A somewhat-brief summary of Holly, an atheist with OCD

[hollyda]

Hello, everyone.

I'm not typically good at these introduction posts, but I do want to get things off on the right foot.

I'm a 26-year old author and editor, who answers phones and performs data entry to pay the bills. I graduated from Missouri State University in 2008 with a degree in Creative Writing and a minor in religious studies. Until meeting my fiancé, I identified as an agnostic.

I grew up in an odd marriage of secular liberalism and religious indoctrination. My grandfather is a bible-thumping Church of Christ minister. My mother has never been fundamental and enjoyed an on-again-off-again relationship with church. As a single mother, she often couldn't manage a working schedule and looking after me and my younger brother, so we ended up staying with my grandparents more often than not. This resulted in weekly Wednesday night services, Sunday services, and Sunday evening services. My mother could never claim to be an atheist, and still has trouble with the fact I labeled myself as such, but she has always leaned independent-liberal in her ideology, yet likewise never bothered to put a disclaimer on what I learned in the Church of Christ.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Church of Christ, they are an extremely conservative congregation, of the persuasion that not only will non-believers go to Hell, but indeed all congregations that are not Church of Christ, Christian or not. This never made sense to me, and I remember arguing vehemently with my very uncomfortable grandmother that it made little difference where and how church was conducted. Now, more enlightened CoC congregations might be of a different mindset, but the one in which I grew up subscribed to that belief.

When I was eight or nine, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. My OCD started in the familiar way of contamination fears, including but not limited to food contamination, poison contamination, germ contamination, and so on. I'd also repeatedly check the locks on the house at night before convincing myself no one would break in to kill my family. I became certain that something would happen to my mother, and would repeatedly page and/or call her at the office to make sure she was all right and hadn't been in an accident. This behavior came to a halt after a few sessions with a therapist, but my OCD resurfaced a few months later with the lesser-known obsessions: these being horrific thoughts about killing your loved ones. I was terrified of these thoughts and did everything I could to not have them, which (if you know anything about OCD) only made the symptoms worse. To exacerbate the issue, I was convinced I was going to Hell because of my thoughts, and would pray over and over again for forgiveness, just knowing if I were struck dead God would want nothing to do with me. For three months, I kept my suffering to myself because I knew I was the only person in the world who had ever had unwanted violent thoughts (which is absolute rubbish:"harm" thoughts about being a danger to others and oneself are among the most common for OCD sufferers). For those months, I routinely prayed for forgiveness, which was, of course, a futile effort. The second I envisioned my inner "slate" as clean, I'd have a violent thought and have to start all over again. One night, unable to live in my head any longer, I confessed my thoughts to my mother....who did not react particularly well, but that's another story. Suffice to say, I reentered therapy and learned my contamination fears had merely assumed a new form. OCD sufferers with these symptoms react so adversely to their thoughts because they know it is absolutely against their core self. I was merely a statistic of one in three.

It was understanding myself as an obsessive compulsive that first had me questioning religion. I began drifting away from the teachings I learned in Sunday school and eventually opted to not attend at all. I believed in God in passing, but not enough to care about the things I cared about when I thought I was damned. I also unknowingly began developing my political belief system. Once while in the car with my father, I saw some protesters outside a pharmacy who were speaking against abortion. Once my father explained what abortion was, I spent a very concentrated car ride home concluding I disagreed with the protesters and thought abortion was a personal decision that didn't involve them. I don't remember when exactly this was, but I was no younger than eight and no older than eleven. Similarly, it never occurred to me that homosexuals were deserving of Hell until I heard it one day in Sunday school. I was appalled that anyone would suggest it, let alone teach it in a church.  

Throughout high school, I maintained a roster of ideologically diverse friends but always ended up arguing liberal viewpoints when confronted with religious or conservative debates. I'm actually not certain when I stopped identifying myself as a Christian. Somewhere between believing gays weren't any different than us heteros and finding myself increasingly irritated that I had ever thought my OCD would land me in Hell, I became an agnostic.

