Author Topic: I'm a bit bothered . . .  (Read 966 times)

Dave

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I'm a bit bothered . . .
« on: February 05, 2018, 08:05:46 PM »
. . .my best friend, Jane, who moved to Devon is not happy there and intends to move back - she had a very good circle of friends here, most of which have visited her, and after a year has not managed to find many like minded peopoe down there. Jane has a high level of practical intelligence but is a bit low on the intellectual stuff. She loves computers and gadgets and is great at any hand craft she tries. I statred her off on computers many years ago, now she teaches me stuff!

She had, for many years, had problems in her relationship with her daughter, Karen. Karen is a bit of a control freak, she also has a nasty temper and is a bit physical, mainly at the grabbing of arms and shaking them level. But she has left marks, though Jane does bruise very easily. When Jane left she cut the tie with Karen but, since then they have sort of made up again at Karen's instigation. At the cut Karen described Jane as being senioe - which she is decidedly not.

Karen has problems with her very old computer and is way behind with the work she is supposed to be doing. I agreed to "pass on" my old laptop (gathering dust for two years) - it has a dodgy connection to the screen but works OK once you find the sweet spot angle for the lid. Spent Sunday wiping off my files and accounts, except the Windows account, and putting her on it, then setting it up as she would like it. I am still the Administrator but she is the prime user. Could not find a safe way to fully disconnect myself and register a new owner, might be a way but both of us are passeord protected.

Jane is happy that Karen has "come to realise" she was wrong in the past, I am more cautious, Karen scores high on the manipulstive sociopath behaviour scale from what I can see. But I want Jane to be happy, and she was very appreciative that I was helping Karen out.

Anyway, as we were chatting as I put my coat on I said something about "respecting and appreciating" her mother - as diplomatically as I could. Karen's response was, "But I always have."  In a very "innocent" voice.

Oh, oh, there seems to be a degree of denial in there to my way of thinking. I am bothered.

Karen's daughter, very bright girl, passed her psychology degree with flying colours - then never used that learning as a clinical psychologist, in HR, on a managerial course etc. OK, she is working in a very junior position in a solicitor's office - she might make use of her learning and potential, but she is still under her mother's thumb. My thought was that she chose psychology as an unconcious attempt to sort out her own problems, been there myself so I might just be reflecting.

My fear is that Karen is just playing nice now to get her way, that she is not aware of her own behaviour patterns and that things will revert once Jane gets back. Jane is a strong minded woman but . . .

My own life has not given me much experience of relationships do I have no safe yardstick, just some very strong suspicions that I am trying to be waryly objective about.
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

joeactor

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Re: I'm a bit bothered . . .
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2018, 10:31:11 PM »
You sound like a good friend to Jane. I'm not sure there's much you can do about her daughter except wait, and possibly voice your concerns to Jane.

Just being there can be a big help.

Hope that Karen has made some real changes. I believe people can... but ...

Dave

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Re: I'm a bit bothered . . .
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2018, 09:06:23 AM »
You sound like a good friend to Jane. I'm not sure there's much you can do about her daughter except wait, and possibly voice your concerns to Jane.

Just being there can be a big help.

Hope that Karen has made some real changes. I believe people can... but ...

I have made my feelings known, along the lines of, "Well, let's just hope she has turned over a new leaf." Jane moved to Devon to be closer to her seekingly supportive son, but his wife turned out to be a psin and the son soon became less able to find time for her yet objected to her getting a neighbour to help as a paid handyman. Jane is a very independent woman and as capable as any 75 year old (more than some), but needs a hand with gardening, cleaning, painting etc.

Jane's one big "weakness" is that she has a Grade A, Five Star (with honours) true phobia regsrding rodents that needs 24/7 action (I know, it was a long hight) that her son cannot understand or simply accept.
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

xSilverPhinx

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Re: I'm a bit bothered . . .
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2018, 09:22:16 PM »
You sound like a good friend to Jane. I'm not sure there's much you can do about her daughter except wait, and possibly voice your concerns to Jane.

Just being there can be a big help.

Hope that Karen has made some real changes. I believe people can... but ...

I agree with Joe. I don't know if there is anything more you can do other than voice your concerns and continue to be a good friend to Jane. Karen is her daughter and Jane might deny that there might be personality issues there without really strong evidence, and maybe even so... :notsure:
I'm just a student of the game that they taught me.


Dave

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Re: I'm a bit bothered . . .
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2018, 09:36:53 PM »
You sound like a good friend to Jane. I'm not sure there's much you can do about her daughter except wait, and possibly voice your concerns to Jane.

Just being there can be a big help.

Hope that Karen has made some real changes. I believe people can... but ...

I agree with Joe. I don't know if there is anything more you can do other than voice your concerns and continue to be a good friend to Jane. Karen is her daughter and Jane might deny that there might be personality issues there without really strong evidence, and maybe even so... :notsure:

Yes, just having to make the assumption that Karen is on the level. Jane really wants to rebuild their relationship and I am hoping that I am just being a tad too suspicious/protective. They are both grown ups.

In the meantime I act as if it is all hunky dory . . . Whilst keeping my ears and eyes open. It just bothers me when a fifty something year old woman gets all "girly voiced" and big eyed when she wants something. This is not in a jokey way, it's her personality I think.
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Icarus

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Re: I'm a bit bothered . . .
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2018, 11:27:45 PM »
Sounds every bit like a can of worms to me Dave.  I hope that Jane knows that you are a person who cares. That might be some consolation for her.

xSilverPhinx

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Re: I'm a bit bothered . . .
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2018, 11:45:15 PM »
...when a fifty something year old woman gets all "girly voiced" and big eyed when she wants something. This is not in a jokey way, it's her personality I think.

Sounds real mature.  ::)
I'm just a student of the game that they taught me.