Author Topic: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )  (Read 60411 times)

Guardian85

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #30 on: November 23, 2011, 02:31:40 PM »
(I don't believe in Satan, but I love this joke)

So, Satan walks into a bar. When the patrons of the bar see him they all run out in terror.
All exept one old man sitting quite calmly at the bar with his whisky.
This puzzles Satan who asks :" Why is it that you do not fear me as all others do?"
The old man looks at him and says: "Why should I be afraid of you? I've been married to your sister for 30 years!"


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The Magic Pudding

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #31 on: November 24, 2011, 02:01:37 AM »

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #32 on: November 24, 2011, 04:53:17 AM »
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
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OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #33 on: November 24, 2011, 06:54:55 AM »
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #34 on: November 24, 2011, 07:42:54 AM »
... gotta have something for Thanksgiving...


Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years.
Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea.
Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual.
He screams as he goes running into the bathroom.
Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost.
He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #35 on: November 24, 2011, 10:20:09 AM »
^

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OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #37 on: November 25, 2011, 06:56:18 AM »
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #38 on: November 25, 2011, 02:56:41 PM »
Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #39 on: November 25, 2011, 06:48:52 PM »
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Oh, it's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
"We’ve thought of life by analogy with a journey, with pilgrimage which had a serious purpose at the end, and the THING was to get to that end; success, or whatever it is, or maybe heaven after you’re dead. But, we missed the point the whole way along; It was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing, or dance, while the music was being played.

skwurll

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #40 on: November 25, 2011, 10:54:01 PM »
The only jokes I can call to mind right now are deeply offensive, and believe me, they're just awful.

Well, now that I've said that, I guess I should share a couple.

Q: What's red, white, silver, and runs into walls?

A: A baby with forks in it's eyes.

Q: What's worse than a bee sting?
A: Two bee stings.
Q: What's worse than two bee stings?
A: The Holocaust.
Q: What's worse than The Holocaust?
A: Three bee stings.

OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #41 on: November 26, 2011, 03:27:55 AM »
What's the difference between a cartload of babies and a cartload of sand?

˙ʞɹoɟɥɔʇıd ɐ ɥʇıʍ puɐs pɐoןun ʇ,uɐɔ noʎ

not your typical...

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #42 on: November 28, 2011, 03:15:27 AM »
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Oh, it's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
Hahaha. Made my day. ;D
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OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #43 on: November 28, 2011, 10:52:24 AM »
The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #44 on: December 01, 2011, 04:33:45 AM »
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband:
Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied:
"Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett