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The Day Jesus Became an Astronaut-His Ascension into Heaven

Started by ristupulous, November 14, 2010, 04:34:09 PM

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ristupulous

Let me tell you about the day Jesus supposedly ascended into heaven. It’s something I’ve always found interesting. Christians never realize this but they actually implicitly, implicitly believe that Jesus, almost two thousand years ago, became the first person to commence space exploration. Jesus was a fucking astronaut! Neil Armstrong was the first astronaut to walk on the moon. Jesus Christ was the very first fucking astronaut! I’m not making this shit up! Okay, so maybe you don’t believe me. I say “Fine.” But don’t you remember Ascension Sunday? Well, probably not. You don’t hear much about it. It’s too damn embarrassing. Well, every year devout Catholicsâ€"not all Catholics mind you, the rest are hung overâ€"gather around with other rocket scientists, six weeks after Easter Sunday, to celebrate the ascension of Jesus into heaven. As the story goes, Jesus is said to have been crucified on the cross, come back from the dead like a motherfucking zombie on the third day after his death, appear to his twelve disciples and others, and after forty days, ascend into heaven until he finally came to rest at the right hand of his father. Now, there is the key part and most ignored part of the story: “ascend into heaven.”

Well, have you ever really thought about this? Honestly? Ever wondered where Jesus, the alleged savior of humanity, really disappeared to? Well, think about it! Heaven is either an imaginary or a physically real place. Are you with me so far? Okay, so if, on one hand, heaven is imaginary, Jesus would be floating up into Earth’s atmosphere, out into the deep beyond, flying through outer space without ever reaching his destination. On the other hand, if heaven is real, if Jesus has somewhere to go, where the hell is it? It would have to be within the universe, of course, and subject to the same natural laws as everywhere else. And that means, as hard as it is for these morons to accept, that people can fall off buildings and die in heaven. Not all people, of course, just Christians! These Christians just don’t want to be scientific. Remember the scientific law of fucking gravity? Gravity keeps shit from floating off this planet!

Anyways, it’s perfectly clear that Jesus would die somewhere in space on his way to heaven. In space he would die without oxygen within a few minutes. He would die of thirst within three or four days and starve to death within two weeks. And how the fuck could he defy all that gravity? I’d also like to point out that Jesus has had nearly two thousand years to travel, so at a few miles an hour floating speed he will reach the end of our solar system in, oh, roughly a billion years. Yes, it would take him a billion fucking years! And by that time, who knows? There might not be a solar system. We already know that our Sun will evolve into red giant in approximately five billion years and will become sufficiently large to swallow up the first four planets in our solar system, which includes planet Earth. It’s just a matter of time before it’s destroyed, along with Astronaut Jesus.

However, even if Jesus got out of our solar system, escaping all the planets, asteroids, and all the trash floating around our planet, he would be trapped in our galaxy by the enormous pull of its gravity. The Sun moves at one hundred and sixty miles per second, not miles per hour, miles per second, and takes two hundred million years to rotate around our own Milky Way galaxy. It would take Jesus, king of the world, roughly two hundred billion years at three miles an hour. That is, until you factor in that the Andromeda galaxy will collide with our own in about four and a half billion years. Since this galaxy is roughly the same mass, we can now more or less conclude that it will take Jesus nearly four hundred billion years to rotate around the Milky Way-Andromeda galaxy. Holy fuck!

And wait, there’s more. One famous bit of Catholic creedal poo says that Jesus “ascended into heaven, sits at the right hand of God the Father almighty; and from there he shall come back to judge the living and the dead.” If you believe this shit, it means that the magical man from happyland has to come down from his throne and travel back through much of the Milky Way galaxy and our solar system, in extreme temperatures that are hundreds of degrees below zero, through all of the comets, asteroids, and planets on his return to Earth for his second coming. And this would just so happen to explain why Jesus hasn’t came back yet after almost twenty centuries of waiting. He’s a frozen ice cube floating through space! Or maybe, just maybe Jesus got sucked in by the supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy! Maybe, he’s fucking dead.

Now, I want you to really think about this, this business about Jesus soaring into heaven and returning from there to judge the world. What would happen to Jesus if he really flew, without a spacesuit, or a spacecraft and rocket fuel, or any extra materials beyond ancient Middle Eastern Jewish clothing, into the sky, defying the Earth’s gravitational field, into the stratosphere, out of the atmosphere, into space, past the planet Mars, through the Asteroid Belt and around Saturn, away from the solar system, and throughout billions of light years of space? Well, supposing that he could float or flap his arms fast enough to get way up into the air, impressing the birds, escaping the MetLife blimp, rising higher than the clouds and past the peaks of Mount Everest, then, starting at roughly forty-five thousand feet, he would begin to lose consciousness. In the next ten, maybe fifteen seconds, he would fucking pass out! In three minutes he would be a limp corpse without a parachute free falling back to the earth at terminal velocity!

At this point, presuming that Jesus was somehow still magically conscious when he exited the lower atmosphere, above the clouds, rain storms, and other weather activity, he would enter the stratosphere and mesosphere where the temperatures are extremely fucking cold! Haven’t you seen the movie Iron Man where Robert Downey Jr. begins to freeze at a certain point in the atmosphere? Yeah, well that shit would happen to Jesus. And even if you believe that Jesus might mysteriously escape unfrozen, he would then cross into the thermosphere where scorching hot temperatures reach thousands of degrees Fahrenheit. Jesus, who promises us the eternal flames of hell if we do not believe, would burn in sheer agony. Jesus would be fucking toast! And don’t tell me he teleported to heaven. It says “ascended,” not fucking “teleported.” And besides, if he could just teleport back and forth from heaven, why go through all the trouble of living inside his mother’s uterus for nine months? Believe me! I’ve thought about this shit!

