Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Dave]

Bloke living in the middle if the bondu, hundreds of miles from anywhere, has a fault develop in his car's gearbox.

He phones the spares depot but they say his Datsun is so old they don't have any complete boxes left, but can do him a set of gear wheels if he csn install them himself.

"OK", he says, but can you fly them out for me, I need them like yesterday?"

"OK, but we may have to parachute them down tomorrow, our delivery plane is overflying you but on a tight schedule."

"No probs!"

Next day, sound of an aircraft high overhead. The bloke is still in bed but his missus looks out just as - the chute opens with a jerk and the box splits and the contents fall out.

The wife calls out, "Hey, hubby, it's raining Datsun cogs!"


(I'll just get me coat shall I?)

[joeactor]

Good ones xSp and Gloucester!

[joeactor]

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "What can I get you Mr. President?"

[Dave]

^   

[Davin]

^^

[Mr. B]

A little background before the joke.

I sometimes come across as conservative or even Republican to some people. Truth is, while I am fiscally conservative and believe in individual responsibility, I am...at my core, a social liberal. I have vocally defended gay rights and supported the LGBT movement my entire adult life. Heck, the woman we use to do my wife and children's hair is transgendered. I don't have my hair done or I would go to her to. We have seen her perform at New Begginings.[nb]https://www.facebook.com/newbegninningsJCTN/[/nb] I have even had one or two long term girl friends and even my wife question my heterosexuality because I am so sympathetic to the cause and because in person I am a very gentle soul. Not some sort of macho alpha male stereotype. I cry when I'm happy damn it. I see no reason why a man should be second guessed, questioned or even looked at funny if he wears a skirt in public. That shit doesn't matter to me. Wear what you want. Love who you want. Be what you are without shame.

One day my wife came home from work, took one look at me and immediately told me to take off her blouse. So I did. Then she stepped in a little closer and told me to take off her skirt. So I did. Then she leaned in and whispered into my ear, "Take off my bra". Like a good compliant man, I did that to.

Then she stepped back, looked me straight in the eye and said softly but with authority, "Now, If I ever come home and catch you wearing my clothes again, I will file for divorce."

And that's why I stopped wearing women's clothes.

[Biggus Dickus]

[Dave]

^ 

[xSilverPhinx]

The Tetris Effect is well known. Could this be the Pokemon Go Effect while doing maths?

[Icarus]

Something like......xE^x-1 maybe?

[No one]

A woman was in a coma, and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she choked".

[Arturo]

A woman was in a coma, and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she choked".

Lol that's terrible.

[Biggus Dickus]

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, who was also an insomniac?


















She lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

[Pasta Chick]

I found this for the Asmo:

[Tom62]

A young artist exhibits his works for the first time.....
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion of your work?"

"Yes," says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic.

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."