a coincidence but now I realize it happened for a reason and that reason was for me at the this time. I remember saying “Wow, everything happens for a reason and God is always behind that reason, whether good or bad.” He told me He was walking right beside me when I was walking home, and He has always been walking with me and will walk with me till the end of my life. After that I prayed with my parents (keep in mind this whole time, my body felt so unnatural and my vision wasn’t right either) and after the prayer, I got pounded with I needed to call my girlfriend and my buddy of mine from my old church. After I thought of doing that, my vision went back to normal and my body felt normal again. I knew it was God, because there is no way all of this happened because of the drug, and it ended as soon as the prayer is over, no way that’s just a coincidence.
I know that was long and some of you are probably calling me crazy if you read it all, and saying it was just a very rare bad trip I had, but I’m saying I know it was God. He loved me so much He came down and revealed Himself to me in a way I could know it was Him, the only way I would ever start believing in Him again. The only way I could over get over my hardened heart, and God did it. I feel so changed, I felt brand new. My mind always felt like it was knots and I always felt so overburdened. Ever since I gave my life to Lord, I don’t have that void anymore, that void that I’m pretty sure everyone who is reading this probably has if they don’t know the Lord. I know that feeling, it’s horrible, you try to fill it with sex, drugs, drinking, smoking, being abusive, being mean, I know that feeling. I was filled with lust trying to fill that void, and I was so mean to people, so mean to people, anyone reading this I was mean to, I’m truly sorry and I deserve that Hell I experienced because I was mean to you. I have honestly felt more outgoing to be nice to people, and my sinful desires are still there, the things I struggle with are still there, but they aren’t being thrown at me like they once were, so I know God intervened in things.
Also I would like to address this situation that just happened to me. Last night as I was questioning this experience that maybe it wasn't God, and maybe it was just the drug, I asked God to give me 1 more sign so I can know if it really was Him and quit doubting. I'm not kidding, exactly 3 minutes after I prayed that, my buddy Tyler who I haven't heard from in a year called me. Tyler was a very hardcore atheist, he believed science was the answer to everything, and both him and I thought he would never give into the idea of there being a higher power or God. He called me and told me that for the past month a lot of positive situations have been happening in his life and the only logical explanation besides pure coincidence was that fact that maybe God was in the middle of it. He said he didn't want to believe it, but he says it's a very possible explanation. He then told me he read my blog and after that he questioned everything and started to believe that maybe God is real. He also told me that his buddy who was recently on drugs lashed out one day because he couldn't get high and for the first time in his life, he felt the presence and believed that evil really existed, and he couldn't explain it. I thought this 2 hour conversation I had with him over the phone was crazy because like I said, I haven't heard from this guy in over a year, he is one of the most straight forward atheist out there, he constantly reads books and atheist and has told me he has conformed many people to atheism. I just think it's weird when I have all this doubt in my head, and I ask God to give me 1 more sign so I know it was really Him and not the drugs, that Tyler calls me 3 minutes later telling me that he is actually starting to believe in a God and that God might be the only answer he needs to get that satisfaction in my life I was looking for that he also has a hard time getting.