Catholic parents - still in denial?

[cr0ybot]

I am 21 years old, a senior in college, and essentially out of my parents' house. I was raised Catholic, and went to Catholic church, Catholic grade school, and Catholic high school.  I began privately calling myself an atheist as a sophmore in high school, but I kept up the charade for my parents until I was 18, and even then the subject had only come up because some of my teachers had found out and expressed their concern to my mother.

Regardless, I am an atheist and my parents know it.  They sing in the choir every Sunday and participate in church activities.  My mother is still involved with Boy Scouts, in which I am no longer interested in participating after gaining the rank of Eagle Scout and shamefully lying about my religious beliefs to stay with the organization and attain that rank.  The rest of my extended family are clueless for the most part, and I rarely bring it up with friends in college.  I have a younger brother who has done nothing but make trouble; he's been arrested multiple times for such things as abusing alcohol, drunk driving, and possession of marijuana with intent to sell.  Yet he claims that he is Catholic too, while I am a well-behaved and intelligent person without religion.

I love my mother, but she is really starting to frustrate me.  Beginning in May, she has been urging me to participate in a religious musical that her church will be putting on next March.  I have gently declined the offer multiple times, stating scheduling concerns with my senior thesis project next semester, and though lack-of-time is a good reason, she knows it isn't the main one.  Yet she continues to push it, even bothering my equally atheistic cousin (and best friend) to participate.  She states that she wants to see me in a musical one last time, like I used to do in high school (where I played such rolls as the preacher in "Footloose" and God in "Children of Eden").

Now she wants me to sing in the church choir for the Christmas masses this holiday season, with the excuse that it wasn't her asking, but the choir director.  I used to sing with them before coming out, and of course none of those "church people" know about my belief changes.  I do not wish to scar their public image within their social groups by burdening them with a publicly atheistic son, but I do not want religion to continue to have a hold on me for the rest of my life.  I have no non-atheist excuse to give the choir director, and I'm surprised that he hasn't noticed and taken a hint at my absences at all holiday masses for the past 4 years.  If I give in, I will continue to receive this request, among many others, no doubt.

So I come to you for advice. Has anyone experienced similar situations?  How can I go about this tactfully and respectfully?  I can make and have made personal sacrifices in the past when it comes to my principles, but I cannot let this continue forever.

-cr0ybot

[susangail]

(Welcome to HAF, btw )

Any hoo, I'm in a similar boat (though not formerly Catholic) I'm a relatively open atheist and have been for a few months, and my dad still asks me to church events. I know what you mean about not wanting to tell church folk and I completely agree. It's unnecessary at the moment.

As far as what to do about the choir event, just remember, you have absolutely no obligation to be a part of it. None at all.

I would not recommend giving in on this one. That's what they're looking for, a give. Just one give and they have you.  (just from experience of course, I don't know the people you're dealing with personally.) Just say what you're comfortable saying. Like that you don't have time or you simply don't want to. They should respect your decision.

There's no exact answer for what you can do in this situation and others like it. It all just comes from experience. It's like the coming out process where the more people you tell, the easier it gets. The more times you say "no", the easier it gets and the more the people asking you will get it.

HAF is a great place. Welcome again and happy posting!

[Whitney]

Welcome to HAF

I haven't had to deal with this, but if I were you I'd tell my mom that I had already made it clear that I was no longer a believer and accordingly have no interest in participating in church activities.  If she wants to see you in a play that badly maybe there is a volunteer based neighborhood play you could both take part in (though I imagine the play is just an excuse to get you into the church).  Let her tell the choir director whatever she wants, there is no need for you to have to come up with the 'acceptable' excuse and I don't see why you'd have to contact the director yourself.  Make sure she doesn't equate your not going to church with not loving her....parents can be weird about that.

[SSY]

It sounds very manipulative of her to use the whole "One last time... Like you used to" ploy about the play. I would simply inform her that the previous times you have been in the play, you did it under duress and had no wish to participate or believed in her god, then again, I would never have let it get this far ( last part not much help obviously ). You have handled it very sensitively up until now, which is certainly commendable, but it seems like slightly less subtle methods are called for. I imagine once you state your intentions in this way, and make clear your feelings about the church etc, the requests will stop.

As for the choir thing, I am sure she would rather make an excuse for you, rather than you tell the preacher you are an atheist, given this choice, she will almost certainly choose to leave it. This way of dealing with it probably sounds very harsh and ungrateful, but I have a very low tolerance for this sort of thing. Out of interest, where does your father fit into all this, what does he think of your atheism, does he want you to go back to church?

Welcome to HAF  :yay:  :yay:

P.S. From the way you describe your situation, I would be somewhat worried about being ambushed with some manner of terrible intervention, but then again, I could be paranoid!

[Ellainix]

My boyfriend is in the same hole, except his parents don't know.

It's like being a spy, except you really don't care.

[cr0ybot]

Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful replies.  I'm getting the overwhelming response that I shouldn't give in.  I suppose I should have come to this conclusion myself, but I needed some reassurance, and I don't have any friends that relate.

My father plays a strange roll in all of this.  As a kid I remember going to church without him because he wasn't religious.  My mother would reassure me that he believed in God and Jesus, he just wasn't part of our church.  Before graduating from gradeschool, he was apparently talked into converting to Catholicism, and I served as an alter boy at the mass where he was officially brought into the church.  

He is much more tactful and aware of my feelings than my mother, but he wants the same things she does.  I see him cringe when my mother brings it up, but he proceeds to back her up with small reassurances to me that it's not so bad, it's just singing, etc.

[Renegnicat]

Good god, man, I'm an atheist and I actively participate in my church activities. I'm not shy about telling people I'm an atheist either, but aside from all the religious mumbo jumbo, these are good people, and there's absolutely no reason why you can't have your cake and eat it too!

For example, I helped build a fence and tile the small hall with a bunch of knights of columbus a while back, and afterwards helped myself to many good turkey sandwiches and fruit punch. Then when it came time to attend mass, I laughed it off and said "no thanks". They asked why, and I said, "I don't believe. I'm an atheist." General confusion followed.

I helped with the fall festival, too, swapping BS stories with the knights, and doing the meat rub, and afterwords I was given ten dollars in free tickets for my help! I helped myself to two angus burgers, a turkey leg, and a slab of brisket and sweet-potato pie. I even won a little one-armed monkey! Then, when the time came to go to mass, I laughed it off and, again, said "no thanks".

I have been in some plays, too. One where I played the great Satan in the garden of eden(the church presented me with a little minature oscar trophy!), and one where I played Jesus at the crucificion. (Back then, with my long hair, beard, and mexican face. I looked the perfect part. I've actually been mistaken for an Iranian before. Honest) And while everybody was lowering their heads in prayer, I was snacking on the donuts and coffee table in the back! I didn't attend mass then, either.

And the reactions I have are hilarious. An atheist that's part of a congregation. Whaddya know. But it does two things: 1. It shows everyone that I am a good guy, and I get lot's of brownie points for the whole of atheist kind. 2. I meet a lot of people, and it's a great community. Just because it comes with a lot of Bullshit doesn't mean I have to put up with it. Good god man, do you want to end up FRIENDLESS??!?