Reflections on leaving Christianity and how religion tarnished me for life

[TheWalkingContradiction]

Yes, I am far too sexual.

Just one correction here.
You have a sexual aspect to your being, just as most everyone else does as well.

I think Christianity focuses too much on sex, they make it out to be some sacred activity fraught with the sins of (lust, desire, selfishness...) unless of course you are in the missionary position and trying to make a Christian baby (lots of Christian babies).

Accept your sexuality, it does not define you, and it is not something to fight against. Sex is a natural part of life, and if you think about it, we spend very little time in our lives actually having sex.

If you have a strong sex drive that's  just how you are built. If it doesn't actually disrupt your everyday life then why worry about it?  There is huge variation in human sexuality and the idea of  a right and/or normal intensity of appetite or orientation is just a self- persecuting myth.

It's ironic that I say similar things in my volunteer work.  Some folks have had terrible sexual experiences or have been abused.  Some have fetishes for the sex or sexes to which they are attracted (which I assure them are normal and nothing to be ashamed of), and some have fetishes that cross the boundaries of their sexual orientation (also perfectly normal).  Some have more sex in a month than many will have in a lifetime, and others (men as well as woman) want to wait until they are married.  Most fall in the middle of that last bit.  

Remember that I deal with straight, bisexual and gay guys...  Having done this volunteer work since 2004, I can say that I have learned more about things I thought anatomically impossible, female anatomy, and fetishes that would give me nightmares if I thought about them too deeply than I have ever wanted to know.  I now know why therapists say, "Don't be embarrassed.  I've already heard it all."

O.K., I admit that some of the not-so-scary fetishy things sound like they might be fun once in a while.  Not that I've tried them, but if I ever did get a boyfriend...  Just sayin'.

Even saying that is quite a breakthrough for me.  I think the problem, as always, is that I am patient and gentle with people I work with but impatient and self-hating when I deal with myself.  The yoke of religion remains even though I am an atheist.  It is very hard to break, though I do not believe it is impossible to break.

[En_Route]

Yes, I am far too sexual.

Just one correction here.
You have a sexual aspect to your being, just as most everyone else does as well.

I think Christianity focuses too much on sex, they make it out to be some sacred activity fraught with the sins of (lust, desire, selfishness...) unless of course you are in the missionary position and trying to make a Christian baby (lots of Christian babies).

Accept your sexuality, it does not define you, and it is not something to fight against. Sex is a natural part of life, and if you think about it, we spend very little time in our lives actually having sex.

If you have a strong sex drive that's  just how you are built. If it doesn't actually disrupt your everyday life then why worry about it?  There is huge variation in human sexuality and the idea of  a right and/or normal intensity of appetite or orientation is just a self- persecuting myth.

It's ironic that I say similar things in my volunteer work.  Some folks have had terrible sexual experiences or have been abused.  Some have fetishes for the sex or sexes to which they are attracted (which I assure them are normal and nothing to be ashamed of), and some have fetishes that cross the boundaries of their sexual orientation (also perfectly normal).  Some have more sex in a month than many will have in a lifetime, and others (men as well as woman) want to wait until they are married.  Most fall in the middle of that last bit.  

Remember that I deal with straight, bisexual and gay guys...  Having done this volunteer work since 2004, I can say that I have learned more about things I thought anatomically impossible, female anatomy, and fetishes that would give me nightmares if I thought about them too deeply than I have ever wanted to know.  I now know why therapists say, "Don't be embarrassed.  I've already heard it all."

O.K., I admit that some of the not-so-scary fetishy things sound like they might be fun once in a while.  Not that I've tried them, but if I ever did get a boyfriend...  Just sayin'.

Even saying that is quite a breakthrough for me.  I think the problem, as always, is that I am patient and gentle with people I work with but impatient and self-hating when I deal with myself.  The yoke of religion remains even though I am an atheist.  It is very hard to break, though I do not believe it is impossible to break.

