Author Topic: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )  (Read 63007 times)

Gloucester

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4020 on: February 27, 2017, 12:27:07 PM »
:mb lol:
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Father Bruno

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4021 on: March 06, 2017, 07:59:31 PM »
"Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?
Galatians 4:16

Mr. B

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4022 on: March 06, 2017, 09:15:56 PM »
I um....

Need a new keyboard 'cause I....just spit my drink out all over it from laughing. Seriously.

that's the funniest thing I've seen in a month or two.
Argue your limitations and sure enough, they're yours.

Gloucester

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4023 on: March 14, 2017, 02:18:05 PM »
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13.A Flash-light: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . Evolution gave you toes as a device for finding hard things in your way in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Gloucester

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4024 on: March 18, 2017, 07:50:44 AM »
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Gloucester

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4025 on: March 24, 2017, 10:07:39 AM »
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Guardian85

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4026 on: March 24, 2017, 10:20:32 AM »


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tom62

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4027 on: April 05, 2017, 11:52:21 AM »
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Gloucester

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4028 on: April 05, 2017, 12:09:46 PM »
:sadnod:
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Father Bruno

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4029 on: April 05, 2017, 12:45:03 PM »



I just saw this one, would be funny if it wasn't such an accurate description of how these Navy chaps really are. 8)

Squibs.

Spoiler: show
One day while on leave from the Navy, a lonely man went into a bar (All Navy men are lonely).
He's talking to this beautiful woman, and she agrees to a night of business pleasure.
During sex the guy looks down at her and asks "How am I doing?"
She looks at him and says, "About three knots"
Confused the man asks "What do you mean three knots?"
She says "You're KNOT hard, KNOT pleasuring, and you're KNOT getting your money back."

"Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?
Galatians 4:16

Guardian85

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4030 on: April 10, 2017, 06:05:27 AM »


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

joeactor

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Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4032 on: April 15, 2017, 05:18:46 AM »
How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
The lightbulb will only change if Allah wills it!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on Israel.

How many Saudis does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, hired Philippina will change it.

How many Pakistanis does it take to change a lightbulb?
Most are too inbred to figure out which way the lightbulb turns. The dead bulb should be blamed on minorities who insulted Islam. The only logical response is to form trend Twitter to #HangAyazNizami .

How many Egyptians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only the military may change the bulb.

How many Iraqis does it take to change a lightbulb?
All available lightbulbs are already being used for IEDs in daily Sunni/Shia violence.

How many Afghani Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
Demand that the Americans build expensive, top-of-the-line lighting fixture. Then blow it up.

How many Libyans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have assured us that every effort was made to change the lightbulb on time, but that it was simply too late.

How many UAE Emiratis does it take to change a lightbulb?
You are NOT allowed to touch the lightbulb unless you are married to it!

How many Nigerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Lightbulbs are forbidden Western technology!

How many Indian Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
First they must have a massive lecture by "Doctor" Joker Naik, who will interpret the Qur'an to find the only acceptable halal method of lightbulb changing, which proves that the Qur'an is "scientific". Then there will be several lightbulbs in the audience that "convert" on the spot.

How many British Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just have one of their underage, kidnapped, white female change it.

How many French Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
They already smashed every unused bulb in riots.

How many American Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
They’ll just build a shiny new lightbulb at ground zero.

- Imtiaz Mahmood
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett

Tom62

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4033 on: April 15, 2017, 10:26:23 AM »
^ROFL
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Tom62

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4034 on: April 16, 2017, 12:35:22 AM »
Teen aged blond is out of school in summer. She thinks it a good idea to earn some money. After some indecision she decides to hire out as a handy person. She begins knocking on doors in the wealthy part of town. A man answers the door and hears her pitch to do home cleaning or other chores. He says the porch needs to be painted, how much would you charge for that job? She says $50. He says OK, the paint and the brushes are there in the garage.

Back inside, the man tells his wife that the porch is being painted for $50. She says that he is taking unfair advantage of the worker because the porch reaches all the way around the house and that the job is worth much more than $50. He says a deal is a deal.

Two hours pass, Blond knocks on the door announcing that the job is finished. Impressed with the speed of the job the man ponies up the fifty bucks. Blond says that the first coat of paint used only half the paint and that she applied the rest of it for a second coat. Walking away, she turns and says: By the way it is a Lexus not a Porche.
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein