Raising kids catholic without lying to them

[Bucky_O'Hare]

I consider my self agnostic with atheist leanings (I'd probably be a 5.5 or 6 on Dawkins 7 pt. scale).  My fiance is Catholic but not strict.  She'd like our kids (future kids who don't exist yet I should clarify) to go to Catholic school.  I'm actually okay with this as long as they don't come home crying one day because a teacher told them that daddy's going to hell for not believing/being Catholic/whatever.

I appreciate that my fiance's faith is important to her.  And she's fine with the children determining their own faith as they grow older.  She just wants to give them a starting point (i.e. she's fine if they turn out like me ).  

On the one hand I don't want to undermine her faith but on the other I won't lie to them (I may make an exception for Santa).  What could I tell them when they ask me questions about life and stuff?  Anyone have any experience dealing with similar situations?

[joeactor]

Hi Bucky - Welcome.

I was raised Catholic, and consequently had to discover other religions and un-learn quite a bit on my own.

Not sure that going to Catholic school is the best "starting point" for a child who you are going to let decide for themselves.
Seems like stacking the deck.  A better starting point might be a more neutral position regarding religion (or lack thereof).

I will say that I learned a lot of good things by being raised Catholic, and since I can't relive my childhood, I can't really say that it would have been easier had I been raised in a more neutral environment.

Tough choices, but it's best to address them before any indoctrination happens.

Tell the truth as you see it.  Have your wife do the same.  It's best to be honest and treat your children with respect.
They've got to feel free to ask questions, and hear honest answers (even if they conflict).

Hope this helps somewhat,
JoeActor

[PoopShoot]

I gotta say I disagree with Joe somewhat.  The best thing is to deliver input from both sides, not start from a neutral position.  In a religiously neutral house, any little opinion tips the neutrality.  Given opinions on both sides, however, will produce a neutrality of sorts.  That said, I DO agree that religious school is a BAD idea.  I'm sure my experience with religious school was very different from Joe's, but I would NEVER allow my children to partake in what I was forced to endure as a child.  Have her take the child to church, but don't let her have the nuns force that shit down his throat daily.  Of course, there is also the flip side: I wouldn't have known the bible so well had I not gone through religious school.

[notself]

I went to a Catholic school through 7 grade.  I was lucky that it was excellent in academics, many religious schools are not.  However I never completely got rid of the shame part of Catholicism.  It comes up in odd ways even today.  I envy those who went to secular schools.  

Why not compromise?  Send the kids to secular school and let them attend CCD on the weekends.  Chances are they will miss as many classes as they attend but the form will be kept so your wife can tell her parents that the kids are getting religious instructions.  Irregular attendance at CCD will also make it difficult for them to be subjected to the damaging sacrament of Confession and the nonsense of First Communion.  

The money you save by not paying tuition for a private school can be saved for their college educations, or braces.  

[Bucky_O'Hare]

Why not compromise? Send the kids to secular school and let them attend CCD on the weekends.

Send kids to school on weekends?  What kind of monster are you?

[Intercourseman72]

Not all religious or Catholic schools are even that religious. I don't know how hard it would be to find an elementary school or high school that has religion as being mostly optional though. All my experience with Catholic schools is with St. Edwards University, which is less religious than UTD. All there was was a chapel people could pray at and that was it. It basically compartmentalized religion from academics (unless you were a theology major I guess).

[notself]

Why not compromise? Send the kids to secular school and let them attend CCD on the weekends.

Send kids to school on weekends?  What kind of monster are you? lol

[Zklinedi]

I personally don't think it matters all that much, I went to Catholic school through 4th grade (school lost funding), then my mother started taking me to a Baptist Church. The thing that really turned me atheist was the fact that my parents had 2 religions(I understand the OP's potential family only has one religion but there are 2 opposing viewpoints) If anyone knows anything about Baptists and Catholics...they don't care for each other too much, so I got to hear propaganda from both sides and in my young fragile mind decided they were bullshit.

