I also am concerned about what you said about maintaining a semblance of physical needs, a roof etc., while obviously suffering a shortage of permission to "be yourself". Others are determining important things in your life.
Somehow, maybe with help if you can find it, you need to "get in touch with yourself". I have also undergone problems in my youth, not due to religious domination but due to abuse and bullying - the effects on personality can be similar. Suicidal thoughts were also part of my pattern, as was long periods of depression.
Firstly I would stop the concentration on the more vicious side of the Bible. I view the Bible as a handbook of human psychology, a mythification of human feelings, psychology, things barely understood in ancient times. Other peoples had different, yet somehow similar, myths to serve the same purpose, Oedipus being a prime example.
But, concentration on the nasty can inflate its importance in your mind, "infect" you with hatred and self-loathing. It can make you feel that it fills the world.
Reverse it, look for those parts of the Bible that speak of wisdom and love, they are there. Every rational person with the capacity to view others as people in their own right, including most religions, have a version of "The Golden Rule, " "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." One of the "Commandments" that effectively incorporates the other, non-god related, ones.
You don't have to belive in any supernatural deity to find love, it is a valid quality all on its own.
Try to find the strength to withstand the tension you are under, seek help if possible. You may feel that you have to give something up to survive, make sure you really believe in those things you want to hold onto and find how they fit in the real you.
To re-iterate, seek help if you can, look for examples of love and charity in others, be prepared to lose things that are holding you back.
I may be a long way away but I am rooting for you!