Author Topic: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )  (Read 78726 times)

joeactor

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4170 on: September 07, 2017, 07:58:22 PM »
I think they're saying they think you're that snail from that movie, and their lives have been painted a lovely shade of delight with you in it, Joseph.
I have a few questions:
"They" sounds like a lot of people. Who are, "they?" and what movie are you talking about? Also, who is Joseph?

"They" are like "Them"... only meaner.
(mst3k quote from something)

Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4171 on: September 08, 2017, 06:38:24 PM »
ce n'est pas une blague

Item on BBCs comedy "News Quiz" from a local paper somewhere in England:

" . . . during a strip search of the suspect a large amount of crack was found in the back of his trousers."

And another, from the online description of a beauty spot:

"The northern part of Slapton Sands is regularly used by naturists, so please plan your visit to ensure you see all the bits you want to."
« Last Edit: September 08, 2017, 07:02:58 PM by Dave »
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hermes2015

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4172 on: September 08, 2017, 07:09:36 PM »
ce n'est pas une blague

Item on BBCs comedy "News Quiz" from a local paper somewhere in England:

" . . . during a strip search of the suspect a large amount of crack was found in the back of his trousers."

And another, from the online description of a beauty spot:

"The northern part of Slapton Sands is regularly used by naturists, so please plan your visit to ensure you see all the bits you want to."
;)

Essie Mae

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4173 on: September 08, 2017, 08:29:08 PM »
Well I've never punched anyone yet, but....
ESs
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Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4174 on: September 09, 2017, 12:35:34 PM »
Well I've never punched anyone yet, but....
Yes, I can understand that this might provoke violence. There is an historical precedent for it, the Romans did fight the Punic Wars.
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Essie Mae

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4175 on: September 12, 2017, 11:13:39 PM »
Well I've never punched anyone yet, but....
Yes, I can understand that this might provoke violence. There is an historical precedent for it, the Romans did fight the Punic Wars.

A puny response if I may say so 🙄
ESs
Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people; otherwise there would be no religious people. House MD


Papasito Bruno

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4176 on: September 29, 2017, 08:38:27 PM »
Interviewer: What would you consider one of your strengths?
Me: I can perform under pressure
Interviewer: Can you give me an example?
Me: *deep breath*

Um Boom Ba Bay,
Um Boom Ba Bay,
Ba Ba Boom Ba Be Be,

PRESSURE!

Pushing down on me,... Pressing down on you...No man ask for...
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Or. Carlos, depending on who's available.

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Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4177 on: September 29, 2017, 09:02:16 PM »
Interviewer: What would you consider one of your strengths?
Me: I can perform under pressure
Interviewer: Can you give me an example?
Me: *deep breath*

Um Boom Ba Bay,
Um Boom Ba Bay,
Ba Ba Boom Ba Be Be,

PRESSURE!

Pushing down on me,... Pressing down on you...No man ask for...

 :headscratch:
Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.

Dave

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Papasito Bruno

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4179 on: September 29, 2017, 09:35:23 PM »
^^ ;D
« Last Edit: September 29, 2017, 09:59:08 PM by Father Bruno »
Every taco is hand rolled with exotic Mexican spices by genuine Mayan Virgins.
Or. Carlos, depending on who's available.

I really, really hate anti-semantics.

Dave

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4180 on: September 29, 2017, 09:58:10 PM »


 :lol:

Later: I suddenly thought that in the ten or twelve times that I have been to people's homes to help them with their computers it was mainly the women partners who wanted to learn and who asked the more intelligent questions.
« Last Edit: September 30, 2017, 01:28:50 PM by Dave »
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Magdalena

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4181 on: October 01, 2017, 10:48:53 PM »







“I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe.” ~Recusant

"Color me fascinated..." ~Asmodean, The Gray God.

Papasito Bruno

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4182 on: October 08, 2017, 09:16:09 PM »
^^^ :lol: Well done Maggy!

Here's a couple of jokes I've posted before, slightly updated the second one,


So Jimmy is walking slowly down the street, and his face long and full of despair when he passes by the local preacher, who stops Jimmy and says:

Preacher: Hey Jimmy why the long face?
Jimmy:  Hello Father, well I’m not doing well. You see I just bought a brand new bicycle and it was stolen, and I don’t have the money right now to get a new one and it’s the only way I have to get to work, so if I don’t get my bike back I’ll probably lose my job.

Preacher: Here’s what I want you to do Jimmy, you believe in Jesus Christ don’t you?
Jimmy: Why yes of course Father I believe in Jesus.
Preacher: You accept him as your savior don’t you?
Jimmy: Yes Father I accept Jesus as my lord and savior.
Preacher: So I want you to get down on your knees for Jesus can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees for Jesus.
Preacher:  I want you to pray to Jesus, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and pray to Jesus.
Preacher: And I want you to ask Jesus to forgive your wicked ways, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and say a prayer to Jesus and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness.
Preacher: And then I want you to recite the 10 commandments, you do know the 10 commandments don’t you Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father, I know the 10 commandments, and I’ll get down on my knees and pray to Jesus, and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness, and than recite the 10 commandments.
Preacher: When you get to that part of the 10 commandments where it say’s, “And thou shall not steal” do you know what is going to happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: No Father I don’t.
Preacher: The person who stole your bicycle is going to feel so guilty and ashamed for stealing your brand new bicycle they are going to return it to you. So what are you going to do Jimmy?
Jimmy: I’m going to get down on my knees, and pray to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I ask him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I’m going to recite the 10 commandments and when I gets to the part about, “Thou shall not Steal,” the thief is going to feel so guilty and ashamed he is going to return my bike to me.
Preacher: Now you go on home and do this Jimmy, and a miracle will happen!
Jimmy: Yes Father I will, thank you.

A couple days go by and the Preacher is out walking and he sees Jimmy on his way home from work riding his new bike, and says:

Preacher: Jimmy, praise the Lord I see your bike was returned!
Jimmy: Yes Father it sure was, it was a miracle just like you said.

Preacher: So how did it happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: I did just like you told me Father. I got down on my knees, and prayed to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I asked him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I recited the 10 commandments just like you told me, and when I got to the part about “Thou shall not commit adultery,”...I remembered where I’d left my bicycle.


Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's George Washington's clock. The hands have moved once, telling us that the founding father only told one lie in his entire life, apparently he didn't cut down the cherry tree."

Pointing the man said, "What about that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Trunp's clock?" asked the man.

"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Every taco is hand rolled with exotic Mexican spices by genuine Mayan Virgins.
Or. Carlos, depending on who's available.

I really, really hate anti-semantics.

Magdalena

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4183 on: October 09, 2017, 01:04:32 AM »


“I've had several "spiritual" or numinous experiences over the years, but never felt that they were the product of anything but the workings of my own mind in reaction to the universe.” ~Recusant

"Color me fascinated..." ~Asmodean, The Gray God.

xSilverPhinx

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #4184 on: October 12, 2017, 10:24:06 PM »
I'm just a student of the game that they taught me.