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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Magdalena


"I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe." ~Recusant

Dark Lightning

Quote from: Guardian85 on August 19, 2019, 07:41:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 13, 2019, 01:24:33 PM
It helps if you imagine auto-correct as a tiny little elf who's trying so hard to be helpful while being stoned out of his mind!
is it just me, or does that sound like something Terry pratchett would write?  :o

No, Insert Name Here.  :D

Biggus Dickus

While I was away from the 'HAF" I have to admit to you folks that I went back to church once. The reason is that I found myself falling for another woman, and after things got a little physical the guilt of it made me seek confession.

It went sort of like this:

Me: Yo Padre, it's been like 36 years since my last confession.

Priest: First off address me as Father, and second this could take awhile. Go ahead my son, confess your sins.

Me: Well Father, it's not really as bad as all that, the only thing I have to confess is that I "Almost" had an affair with another woman.

Priest: What do you mean almost?

Me: Well, her and I got naked, and then I started to rub my thing against her thing, but then I realized what I was doing was wrong so I stopped. Her and I got dressed, and we haven't touched each other since.

Priest: Rubbing "Your Thing" against "Her Thing" is the same as "Putting It In". So you are not to see this woman again, and for your penance I want you to say 10 Hail Marys, Five Our Fathers, and put $100.00 in the donation box.

Me: So I left the confessional, and went over and knelt down in one of the pews. I did the Hail Mary's and Our Father's (I couldn't really remember them so I kinda faked it)

Then as I was leaving the church I heard the priest yelling my name, and as I turned around I saw him running after me, so I paused by the doors to the church, and I said, "Yes Father is there something I can do for you"? The priest said, "I watched you, and noticed you never put the $100.00 is the donation box"!

I said, "but Father I did, I took a hundred dollars out of my wallet, and rubbed it against the donation box, because as you said, "That's the same thing as "Putting It In".

"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

Icarus


Tank

Quote from: Guardian85 on August 19, 2019, 07:41:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 13, 2019, 01:24:33 PM
It helps if you imagine auto-correct as a tiny little elf who's trying so hard to be helpful while being stoned out of his mind!
is it just me, or does that sound like something Terry pratchett would write?  :o

Yes. He has cameras with elfs in them that paint pictures.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

jumbojak

I think there's a better thread for this but I can't find it.


"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

Dark Lightning


Buddy

Strange but not a stranger<br /><br />I love my car more than I love most people.

Dark Lightning

People not in the US wonder about the kids in the US taking the Tide Pods challenge. (The person who made this meme was obviously laughing too hard to spell check it.)


jumbojak


"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

Davin

I don't get it, is it hilarious that teaching something takes longer than just doing it?

Or is hilarious because its one of these dumb things where old people think that the new way math is taught is dumb because that's not how they learned it back when they were kids? Like their parents were like, "your new fangled way to do multiplication is stupid," then they bring out their abacus.
Always question all authorities because the authority you don't question is the most dangerous... except me, never question me.

jumbojak


"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

Davin

Oh... sorry. Must be a third option then, an attempt to make fun of a modern way to teach multiplication.
Always question all authorities because the authority you don't question is the most dangerous... except me, never question me.

Icarus

The teacher was attempting to show the students that numbers can be factored before being multiplied. That is often a faster way to do number manipulation.  Despite her presumed best intention the principle did not come off very clearly for the students.

Another method that is vastly different is the Vedic method used often by the people of India.  That is a whole other ball game but it works with great rapidity and most of the products can be calculated mentally.  I urge anyone who might be interested to research the Vedic methods.

Dark Lightning

I used the Trachtenberg system which I learned when I was about 13. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trachtenberg_system#targetText=The%20Trachtenberg%20system%20is%20a%20system%20of%20rapid%20mental%20calculation.&targetText=It%20was%20developed%20by%20the,some%20methods%20devised%20by%20Trachtenberg.

I'll check into the Vedic system, though to be honest my brain isn't quite as plastic as it was 54 years ago. I used to be able to multiply 2- and 3- digit numbers together mentally faster than a lot of people could punch them in on a calculator. Now, I'm working on a wooden chest and sometimes I break down and use the calculator.   :-[