When I entered college, I started taking religion courses because I was genuinely curious about the origins of the most popular belief systems of the day. I took one, then another, then another, and it somehow ended up being my minor. I volunteered for political campaigns, national and local, and wandered through agnosticism until my fiancé told me atheism doesn't mean not allowing for the possibility of a deity, which was what I had always thought. Rather, it's the position of, "Well...there might be a god. I just don't believe it."

I am an atheist with an opinion of religion that changes from day to day. I have seen the good it does: my grandparents and I do not agree on anything politically or ideologically, but they are very good people who have, to my observation, always lived by their beliefs. I have also seen the bad: anti-science education, religious arguments to restrict the freedom of all persons from enjoying the rights of others, protests, condemnation, judgment, and so on.

As for the rest...I'm a writer, mostly of paranormal romances (not a Twilight fan. I hail from the days of Buffy). I'm also an editor for Mundania LLC, and I do enjoy conversation, debate, and overall communication with both like-minded individuals and those who might not agree with me. I'm all for raising the level of debate, which means listening to differing viewpoints rather than talking over them. I look forward to getting to know users of this forum as well as learning better ways to explain myself to those who don't quite understand how an atheist can be moral and happy.

To those who read until the end, my thanks.

Peace,
Holly

[Recusant]

Hello and welcome to HAF, hollyda! Thank you for that extensive intro; I've always had a touch of OCD myself, but fortunately not enough for it to be a real problem. I sympathize with you though.
Wow, that's two writers joining here in as many days.  It must be that time of year.

I hope you enjoy your time reading and posting here.

[The Magic Pudding]

Wow, that's two writers joining here in as many days.  It must be that time of year.

Yes it is good, but the highly articulate do make some us of look shabby by comparison.
Anyway welcome Holly, Recusant has done the thing so I'll just say grrrrr argh.

[hollyda]

Heh. As I said, I don't like intros, but I know myself well enough to know that once I start, stopping is a little difficult. Thanks!

@The Magic Pudding - Re: Grrr, argh. BUNNIES, BUNNIES IT MUST BE BUNNIES!! ... or maybe midgets.

[fester30]

Welcome!  I hope you enjoy your stay.  Fell free to bring your fiancee!

[hollyda]

Thanks!

I've told him about the forum, and he might drop by. He loves a spirited debate. Heh heh.

[fester30]

Well then he'll be sorely disappointed.  There isn't much debating going on here.  We expect our members to read and repeat our dogma.  There will be no freedom of thought or speech here.  The only thing allowed is regurgitation.

[hollyda]

I think I took the wrong turn at Albuquerque....

[missedtheboat]

Welcome to you, as well! Sounds like you had a bit of a rough child hood, and I hope you have healed from that.

[hollyda]

Yeah, childhood was rough (and actually, I've blocked most of it out. Therapist says my brain is protecting me from the stuff that really hurt). But I believe I have healed. I'm marrying my best friend, I love what I do, and I'm very content with where I am.

Thank you! I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone here!

[Tank]

Hi holly

Makes note:- Beware if holly ever prefixes a post with 'long'  

Welcome to HAF!

Regards
Chris

[McQ]

Welcome, hollyda!

Thanks for the introduction. My reaction to the difficulty you've had was to think to myself, "Holy shit!"  Mainly because I don't know how I would have dealt with what you've had to deal with. Probably not as well as you have.

Glad to have you here, and I hope you fiancé decides to join too.

[Davin]

¡sɯnɹoÉŸ ǝɥʇ oʇ ǝɯoÉ"lǝʍ

[hollyda]

Makes note:- Beware if holly ever prefixes a post with 'long'   I went with "somewhat brief" because it was me in a nutshell, so it wasn't as long as it could've been. (You have been warned!)

Thanks!

[hollyda]

¡sɯnɹoÉŸ ǝɥʇ oʇ ǝɯoÉ"lǝʍ

I really thought that was Greek for a moment. *fail*