Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Dave

Quote from: hermes2015 on July 14, 2017, 04:03:11 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 14, 2017, 01:27:59 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on July 14, 2017, 11:16:50 AM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 14, 2017, 08:30:12 AM
Quote from: No one on July 14, 2017, 02:22:08 AM
8 vowels? That's a pretty neat trick.

Your sentence contains 8 vowels, No!

Not counting the y's, I get 38 vowels.
But those in the picture sre already sentenced, Hernmes!

aaaceeehiknoprrssttttttvwy8'?

That is 8 vowels, 18 consonants, one number, one apostrophe and one question mark that No one managed to sentence here!

You should know by now that my IQ is similar to my shoe size.

English or metric shoe size? My IQ would be 41 sur le Continent, but here its only 7 here  :shrug:

But then, my trouser waist size is 32 here and 82 over there!  ;D
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

hermes2015

English (8).
"Eventually everything connects - people, ideas, objects. The quality of the connections is the key to quality per se."
― Charles Eames

Biggus Dickus

man: a whiskey please
bartender: "straight?"
man: gay, actually
bartender: "no that's... i meant like, neat."
man: i know right??
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

xSilverPhinx

I am what survives if it's slain - Zack Hemsey


No one


hermes2015

Have you ever wondered where mercury comes from?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
"Eventually everything connects - people, ideas, objects. The quality of the connections is the key to quality per se."
― Charles Eames

Arturo

It's Okay To Say You're Welcome
     Just let people be themselves.
     Arturo The1  リ壱

Dave

Quote from: hermes2015 on July 23, 2017, 06:00:02 AM
Have you ever wondered where mercury comes from?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Shoulda put that in the "Puns" thread!
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

Davin

Always question all authorities because the authority you don't question is the most dangerous... except me, never question me.

Biggus Dickus

"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

Tank

Pound coin gag scoops best Edinburgh Fringe joke award


The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2017

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

hermes2015

I come from a musical family. In fact, my one uncle died while conducting.

He was struck by lightning.
"Eventually everything connects - people, ideas, objects. The quality of the connections is the key to quality per se."
― Charles Eames

Essie Mae

Quote from: Tank on August 22, 2017, 06:40:31 AM
Pound coin gag scoops best Edinburgh Fringe joke award


The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2017

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

Was going to put these on, but didn't have time. 5 is my favourite.
Hell is empty and all the devils are here. Wm Shakespeare


Dave

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
Passed Monday 10th Dec 2018 age 74

Tom62

The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein