Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Biggus Dickus]

the meaning of life
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life... you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, the ten dog gave back, and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

[xSilverPhinx]

^

[Lark]

I don't like the new UK £1 coin much,  but then, I do not like change

[Dave]

Fella walks into a bar with a penguin on a string. "Why've you got a penguin on a string?" asked the barman.

"Found him wandering around in the road, thought he wasn't safe."

"You should take him to the zoo," suggested the barman.

"OK, I'll do that."

Next evening in walks the man, still with penguin in tow.

"Thought you were going to take it to the zoo!" exclaimed the barman.

"Oh, I did and we thoroughly enjoyed the trip. I'm taking him to the movies tomorrow."

--------------------------

Fella walks into a pub dragging a chain behind him. 

The barman says, "Why are you dragging that chain?" and the man says, "Because it's easier than pushing it."

[Essie Mae]

The second one falls into the 'so bad it's good' category Dave.

[Dave]

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student`s immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, `What about extreme sexual exhaustion?`
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, `You can write with your other hand.`

[joeactor]

 

[Dave]

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

[Dave]

The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"

Suzie replied, "...Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs".

The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'O God, I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

[joeactor]

 

[Tank]

I bought a Porn DVD today and put it in the DVD player.
But all I saw was some guy sitting on a sofa holding his dick...

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

[Essie Mae]

Ooooh! You're all awful, but I like you😉

[xSilverPhinx]

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.

And the worst of the worst:

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

[Davin]

An old man who got pulled over for speeding.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Old man: I have no idea.

Officer: You were speeding. Please hand over your license and registration.

Old man: Oh, well I don't have my registration.

Officer: Why not?

Old man: Because I stole the car. Also, I think I should tell you that there is a gun in the glove box.

Officer: You stole the car and you have a gun?

Old man: Yes. Also, I should probably tell you that there's a dead body in the trunk.

The officer calls for back up and handcuffs the old man and puts him into the back of the squad car. Another officer comes by and searches the old man's car then walks back to the old man.

Officer 2: The other officer told me that you stole the car, had a handgun, and a dead body in the trunk.

Old man: Did he?

Officer 2: But I looked through the glove box and found the registration showing that the car is registered to you, but no handgun. Also, there was no sign of any dead body in the trunk.

Old man: Let me guess, that liar also said I was speeding.

[joeactor]