Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[joeactor]

A FB friend sent me this today.

Three men died just before Christmas.
St Peter said they could only come in if they had something to do with Christmas on them.
The first man flicked his lighter on and said, 'This is a candle'.
'Come in', said St Peter.
The second man jingled his keys and said, 'These are sleigh bells'.
'Come in', said St Peter.
The third man pulled out a thong and a bra.
'What have these to do with Christmas?' asked St Peter.
'They're Carol's'.

[Tank]

Just whizzed this up. How many have you read in the last year?

[Dark Lightning]

Every stinking one of 'em. It's everywhere.

[Tank]

Every stinking one of 'em. It's everywhere.

[No one]

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?

The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."

The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[joeactor]

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?

The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."

The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

That's a good one!

[Dark Lightning]

This is funny, but maybe doesn't belong here. In any event, have a look. I laughed so hard I cried at this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=xoxhDk-hwuo

[joeactor]

This is funny, but maybe doesn't belong here. In any event, have a look. I laughed so hard I cried at this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=xoxhDk-hwuo

Watched it earlier... He's definitely an engineer! (thieving thieves got off easy!)

[xSilverPhinx]

Just whizzed this up. How many have you read in the last year?

Thankfully, as far as those gems are concerned, my year has been bullshit-free.

[xSilverPhinx]

This is funny, but maybe doesn't belong here. In any event, have a look. I laughed so hard I cried at this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=xoxhDk-hwuo

"OH HELLLLL NAAAAWWWWWW!"

[Icarus]

The Porch pirate  vid is a hoot.  This is the time of year when those bastards follow UPS and Fed Ex trucks. They then .....not the trucks, the porch pirates, grab and run with the packages.  It must be like Christmas or Forest Gump's chocolate box to the thieves who have no idea what is in the packages. 

I sold my business and all the goodies that I had collected in the many years that I was in business. The goodies included such stuff as micro switches, proximity detectors, solenoids, and various other doo dads that could have been used to fuck up the porch pirates big time.  I had been an engineer who designed and built control systems for various machines such as printing equipment.  I regret that I no longer have those bits and pieces to foil the thieves.

My wife is a power E bay seller who has anywhere from 10 to 30 packages to ship via US postal service every day.  We put the USPS bins and the packaged items on our porch. The mail carrier picks them every working day. .  I have been a bit paranoid about the possibility of having some scum bag steal the USPS package bins with all those smaller packages.   SO far we have had no thievery and that has been several years.   Nonetheless I wish to hell that I had kept some of the gadgetry that I had a few years back.  I would not have had the brilliance of the guy in the video but I could have made life miserable for any of the  porch pirates.

Meanwhile I will have to be ever vigilant during this season of package plenty.  Aside from that I am much appreciative of the inventiveness of the wizard in the vid.  The fart spray thing is particularly clever.   

[Dark Lightning]

While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!

[xSilverPhinx]

While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!

Since in Portuguese "ladrão de merda" means lousy or incompetent thief (literally shit thief but without the derogatory homosexual connotations) or shit stealer, I would collect some fresh dog poop, put it in a sealed box along with a message that reads: Ladrão de merda!

[Dark Lightning]

While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!

Since in Portuguese "ladrão de merda" means lousy or incompetent thief (literally shit thief but without the derogatory homosexual connotations) or shit stealer, I would collect some fresh dog poop, put it in a sealed box along with a message that reads: Ladrão de merda!

Maybe make the box so that once it is open, that it's really hard to get closed. That way they get more of the "bouquet". 

[xSilverPhinx]

While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!

Since in Portuguese "ladrão de merda" means lousy or incompetent thief (literally shit thief but without the derogatory homosexual connotations) or shit stealer, I would collect some fresh dog poop, put it in a sealed box along with a message that reads: Ladrão de merda!

Maybe make the box so that once it is open, that it's really hard to get closed. That way they get more of the "bouquet". 

I like the way your mind works, DL. Positively evil!