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PLEASE HELP ME... I THINK I DESERVE TO DIE....

Started by MatureMcLeod, July 26, 2016, 03:22:49 PM

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MatureMcLeod

I did it this time. I really screwed the bible and God over. I don't know how to forgive myself. Here's what happened...

So I was on my way to work and I did the unthinkable, I turned around behind me while driving out of my parking lot. According to Genesis 19:26, God killed an innocent woman for doing so. Isn't God great and merciful? But I did something even more horrid. I was at work and I saw a bunch of sticks on the ground, so I picked them up and put them outside. According to Numbers 15:32-36, I deserve to be stoned to death. Those atheists have no morals, right?

Then I thought, why not help someone to ease my satanic nature. According to 2 Samuel 6:6-7, God kills people for trying to help. This is wonderful a thing to teach to children. But I'm not done, I done the most horrible, awful, sinful thing one can imagine. I do deserve to be in hell forever while the Christians laugh at me roasting.

I was studying the dictionary and saw a new word. I accidentally mispronounced it. God killed a guy for doing so in Judges 12:6. I can't see why people are atheists? It makes no sense.

Bad Penny II

#1
fuck off

Are we getting atheist Mabus's now?

Take my advice, don't listen to me.

Asmodean

Quote from: MatureMcLeod on July 26, 2016, 03:22:49 PM
I did it this time. I really screwed the bible and God over. I don't know how to forgive myself. Here's what happened...
Forgive yourself? That's easy. If you find it difficult, however, shouting obscenities at a church might help some... Until some asshole security guard demands that you go do that somewhere else and you are too polite to not let him do his job properly out of pure spite even though you know you can and he can't do much about it, and so you go away muttering to yourself and fuming out of your ears and channel your rage into a furious fit of masturbation which culminates in the mohter of all anger-jerk-ejaculations and lo and behold! You are forgiven.

Quote
So I was on my way to work and I did the unthinkable, I turned around behind me while driving out of my parking lot. According to Genesis 19:26, God killed an innocent woman for doing so. Isn't God great and merciful? But I did something even more horrid. I was at work and I saw a bunch of sticks on the ground, so I picked them up and put them outside. According to Numbers 15:32-36, I deserve to be stoned to death. Those atheists have no morals, right?
Hey, having some asshole deity go all Old Testament on your ass might not be pleasant, but the New Testament crackpots were... Well, worse in one crucial way. So God turned some dude's wife to salt. Well, salt was expensive in those days, making the dude slightly richer than he was before he had a fifty-some kilo bag of salt, which was a good thing for him. Plenty of salt, none of the nagging. And the wife... She was done. If it were up to the New Testament crowd, she'd be roasting in hell until the end of time, because fuck that ungrateful bitch, right?! I'm right, ritght?

Quote
Then I thought, why not help someone to ease my satanic nature. According to 2 Samuel 6:6-7, God kills people for trying to help. This is wonderful a thing to teach to children. But I'm not done, I done the most horrible, awful, sinful thing one can imagine. I do deserve to be in hell forever while the Christians laugh at me roasting.
Yep. Me, I'm applying for the job as a spit turner when I get there. I mean, with so many souls to roast, that has to be pretty secure as employments go.

Quote
I was studying the dictionary and saw a new word. I accidentally mispronounced it. God killed a guy for doing so in Judges 12:6. I can't see why people are atheists? It makes no sense.
Ah! That's because they are sinners in rebelliion against their lord and dominatrix. Come to think of it, is not not knowing that some kind of a deadly sin..? Well, you're really in for it, aren't you.  ;)
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Bad Penny II

It's a miracle how his sentence structure has improved.
Take my advice, don't listen to me.

Asmodean

Quote from: Bad Penny II on July 26, 2016, 03:45:39 PM
fuck off

Are we getting atheist Mabus's now?
I thought the post was kind of fun, if only because it made me think of that song about how
QuoteYou know it was her own damn fault
When God turned that bitch to salt
That's the way he used to work back in those days

*The Asmo wanders off in the general direction of out-of-His-office whistling the tune*
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Magdalena


"I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe." ~Recusant

Recusant

#6
Quote from: Magdalena on July 26, 2016, 06:21:30 PM
:picard facepalm:
Child! What's wrong with you!?

I could venture a guess. I think he's been told all his life that this holy book contains important guidance handed down from the creator of the Universe. He's learned that the book isn't really holy at all, and actually contains a lot of unreasoning hatred and unjustified oppression (not to mention all of the ignorant bullshit). He's working out the implications of what he's learned.

Personally, I'm fine with that, but I hope that eventually he starts talking with us, rather than just stopping by to blow off steam. I completely understand the steam-blowing, though.
"Religion is fundamentally opposed to everything I hold in veneration — courage, clear thinking, honesty, fairness, and above all, love of the truth."
— H. L. Mencken


Asmodean

Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Magdalena

Quote from: Recusant on July 26, 2016, 06:32:24 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on July 26, 2016, 06:21:30 PM
:picard facepalm:
Child! What's wrong with you!?

I could venture a guess. I think he's been told all his life that this holy book contains important guidance handed down from the creator of the Universe. He's learned that the book isn't really holy at all, and actually contains a lot of unreasoning hatred and unjustified oppression (not to mention all of the ignorant bullshit). He's working out the implications of what he's learned.

Personally, I'm fine with that, but I hope that eventually he starts talking with us, rather than just stopping by to blow off steam. I completely understand the steam-blowing, though.
So this is what "religion withdrawal" is like? :worried:

"I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe." ~Recusant

Dave

What bothers me about this is...

To relate everday events to things in the Bible would take an eidetic memory to word level, or the time to read the book in detail, with enough attention to spot the applicable passages. A lot of time.

This also goes, to a lesser extent, for some of the other uses of Bible quotes.

It is easier to find suitable bits then relate these to possible everyday happenings.

Without a face to face conversation it is impossible to tell which came first. No point in asking on this forum.

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

Sandra Craft

Quote from: Magdalena on July 26, 2016, 08:36:12 PM
So this is what "religion withdrawal" is like? :worried:

For some, yes (me, it was like water off a duck's back).  That's why I've always thought it a low blow when Xtians sneer that ex-Xtians gone atheist were never "real" Xtians.  They obviously didn't see the struggle that some new atheists have going from point A to point Z.
Sandy

  

"Life is short, and it is up to you to make it sweet."  Sarah Louise Delany

MatureMcLeod

For those who didn't know, I'm using sarcasm throughout this entire post. It's God who is evil, not us.

xSilverPhinx

Quote from: Bad Penny II on July 26, 2016, 03:45:39 PM
fuck off

Are we getting atheist Mabus's now?

I had forgotten all about Mabus!  :o

The circus needs a clown every now and then.
I am what survives if it's slain - Zack Hemsey


Ecurb Noselrub

Quote from: MatureMcLeod on July 26, 2016, 09:52:33 PM
For those who didn't know, I'm using sarcasm throughout this entire post. It's God who is evil, not us.

Same with the Christian hospital bit, right?

Magdalena

Quote from: MatureMcLeod on July 26, 2016, 09:52:33 PM
For those who didn't know, I'm using sarcasm throughout this entire post....
We don't know who you are, how are we supposed to know this?  :eyebrow:


Quote from: MatureMcLeod on July 26, 2016, 09:52:33 PM
...It's God who is evil, not us.
Are you an atheist, or do you believe in god?


"I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe." ~Recusant