Heaven?

[Sophus]

So... what do you tell your six year old son when grandma dies? As an atheist I cannot say that she has gone to heaven. And the whole "death is nothingness" theory is most likely too complex. What is to be offered as words of comfort?

[joeactor]

So... what do you tell you son when grandma dies? As an atheist I cannot say that she has gone to heaven. And the whole "death is nothingness" theory is most likely too complex. What is to be offered as words of comfort?

Please accept my condolences on your loss.

As a theist, I believe that some part of us goes on.  As an agnostic, I can't even fathom a guess as to how that would work (heaven, reincarnation, etc.)

From a purely scientific view, we do continue on, in a fashion.  The material that makes up our bodies will be used by the earth and other living things.  Even our "soul" goes on in the memory of others, and in the acomplishments that have had an effect on the timeline.

Each of us does have an effect on the world and the future, so maybe in that sense death is not merely "nothingness", but a continuation in another form...

Now I really need a drink!  roflol ),
JoeActor

[Kylyssa]

So... what do you tell your six year old son when grandma dies? As an atheist I cannot say that she has gone to heaven. And the whole "death is nothingness" theory is most likely too complex. What is to be offered as words of comfort?

I personally think children are never too young for the truth.  I have no children but I was raised in an atheist family.  I clearly recall my father sitting me down and explaining that death was like that time of subjective nothingness before I was born.  

There's no fear, no suffering, no anything.  There's no need to worry about or be afraid for grandma any more because she no longer exists.  I think it's also important to point out that every living thing must one day die but that while everyone dies not everyone is lucky enough to be loved.  Grandma was loved and led a good life - that's all anyone could ask for.  

Sure, it's going to hurt but children who get told the heaven lie get hurt, too.  At least a child who is told the truth will have rock solid reasons to trust his parents.  Loss hurts, there's no getting around it.  Being honest and compassionate is a good path to follow.  Sharing your feelings of loss can be important both for you and your child.

As far as offering comfort, it might be helpful to talk about grandma through sharing good memories.  Looking through photo albums that include grandma might help, too.  

My mama told me that love is something that survives death.  There's no consciousness to it but it is something from a person that lives on but only if we feed it, share it, and nurture it.  To this day, I feel I am honoring her every time I do something from a place of love.  

I, too, am sorry for your loss.  (((Hugs)))

[Zarathustra]

So... what do you tell your six year old son when grandma dies? As an atheist I cannot say that she has gone to heaven. And the whole "death is nothingness" theory is most likely too complex. What is to be offered as words of comfort?

Accept my condolences as well.
My older son is now 8 years old, and his grandmother died when he was 5. (My younger is 4 b.t.w.). I agree entirely with kylyssa that you shoul not lie to your kid about it. But here is a way that worked fantastically for me, that my dad did when I experienced a loss as a kid. - And which worked even better when I repeated that with my son 3 years ago: I read the kids novel "The Brothers Lionheart" by Astrid Lindgren as bedtime reading. She was an atheist, and that book (which is about death) can give a kid just the comfort he/she needs, at those times. The best thing about it is: There is no doubt in their mind all along, that it is a fiction. Yet it still gives them the same comfort that religious children gets from their stories. I guess a comforting story is what it is, whether you believe it to be true or not.    
I hope this practical advice can be of use to you.

[DennisK]

I agree with being honest.  You may want to focus on keeping the good memories alive.  Regularly share personal stories you have with your kids and have them do the same and they will live on in memory.  I have thought about this issue for some time and have problems with what is best.  Fortunately, we have not had to deal with this issue.  If you wouldn't mind, please share with us how you handle it and how it's received by your kids.  I have 3 kids (11,8,3) and your experience along with anyone else's in the same situation, could be beneficial to me.  Thanks.

[rlrose328]

So... what do you tell your six year old son when grandma dies? As an atheist I cannot say that she has gone to heaven. And the whole "death is nothingness" theory is most likely too complex. What is to be offered as words of comfort?

I'm so sorry for your loss...

My father passed away in 2005 when my son was 5.  Grandma talked about heaven and seeing Grandpa again and we didn't correct her to her face.  She was grieving the person she'd known for over 50 years and it served no purpose to hurt her any further (at that very minute) by refuting her beliefs.

However, behind closed doors away from Grandma, we told Brendan that Grandpa had been in pain for awhile, had an operation that alleviated his pain for 3 months, and then his heart stopped because it wasn't working right, like when the battery dies in his Gameboy.  He asked if we could recharge Grandpa.     We said his battery wasn't replaceable right then, so we had to let him go.  While his body is gone for good, we can keep remembering him for as long as WE live and smile when we think of him.  And by all means, we will miss him sometimes so much, it will hurt.  But if he could, I'm sure he'd tell us to get on with our lives and not miss him too much.

Brendan seemed to understand it well, especially the dying battery thing (worked well that it was a massive heart attack that felled that big, strong man).  We mainly stressed that Grandpa loved him, that no one lives forever for several good reasons, and that we will always remember how much we loved Grandpa, too.  

We went to where Grandpa had died (in a Walgreens), and Brendan laid down on the floor where Grandpa died.  I thought I'D stop breathing.  And at the viewing, we let Brendan see Grandpa, touch his hand, and see that Grandpa isn't warm and breathing anymore, that this is the shell that WAS Grandpa, but what made Grandpa Grandpa is gone.

He asked us about what Grandma said... Grandpa in heaven, watching over us, we'll see him again, etc.  We told him that Grandma loved Grandpa SO much, she's very lonely without him, and it makes her feel better to believe she'll see him again.  And that we will NEVER correct her about that.  It's her right to believe that, even if we don't.  He's a logical kid... he seemed to understand.

I hope you find the words you need.  It's not an easy time WITHOUT having to come up with explanations, I know.

[Sophus]

My sincerest of gratitude to all of you. I really appreciate the The Brothers Lionheart idea too.

[Wechtlein Uns]

So... what do you tell your six year old son when grandma dies? As an atheist I cannot say that she has gone to heaven. And the whole "death is nothingness" theory is most likely too complex. What is to be offered as words of comfort?

I'm so sorry for your loss...

My father passed away in 2005 when my son was 5.  Grandma talked about heaven and seeing Grandpa again and we didn't correct her to her face.  She was grieving the person she'd known for over 50 years and it served no purpose to hurt her any further (at that very minute) by refuting her beliefs.

However, behind closed doors away from Grandma, we told Brendan that Grandpa had been in pain for awhile, had an operation that alleviated his pain for 3 months, and then his heart stopped because it wasn't working right, like when the battery dies in his Gameboy.  He asked if we could recharge Grandpa.   :hail:

[rlrose328]

rlrose, that was one of the coolest things I have read in a long time. Awesome.  :-)