It's a commonplace now but yet encompasses a fundamental and potentially transformative truth to stress the importance of demonstrating understanding and compassion to yourself.We are all the chance outcome of inheritance and circumstance and an internal circuitry that makes a travesty of the claims for intelligent design; nobody can avoid blundering around, chasing false trails, kidding ourselves, hurting those who are close to us, the whole panoply of fuck- ups that are the lot of every biped on the planet.

[Stevil]

The yoke of religion remains even though I am an atheist.  It is very hard to break, though I do not believe it is impossible to break.

OK, I'm no therapist, so I don't know if this is good or bad advice.

Maybe try some baby steps.
Blaspheme is a good one.
When you are home alone, say out loud that Jesus is not god. That Jesus death meant nothing, blood sacrifices are grotesque, stupid ignorant superstition.
Maybe mention that Jesus was gay, he probably was you know, surrounding himself with an all male apostles.

If it is going to rack you will guilt then don't do it. But if you do it, and then find that bad things don't happen, you don't get turned into a pillar of salt, she bears don't come out of the wood work to maul you, lightening doesn't strike you where you stand, the world doesn't get drowned in a flood. Maybe intentionally putting yourself into "Hell" can take away all your worries about whether your future actions will send you to hell or not. If this is a fear of yours (I Dont Know if it is). You can take away this emotional blackmail.

[Ali]

TWC, thank you for sharing with us.  It made me sad to read about all of the abuse that you have suffered, but also happy and proud of you that you have weathered the storms and dedicated yourself to being a compassionate and giving person. 

[TheWalkingContradiction]

It's a commonplace now but yet encompasses a fundamental and potentially transformative truth to stress the importance of demonstrating understanding and compassion to yourself.We are all the chance outcome of inheritance and circumstance and an internal circuitry that makes a travesty of the claims for intelligent design; nobody can avoid blundering around, chasing false trails, kidding ourselves, hurting those who are close to us, the whole panoply of fuck- ups that are the lot of every biped on the planet.

This is one of the best things I have read in weeks.  Maybe in years...

It is exactly what I feel but have never put together in a short paragraph.  My hat is off to you!

[TheWalkingContradiction]

The yoke of religion remains even though I am an atheist.  It is very hard to break, though I do not believe it is impossible to break.

OK, I'm no therapist, so I don't know if this is good or bad advice.

Maybe try some baby steps.
Blaspheme is a good one.
When you are home alone, say out loud that Jesus is not god. That Jesus death meant nothing, blood sacrifices are grotesque, stupid ignorant superstition.
Maybe mention that Jesus was gay, he probably was you know, surrounding himself with an all male apostles.

If it is going to rack you will guilt then don't do it. But if you do it, and then find that bad things don't happen, you don't get turned into a pillar of salt, she bears don't come out of the wood work to maul you, lightening doesn't strike you where you stand, the world doesn't get drowned in a flood. Maybe intentionally putting yourself into "Hell" can take away all your worries about whether your future actions will send you to hell or not. If this is a fear of yours (I Dont Know if it is). You can take away this emotional blackmail.

It is excellent advice, Stevil, and it is actually something I do as part of my own BT (behavior therapy) after having had real BT for my OCD many years ago.  I have gone further than what you said, though.  Try "Jesus can suck my gay dick."  That sums up how I feel about religion and homophobia.  I have also worked "your fucking Jesus" and "You've got Jesus so far up your ass that..." into shouting matches with theists who don't leave me alone.  No, THAT probably is not healthy--for them--as it confirms all their stereotypes of me and reinforces their religion.  But I needed to say it and did.

And mind you, I never used to curse before.  I mean never.  (I have been told I am really scary when I yell, which surprises me since I don't see myself as scary at all.  Heck, I'm a pacifist.  But I also won't take crap any more.)

The ol' OCD does sometimes come around and talk about unpardonable sins and how I really am going to hell for that.  (Yes, Stevil, the hell issue is still something my OCD focuses on.)  But as I know, agree with OCD (not because it is right but because that is the only way to disarm it) and don't let whatever thoughts or emotions that get stirred up interfere with whatever I need to do.  I can enjoy myself even when I feel OCD stress.

