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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Biggus Dickus

Hotel clerk : Good evening Sir, what brings you to our hotel?

Me: I saw a giant spider in my bedroom.

Hotel clerk: ?

Me: It got away before I could kill it...
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

No one

What's better than Roses on your Piano?
















Tulips on your Organ.

Biggus Dickus

So Jimmy is walking slowly down the street, and his face long and full of despair when he passes by the local preacher, who stops Jimmy and says:

Preacher: Hey Jimmy why the long face?
Jimmy:  Hello Father, well I'm not doing well. You see I just bought a brand new bicycle and it was stolen, and I don't have the money right now to get a new one and it's the only way I have to get to work, so if I don't get my bike back I'll probably lose my job.

Preacher: Here's what I want you to do Jimmy, you believe in Jesus Christ don't you?
Jimmy: Why yes of course Father I believe in Jesus.
Preacher: You accept him as your savior don't you?
Jimmy: Yes Father I accept Jesus as my lord and savior.
Preacher: So I want you to get down on your knees for Jesus can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees for Jesus.
Preacher:  I want you to pray to Jesus, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and pray to Jesus.
Preacher: And I want you to ask Jesus to forgive your wicked ways, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and say a prayer to Jesus and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness.
Preacher: And then I want you to recite the 10 commandments, you do know the 10 commandments don't you Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father, I know the 10 commandments, and I'll get down on my knees and pray to Jesus, and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness, and than recite the 10 commandments.
Preacher: When you get to that part of the 10 commandments where it say's, "And thou shall not steal" do you know what is going to happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: No Father I don't.
Preacher: The person who stole your bicycle is going to feel so guilty and ashamed for stealing your brand new bicycle they are going to return it to you. So what are you going to do Jimmy?
Jimmy: I'm going to get down on my knees, and pray to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I ask him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I'm going to recite the 10 commandments and when I gets to the part about, "Thou shall not Steal," the thief is going to feel so guilty and ashamed he is going to return my bike to me.
Preacher: Now you go on home and do this Jimmy, and a miracle will happen!
Jimmy: Yes Father I will, thank you.

A couple days go by and the Preacher is out walking and he sees Jimmy on his way home from work riding his new bike:

Preacher: Jimmy, praise the Lord I see your bike was returned!
Jimmy: Yes Father it sure was, it was a miracle just like you said.

Preacher: So how did it happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: I did just like you told me Father. I got down on my knees, and prayed to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I asked him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I recited the 10 commandments just like you told me, and when I got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I'd left my bicycle.
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

Biggus Dickus

Jimmy was out walking one evening when he spots another man standing on the edge of the bridge about to jump off to his death.

So Jimmy runs over to the other man and says, "Stop. Don't do it"!  "Why shouldn't I", replies the desperate man?

Jimmy tells the other man that there is much to live for in this world, and the other man replies, "Like what"?

"Are you religious", asks Jimmy?

"Yes", the other man says?

"So am I", pleads Jimmy "so am I".
"Are you Christian or Buddhist"?
"Christian".
"Me too"

"Catholic or Protestant"
"Protestant"

"Me too, yells Jimmy, Me too".
"Are you Episcopalian or Baptist"?
"Baptist".


"Me too, yells Jimmy, Me too".
"Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of Lord"?
"Baptist Church of God".


"Me too, yells Jimmy, Me too".
"Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God"?
"Reformed Baptist Church of God"


"Me too, yells Jimmy, Me too".
"Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation 1879, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation 1915"!

Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation 1915"!

"Die you heretic son of a bitch", and then Jimmy pushed the other man off the bridge.
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

Tank

I just made this up and posted in on Facebook  :D

BMWs are to Cars as Islam is to Religions.

Not all BMW drivers are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes drive BMWs.

Not all Muslims are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes follow Islam.

If your are offended by this grow up  :D

I'm waiting to see how many Muslims who drive BMWs get to see my page!
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tom62

Quote from: Tank on May 24, 2017, 12:45:06 PM
I just made this up and posted in on Facebook  :D

BMWs are to Cars as Islam is to Religions.

Not all BMW drivers are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes drive BMWs.

Not all Muslims are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes follow Islam.

If your are offended by this grow up  :D

I'm waiting to see how many Muslims who drive BMWs get to see my page!

I just wonder how many people already called you an Islamophobe or a racist  ;).
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein

Tank

Quote from: Tom62 on May 24, 2017, 07:24:52 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 24, 2017, 12:45:06 PM
I just made this up and posted in on Facebook  :D

BMWs are to Cars as Islam is to Religions.

Not all BMW drivers are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes drive BMWs.

Not all Muslims are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes follow Islam.

If your are offended by this grow up  :D

I'm waiting to see how many Muslims who drive BMWs get to see my page!

I just wonder how many people already called you an Islamophobe or a racist  ;).
One young Muslim lad got the hump so far. He's only 17 so there is still hope.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Guardian85

Quote from: Tank on May 24, 2017, 07:31:27 PM
One young Muslim lad got the hump so far. He's only 17 so there is still hope.

It's probably a prefectly innocent turn of phrase in brit English, but to me that sounded a little suggestive....   ;D


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Dave

Quote from: Guardian85 on May 25, 2017, 09:30:43 AM
Quote from: Tank on May 24, 2017, 07:31:27 PM
One young Muslim lad got the hump so far. He's only 17 so there is still hope.

It's probably a prefectly innocent turn of phrase in brit English, but to me that sounded a little suggestive....   ;D

You mean "hump"? I think it was used for "a bit annoyed" in English before it had connotations of having nooky. Always amusing how the "value" of words changes, it is what makes American a "cousin" of English rather than a "brother". How did the word for a bundle of kindling twigs or a meatball made from offal ever get to mean "homosexual" for example? Can only think of  the "fagging" system in upper crust English schools and their reputation for being "all boys together", a term that is worth Googling for a giggle, often sung as "all queers together" in a parody of the Eton Boat Song. The words of the actual song include, "Swing, swing together with our backs between our knees" Of course, that refers to the position and action of rowing a racing boat, in a line, each close behind the other, sliding back and forth . . .

Similar to that group activity known as a "daisy chain".
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

xSilverPhinx

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."
I am what survives if it's slain - Zack Hemsey


joeactor

Quote from: xSilverPhinx on May 25, 2017, 08:58:35 PM
Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Ha!

Ok, have you ever eaten Chinese-German fusion cuisine?
An hour later, you're hungry for power.

Biggus Dickus

This is a short funny video with comedian Russell Howard, and you have to watch it through to the end. 8)


"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

OldGit


Dave

Why is that I do not find that sort of humour particularly humorous I wonder?

It is not the subject or the language, maybe it is because the whole thing seems "artificial" to my mind in that it is constructed just to exploit those aspects. Without them it falls flat.

But, that's just me, good thing we are all a bit different.
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

Guardian85

Don't know about the giant cock costume, but if nobody shows up at my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper I shall refuse to be buried.  ;D


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-