Author Topic: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )  (Read 77413 times)

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #15 on: November 11, 2011, 05:49:41 PM »
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  It's a hardware problem.
Hahaha! Good one1 :D
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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #16 on: November 17, 2011, 04:45:38 PM »
A man walks into the doctor's.
Doctor: "You'll have to stop masturbating."
Man: Why!
Doctor: "So I can examine you!"
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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #17 on: November 17, 2011, 04:56:22 PM »
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the U.N. The only question was:-  "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"  The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe thay didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe thay didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution " meant.
In South America thay didn't know what "please" meant.
And finally, in the U.S. they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2011, 04:57:54 PM by OldGit »

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #18 on: November 17, 2011, 04:58:44 PM »
Adam and Eve

Adam was returning home late one night. When Eve confronted him.
"You are seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.

"Don't be silly," he replied. "You are the only woman on earth."

Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked Eve.

"What do you think?" she asked. "I am counting your ribs."
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #19 on: November 17, 2011, 05:00:59 PM »
Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"

"Autumn," he replied.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #20 on: November 17, 2011, 05:03:59 PM »
If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
















































































Their paws.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #21 on: November 17, 2011, 10:36:55 PM »
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers and takes drinks in turns from each. After draining them he orders another, and goes about it the same way. After a while the bar tender comments on this, and points out it would be easier if he'd just drink 1 at a time. The man then explains that he's drinking like this in memory of his 2 brothers, who live in Australia and South America. He says that before they all went their separate ways, they used to all buy each other drinks. So now, they all buy 3 drinks at 7:00 PM, and drink each one as if they were another person. The bartender is quite touched, and gives him a free round. After finishing them off, the man pays the tab and leaves. He comes back the following night, and repeats the process. After a while the man becomes a regular, and 1 night, he walks in but only orders 2 drinks. The other men quiet, and a few bow their heads. The bartender comes over and says to the man: "allow me to offer my condolences." The man looks up and replies: "Oh, everything's fine. It's just that I recently joined the Mormon Church, and they said I'm not allowed to drink anymore."

(The original joke was of course worded much better, but its been a long time since I read it)
« Last Edit: November 17, 2011, 10:40:17 PM by Ransom »
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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #22 on: November 19, 2011, 06:23:49 AM »
A pirate waddles into a bar with the ship's wheel in his pants.

"Excuse me, sir," says the bartender, "But it appears you have a ship's wheel in your pants."

"Yarr," says the pirate. "It's drivin' me nuts!"

badum ksh

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #23 on: November 19, 2011, 03:18:14 PM »
(I must say that atheist humor is much better than mensa humor)


A carrot walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic.
The bartender says "Hey! You're gonna have to leave"
The carrot asks "Why?"
The bartender replies "We don't serve food in this bar!"

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #24 on: November 20, 2011, 11:31:02 AM »
I saw my first episode of Old Jews Telling Jokes a couple of days ago and it's full of some good jokes and some of the worse puns you'll ever hear!  ;D
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett

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If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #27 on: November 23, 2011, 05:17:04 PM »
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

Artificial intelligence.

I'm just a student of the game that they taught me.


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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #28 on: November 23, 2011, 05:20:52 PM »
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb
A: Five, one to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round !
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett

OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #29 on: November 23, 2011, 07:24:36 PM »
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.