For those who do not know about OCD...  Imagine you are in the middle of teaching a lesson and suddenly a wave of anxiety hits you and says "You don't know what you are talking about, and your students are laughing at you because they know you are an idiot" or "A tsunami/earthquake/hurricane/nuclear explosion/terrorist attack is about to occur and you are going to die in agony."  In the old days I thought this was all real.  Today I know it feels real, but it is not.  I just keep teaching and ignore it, as real as if feels.  (It took me a long time to learn to do that, and now it is second nature.  But these 'attacks' are and will always be a daily occurance, just something I have to live with.  I am usually at my funniest and cracking my class up the most when my OCD is bad, as I will not let OCD interfere with the--dare I say it?--SACRED duty of teaching my students.)

Now, with such a mindset, you can imagine what it is to deal with religious guilt.  

The more I say "Yes, I'm going to hell.  So what?"  and "Yes, I will die in a disaster in five minutes, but first I have to finish explaining indirect object pronouns," the more I weaken OCD and control my own destiny.

Religion = societal OCD.

[TheWalkingContradiction]

TWC, thank you for sharing with us.  It made me sad to read about all of the abuse that you have suffered, but also happy and proud of you that you have weathered the storms and dedicated yourself to being a compassionate and giving person.  

 

Again, I try my best to be compassionate and giving.  Often I succeed, but sometimes I am all too human.

[xSilverPhinx]

For those who do not know about OCD...  Imagine you are in the middle of teaching a lesson and suddenly a wave of anxiety hits you and says "You don't know what you are talking about, and your students are laughing at you because they know you are an idiot" or "A tsunami/earthquake/hurricane/nuclear explosion/terrorist attack is about to occur and you are going to die in agony."  In the old days I thought this was all real.  Today I know it feels real, but it is not.  I just keep teaching and ignore it, as real as if feels.  (It took me a long time to learn to do that, and now it is second nature.  But these 'attacks' are and will always be a daily occurance, just something I have to live with.  I am usually at my funniest and cracking my class up the most when my OCD is bad, as I will not let OCD interfere with the--dare I say it?--SACRED duty of teaching my students.)

How is this different from an anxiety or panic attack? Are they mingled with OCD or another thing such as post traumatic stress disorder or something?

[TheWalkingContradiction]

How is this different from an anxiety or panic attack? Are they mingled with OCD or another thing such as post traumatic stress disorder or something?

OCD, anxiety/panic attack, GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), phobic disorder and a number of other disorders all fall into the same family: anxiety disorders.  Manifestation differs, but treatment tends to be the same.  Behavior therapy and, when necessary, medication are the best treatment.

Also, OCD and other anxiety disorders can co-occur with bipolar disorder, ADD, ADHD, Asperger's, borderline personality disorder, and a host of other issues.  Some form of depression often accompanies OCD and other anxiety disorders.

[DeterminedJuliet]

TWC, thank you for sharing with us.  It made me sad to read about all of the abuse that you have suffered, but also happy and proud of you that you have weathered the storms and dedicated yourself to being a compassionate and giving person.  

 

Again, I try my best to be compassionate and giving.  Often I succeed, but sometimes I am all too human.

I think you may be the most polite (currently active) user we have on here  

[TheWalkingContradiction]

I think you may be the most polite (currently active) user we have on here  

I can only answer that with something I told a student last week.  He remarked about how patient I was with him and the other students.  I said, "This may be the only place in the world where I am patient.  I am normally an impatient person.  If you told my mother I was patient, she would fall off her chair laughing."

-------------------------

I am concerned that, because I come from an ex-Christian background, I do the Christian thing by painting myself in such bright colors.  (Well, we gays do like rainbows...)  One day I will probably be rude and get moderator red thrown at me.  I don't want everyone to be shocked.  Because of what I do and what I profess, people often have a double standard for me, and if I act human some people consider it inexcusable.

So... Let me give an example of how petty/vindictive I can be...

Way back in 1992, when I was a twentysomething working in a university in a non-teaching job, I was given my two week notice.  Basically, I had been fired for being uncooperative.  I simply would not do anything that hurt students, and I had issues with authority figures since I had just come out of a cult.