And this is just when it really begins to get juicy. Now, assuming Jesus was still inexplicably unburned and defrosted by the time he got through the ozone layer, out of the Earth’s atmosphere, and into the vacuum of space, Jesus would begin to get mentally confused and air from his lungs would be forced out his mouth causing him to quickly shake. Jesus would start to suffocate. And in order to alleviate stomach pain, Jesus would commence farting. He would pass gas or cut the cheese. However, he couldn’t hear it because there are no sound waves in space. Next, his body heat would escape, his skin would bubble up, his eyes and other bodily fluids would start to boil, his heart would pump blood up into his head, and paralysis would set in. Jesus would once again be frozen in space! Then, his body would bloat to roughly twice its normal size, his heart and lungs would rupture, water would be dumped out of his body, and he would dry out, shrivel, and be reduced to a small fraction of his original mass. There would be, at this point, less of Jesus for Catholics to eat every Sunday.

Taking this a bit further, suppose for a moment that Jesus really had superhuman strength. Imagine he never grew hungry or thirsty, could travel at the speed of light, and somehow survived by breathing in something other than oxygen. With his strength of steel, spacewalking ability, and supersonic flashes of speed he could cruise past the planet Mars, divert asteroids, and travel fast enough not to get sucked in by the gravity of large planets. He would daringly dodge comets and solar flares from isolated star formations, navigating through the hundred billion galaxies in the known universe, narrowly escaping black holes, breezing past planetary nebula, quasars, and pulsars, until one day, all of a sudden… boom! A giant supernova blasts Jesus into pieces! Ding dong! Jesus is fucking dead! Holy shit! Ladies and gentleman, anyway you think about it, anyway you’d like to consider it, and Jesus ends up fucking dead. And that means that Jesus doesn’t exist. There is no Jesus. In fact, there never was a Jesus. Jesus isn’t real. He’s imaginary and he doesn’t fucking exist.
   
There’s more. There’s more. For those of you who believe this shit about the second coming of Jesus and about the rapture, where Jesus comes back and meets every Jesus-lover in the clouds, whisking them away through the sky and into space, it means that Christians, just like their Jesus, also get to be fucking astronauts! You can forget about NASA. Christians would have their own space program funded by the church. We‘ll call it “Mother Mary and the Flying Christies.” Mother Mary would be the executive director. Well, don’t you remember the Assumption of Mary? She can supposedly fly too! Okay, so Mother Mary and the Flying Christies would travel to other planets within the Milky Way galaxy to convert aliens to all their bullshit until the one day they finally get up to heaven. And that’s just how they want it. They don’t care about you or me or global warming or this planet of ours. They just want it all to end as soon as possible. They just want to be in heaven with Jesus, eating cookies and cake, and watching people in hell be tortured from their luxury skyboxes.
   
And while they watch you be beaten and battered and tormented and burned in the dungeons of hell by the devils and their master Satan, your animals, your precious pets in this life will be in heaven getting stroked and fattened from the fine and delicious foods at the eternal dinner table, or so forty-three percent of Americans believe. Over one hundred and thirty million fucking people in this country believe their pets and yours’ will be with them in heaven. Christians will be grooming and feeding your pets from the comfort of their luxury skyboxes while Satan is beating the fuck out of you! And you know what this means don’t you? That’s right. Astronaut kittens! Puppies! And hamsters! Oh fuck yeah! NASA has monkeys and chimpanzees. The space program of Mother Mary and the Flying Christies will have every goddamn animal ever fucking domesticated! Holy shit!
   
But I can’t finish here. I just can’t finish there. This shit irritates me too fucking much. It’s really all magically stupid bullshit. Are we really supposed to believe, without the most amazing credulity and supreme idiocy, that Jesus, almost two thousand years ago, became the first person to fly through the atmosphere and into space just so he could someday meet a bunch of crazy people above the clouds, thousands of years in the future? And in a pair of sandals and without a spacesuit, spaceship, or a jet propulsion pack, no less? Are you fucking serious? What! Is Astronaut Jesus gliding and floating through space exploring the final frontier? Imagine Astronaut Jesus cruising through outer space right now, into the farthest reaches of the observable universe, landing on all the life bearing planets he can locate with his GPS system for the universe, and attempting to save the souls of all the little space aliens out there, just so he can stop them from fucking each other! Jesus Christ!â€"savior of the planet Earth, space astronaut, and intergalactic destroyer of sin!

“The Day Jesus Became an Astronaut” is written by Adam McClaran, author of the funniest shit you will ever read, Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself: A Comic Monologue on Religious Bullshit in America in Tribute to George Carlin. It’s now available on Amazon and most digital eBook devices.

elliebean

[size=150]â€"Ellie [/size]
You can’t lie to yourself. If you do you’ve only fooled a deluded person and where’s the victory in that?â€"Ricky Gervais

Achronos

"Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."
- St. Augustine

McQ

Folks, this user has been banned for spamming the forum twice in one day under different user names.

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I'm leaving this topic on for now so it can be read by members here, but the topic is locked.
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