Author Topic: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )  (Read 69795 times)

no_god_know_peace

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A man won the lottery and donated his winnings to a church. The pastor was questioned, "Don't you feel bad about taking this money that was won through vanity?" The preacher responded, "The devil's had it long enough. Now it's my turn."

let have a laugh :) anyone else got any ?

Note for new members. Please don't feel you have to read the whole thread before contributing duplication is not a problem in this thread!   ;D





EDIT. Modified title because I can never find the damn thread! - Tank
« Last Edit: September 27, 2013, 11:21:59 PM by Tank »

joeactor

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2011, 06:38:59 PM »
A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

'Why?' asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

'Well, I'm a panda,' he says, at the door. 'Look it up.'
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. 'Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'

hismikeness

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2011, 08:34:35 PM »
Three intransitive verbs walk in to a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.
No churches have free wifi because they don't want to compete with an invisible force that works.

When the alien invasion does indeed happen, if everyone would just go out into the streets & inexpertly play the flute, they'll just go. -@UncleDynamite

Heisenberg

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2011, 09:03:29 PM »
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
"No one I think is in my tree, I mean it must be high or low"-John Lennon

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2011, 01:19:14 AM »
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Very good!

"We don't serve neutrinos."
A neutrino walks into a bar.

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett

OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2011, 02:35:03 AM »
Why did the electron cross the road?
To get to the other side, probably.



A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic cathedral. One of the parishioners notices him and turns the priest and says, "Why did you let him come in here?" The priest shrugs his shoulders and says, "We can't have mass without him."
« Last Edit: November 10, 2011, 02:40:04 AM by OldGit »

The Magic Pudding

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2011, 05:38:56 AM »
Let us imagine a nice elderly couple, spending their retirement travelling the galaxy observing wildlife.
Earth's one of their favourites but it's been a few centuries since they visited.

Pa:  It says here there are now 7 billion humans, that's quite an impressive effort, we should have a little party to celebrate.
Ma: Are you sure?
Pa: Ye, let's make a guest list.
Ma: Oh, well OK, if you wan't.

Pa: Dodo, we must invite a dodo, remember those lovely birds.
Ma: Na, none left.
Pa: What, what happened?
Ma: Humans ate them all.
Pa: Ah well, there never were many of them though.
     How about a few passenger pigeons, remember the huge flocks that took days to pass?
Ma: Na, gone, eaten by humans.
Pa: Realy,,, oh.
      Great Auks?
Ma: Eaten
Pa: Oh dear, what about chickens?
Ma: Oh ye there's billions of them, they might have trouble getting away for the party though.
Pa: I think we'll leave the birds for now, how about those glorious black rhinos?
Ma: Probably out of luck there, only a few left locked in zoos.
Pa: What? surely humans haven't eaten all of them?
Ma: Humans use their horns for penile enhancement.
Pa: Penile enhancement?
      Is that really necessary? there's 7 billion of them!
      Hey wait a minute, you're having me on aren't you, rhino horn wouldn't help with erections, would it?
Ma: No, and no.
Pa: Javan Tiger?
Ma: Gone, humans object to being eaten.
Pa: Sharks, I know there's still sharks, remember we watched that movie on the trip over here.
Ma: Well there are sharks but they get a bit nervous for their fins around humans.



Ma: Don't you want to continue with your list.
Pa: Ah no, I think I'll leave it till later.
Ma: Well don't leave it too long.
      

« Last Edit: November 10, 2011, 05:50:13 AM by The Magic Pudding »

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2011, 05:42:46 AM »
TMP, this is a joke thread not a truth thread  ;D
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett

OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2011, 06:08:48 AM »
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

no_god_know_peace

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2011, 11:22:21 AM »
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

Haha so TRUE  ;D

joeactor

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #10 on: November 10, 2011, 01:15:13 PM »
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

not your typical...

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #11 on: November 10, 2011, 01:51:27 PM »
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
hahaha! I don't think I've ever agreed with anyone more that you right now.
And as for my bad joke,
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.
Came from Criminal Minds and I loved it... I was the only one in the room who got it and laughed.
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The Magic Pudding

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #12 on: November 10, 2011, 10:00:18 PM »
Pa: But those lovely little marsupials should be OK, they're good at hiding, let's ask a desert bandicoot.
Ma: Eaten by foxes and cats.
Pa: But how? there were no foxes and cats on that continent.
Ma: People love animals and they couldn't bare to be without their cats.
Pa: Ah, and foxes do humans also enjoy the company of foxes?
Ma: No foxes are fun to kill, people can't be without their sport.
Pa: Oh well the formidable thylacine, they'd hold their own with foxes and cats.
Ma: They were cruel killers of sheep, couldn't let them get away with that.
Pa: Haven't any of the other intelligent species taken humans to task for their actions?
Ma: Dolphins sometimes try.
Pa: So what did the humans say?
Ma: I don't think they understood, didn't say anything, they consider it impolite to talk with a full mouth.
Pa: Do you think we should approach them?
      Why are you showing me that picture?
      Isn't that us on our wedding night?
Ma: No
Pa: Us after our 500th wedding anniversary celebration?
Ma: No it is a common human meal, Spaghetti and Bolognese sauce.
Pa: Oh.


OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2011, 02:46:07 AM »
A WELSH JOKE

Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted.
"But", added Megan, before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."
"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."
After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".
No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."
That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret.
You see, I'm a virgin."
Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.
"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."
Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home.
If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."

joeactor

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2011, 09:52:14 AM »
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  It's a hardware problem.


Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - but don't ask me how they got in there...


Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Mauve.