I knew that my boss would stay in his office until I left, and so, three days before my last, I stayed alone in the common office until 1:00 AM playing computer games.  His office was next to the common office, and unknown to him we in the common office could always hear his bellowing voice when he was on the phone.  He kept calling his wife, who was waiting for him at a social event he was looking forward to, to tell her that he thought I would be leaving soon.  Eventually, he had to tell her he could not make it at all, and he sent out for dinner to be delivered from a local greasy spoon diner.  Then I heard him talking to someone about how he needed to go home and sleep before the big day the next day.  "Why is he taking so long?" 

The only reason I waited until 1:00 AM and did not stay all night was that the building closed at that time.  And I made sure he knew I was merely playing computer games.

Had he merely told me that he did not trust me in the building alone and wanted me to leave, I would have done so.  But he was still playing the nice guy and pretending to be on my side.  All I wanted was the satisfaction of hearing that he did not trust me alone even after all I had done.  He didn't say it, and I didn't budge.

Besides, I already had a letter of recommendation from a dean who hated him...

There are many other examples of what a bastard I can be--and how I enjoy it.

Now you see the real me.  (Pity we don't have a devil smiley face to put here.)

[Tank]

Just don't dare me to ban you. It can have exactly the desired effect.

[En_Route]

I think you may be the most polite (currently active) user we have on here  

I can only answer that with something I told a student last week.  He remarked about how patient I was with him and the other students.  I said, "This may be the only place in the world where I am patient.  I am normally an impatient person.  If you told my mother I was patient, she would fall off her chair laughing."

-------------------------

I am concerned that, because I come from an ex-Christian background, I do the Christian thing by painting myself in such bright colors.  (Well, we gays do like rainbows...)  One day I will probably be rude and get moderator red thrown at me.  I don't want everyone to be shocked.  Because of what I do and what I profess, people often have a double standard for me, and if I act human some people consider it inexcusable.

So... Let me give an example of how petty/vindictive I can be...

Way back in 1992, when I was a twentysomething working in a university in a non-teaching job, I was given my two week notice.  Basically, I had been fired for being uncooperative.  I simply would not do anything that hurt students, and I had issues with authority figures since I had just come out of a cult.

I knew that my boss would stay in his office until I left, and so, three days before my last, I stayed alone in the common office until 1:00 AM playing computer games.  His office was next to the common office, and unknown to him we in the common office could always hear his bellowing voice when he was on the phone.  He kept calling his wife, who was waiting for him at a social event he was looking forward to, to tell her that he thought I would be leaving soon.  Eventually, he had to tell her he could not make it at all, and he sent out for dinner to be delivered from a local greasy spoon diner.  Then I heard him talking to someone about how he needed to go home and sleep before the big day the next day.  "Why is he taking so long?" 

The only reason I waited until 1:00 AM and did not stay all night was that the building closed at that time.  And I made sure he knew I was merely playing computer games.

Had he merely told me that he did not trust me in the building alone and wanted me to leave, I would have done so.  But he was still playing the nice guy and pretending to be on my side.  All I wanted was the satisfaction of hearing that he did not trust me alone even after all I had done.  He didn't say it, and I didn't budge.

Besides, I already had a letter of recommendation from a dean who hated him...

There are many other examples of what a bastard I can be--and how I enjoy it.

Now you see the real me.  (Pity we don't have a devil smiley face to put here.)

Hardly. The idea of the permanent, imternally consistent, indivisible self is I think a perception we are endowed with because of ithe evolutionary  advantage it confers.  At the very least ! i think you will accept that as a person one evolves and grows or shrinks) and that humans are subject to contradictory impulses, often driven by motivations and needs that are occluded from ourselves. So this incident is not the distillation or essence of TWC. The fact that you cite it as such ( even if not entirely seriously) may say something.

[TheWalkingContradiction]

Just don't dare me to ban you. It can have exactly the desired effect.

Only the bastard should be banned.  The sweet, humble, salt of the earth teacher (ha!) wants to stay.  

[En_Route]

Just don't dare me to ban you. It can have exactly the desired effect.

Yes, better to  dare him not to ban you and you'll be here for life.