In conclusion, give the kid more credit, all people eventually make their own decisions. Look at it this way, let your wife take the kid to church into his early teens, then when the kid rebels he/she will drop the church thing...and lets be honest you'll be the cool dad anyway.

[humblesmurph]

No.  Do not send the kiddies to the Catholic school.  When they are old enough to know what is going on, if they want to go to Church, don't try to stop them.  However, to spoon feed religion to very young children seems wrong.

[Zklinedi]

If you have boy for his sake don't let him be an altar boy

[Thumpalumpacus]

Hi Bucky - Welcome.

I was raised Catholic, and consequently had to discover other religions and un-learn quite a bit on my own.

Not sure that going to Catholic school is the best "starting point" for a child who you are going to let decide for themselves.
Seems like stacking the deck.  A better starting point might be a more neutral position regarding religion (or lack thereof).

I will say that I learned a lot of good things by being raised Catholic, and since I can't relive my childhood, I can't really say that it would have been easier had I been raised in a more neutral environment.

Tough choices, but it's best to address them before any indoctrination happens.

Tell the truth as you see it.  Have your wife do the same.  It's best to be honest and treat your children with respect.
They've got to feel free to ask questions, and hear honest answers (even if they conflict).

Hope this helps somewhat,
JoeActor

As a father whose 12 yo son had a Catholic mother, I can tell you, this is good advice.

Skip the Catholic school.  If you cannot do so because of her, then make sure you augment what they teach with plenty of science and logical training, in case they're one of those which skimps in those areas.

Always tell the truth to your child(ren), and make sure wifey knows this will be the case all the time.  She cannot quite counsel you to lie.

[NothingSacred]

I consider my self agnostic with atheist leanings (I'd probably be a 5.5 or 6 on Dawkins 7 pt. scale).  My fiance is Catholic but not strict.  She'd like our kids (future kids who don't exist yet I should clarify) to go to Catholic school.  I'm actually okay with this as long as they don't come home crying one day because a teacher told them that daddy's going to hell for not believing/being Catholic/whatever.

I appreciate that my fiance's faith is important to her.  And she's fine with the children determining their own faith as they grow older.  She just wants to give them a starting point (i.e. she's fine if they turn out like me ).  

On the one hand I don't want to undermine her faith but on the other I won't lie to them (I may make an exception for Santa).  What could I tell them when they ask me questions about life and stuff?  Anyone have any experience dealing with similar situations?

Im in a similar situation and i think the best starting point is to expose them to many religions and explain that there are people who have no religion at all. Ive already decided that when the god/where did we come from question comes up i will simply say" people have been trying to figure out where we can from why etc for a long time nobody knows for sure some say a god did it like your father and some say natural causes like me but its up to you to study and decided"...its good to have all of your milestone talks planned out before the kids get there so you dont freak the hell out when the kid asks.

[wildfire_emissary]

Please don't send him/her to any religious school. The dogma of your wife may be enough to convert the kid (based on my experience, it was). Send him to a public or private non-sectarian school. At least the religious bullshit there is not as heavy as in religious schools. And I concur with Thump augmenting his/her education with science and training on logic.

[Category]

I'd say catholic school would be a bad idea, but I've a special place on my blacklist for catholicism. 95% of the immediate family being conservative irish catholics, it's been hard growing up as a liberal atheist often facing ridicule from the more extreme of my family slipping myself and my mother hints that we're both going to hell for not attending church. I never went because I don't enjoy having bullshit spilled into my ears from every direction, and my mother couldn't deal with me being a single working parent.

 Let your kids decide for themselves, maybe make an agreement that there be as little influence as possible when it comes to the kids and that it's not to prevent them from becoming catholic, merely to give them the oppurtunity to experiment. "I don't care if they become budhist, let's let them decide."

[Ihateyoumike]

Have her take the child to church, but don't let her have the nuns force that shit down his throat daily.  

It's not the nuns I would be worried about with that one!