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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Davin

Always question all authorities because the authority you don't question is the most dangerous... except me, never question me.

xSilverPhinx

I am what survives if it's slain - Zack Hemsey


Biggus Dickus

Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 14, 2017, 12:07:15 AM


Now that's funny xSP! ;)
:rofl:



Last week during a trial here in northern Michigan the small town prosecuting attorney called onto the stand his first witness, an elderly woman named Mrs. Mayette who was a long time resident of the town.

"Good Morning Mrs Mayette, you know who I am don't you", he asked?

"Why yes, I do know you Mr. Marsh", she replied. "In fact I've known you since you were a little boy, and to be frank you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you talk about people behind their backs, and manipulate them to suit your needs. You walk around this town like you are a big shot, and expect and act as if everyone should cater to your every whim, but you haven't got the brains to realize that you'll never amount to nothing more than a two-bit paper pusher".

"Yes I know you".


Mr. Marsh, along with the entire courtroom was stunned into silence, not knowing what else to say he cleared his throat, pointed across the room at the defense attorney and ask her, "Mrs. Mayette you also familiar with the defensive attorney Mr. Damour, are you not"?

Nodding her head in affirmation she replied, "Why yes I've known Mr. Damour since he was a small child, in fact I used to babysit him while his poor single mother worked two jobs to support him and his brother. Now she sits all alone at the senior home with only myself and some of the other church ladies visiting her because Mr. Damour is too busy running around cheating on his wife with multiple women. He's also bigoted, lazy and has a horrible drinking problem. His practice is one of the worst in the state, certainly in this town. In fact Mr. Marsh, one of the ladies he is currently having an affair with is your wife."

"Yes I know him".

Again the entire courtroom was stunned into a complete and uncomfortable silence,...finally the judge cleared his throat and asked both counselors to approach the bench.

Leaning forward across the bench he quietly yet firmly whispered, "If either of you morons ask her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair"!
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

Essie Mae

A statistician gave birth to twins. She had one baptised but kept the other as a control.
Hell is empty and all the devils are here. Wm Shakespeare


Icarus


Magdalena


"I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe." ~Recusant

Dave

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

Essie Mae

Quote from: Icarus on October 23, 2017, 01:40:41 AM
Not a straight up joke with a punch line but I thought it to be funny.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfFJ7R8pDs

Well there was a punchline of sorts at the end when they missed out adjectival profanities. It was ridiculously funny.😂
Hell is empty and all the devils are here. Wm Shakespeare


Biggus Dickus

"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

Dave

When I was in education I was determined to learn everything, science, philosophy, art, languages etc. Trouble was I suffered from terrible dyslexia.

So now I am a fully qualified gollypot and mollypath.
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

Dave

On London's Speakers' Corner the aspiring politician was trying to overcome the hecklers.

"Please, please," he shouted, "I can't even hear myself above your shouting!"

As the noise reduced a little one voice was heard above the rest, "Don't worry mate, you're not missing anything worth listening to."
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

Guardian85

"I have one good and one bad bit of news for all you faithful viewers out there!" said the Televangelist to the camera.
"The good news is that we have enough money to build our new Worship Centre!
The bad news, on the other hand, is that it's still in your pockets..."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Dave

Jimmy was a true patriot and was so pleased to find some coloured condoms in red, white and blue. So he bought a pack and took them home.

Some time later his wife, Tilly, was shopping for clothes. The assistant approached and asked what she was looking for.

"Maternity wear," replied Tilly.

"What bust, madam?"

"The blue one."
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

Dave

A priest drives a nun to an appointment. On the way, the priest puts his hand on the nuns thigh. The nun quickly relays a book, chapter and verse from the bible. The priest immediately removes his hand.

On the way back the priest try's it again, and again the nun relays that biblical reference.

Upon returning the priest looked up that verse which read, "Take courage and reach higher into glory!"

------------------------------------------------

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning and have sex. and then it's off to the golf course for breakfast. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud -- I'm eating lots of greens.  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. Then it's supper.  After that it's more sex, then back home for yet more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob!  Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

Icarus