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Commencement of suicide

Started by Cite134, October 08, 2010, 10:57:40 AM

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Cite134

I know I seem like that only crybaby who complains on forums about my personal adversity, and I am not sure why I even created this thread. On the other hand, I just wanted to know if anyone else feels like this. As an atheist (and as a christian in the past)....I've ALWAYS felt like life was a heavy burden. I cannot stand breathing, and I fail to develop a meaning for all of this. As a struggling alcoholic, I consistently fail to create meaningful relationships with people. If it were up to me, I would choose to thrive on my own without the aid of others. Yet, as a social creature, I lie to myself. I truly DESIRE to have relationships with other people ( a girlfriend would be nice as well).

As a social animal, I realized that I cannot live without a community. Everytime I enter in social environments, I always feel like I have to put on a mask to fit in with people. This has been going on for years. I almost feel like there is this 'dark force' that will not leave me alone. I tried to develop this attitude of indifference, but I always seem to retract to that same emotional state. I'm beginning to feel as if I am simply mentally unstable. As I said, I am not even sure why I created this thread, but suicide seems like the only solution to my 'problem' because living is just causing more pain than I can possibly bear. If (rather, when I decide to commence this act), I'd like to let all of you know that you have provided a number of insights, and I am thankful for you all. Theist and atheist alike. :)
"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" - Carl Sagan.

Asmodean

I can certainly relate to the wanting meaningful relationships but rationalizing situation as better-off-alone thing.

I don't see life as a burden though. No, I'm not the happiest kid on the block, nor the most successful. Still, there are things in life I'm glad to have experienced. I'm pretty sure you have those too.

But then again, it does boil down to the amount of shit thrown at you measured up against your coping capabilities, does it not..?
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

The Magic Pudding

Quote from: "Cite134"I know I seem like that only crybaby who complains on forums about my personal adversity, and I am not sure why I even created this thread. On the other hand, I just wanted to know if anyone else feels like this.

I don't think you're a crybaby.
Yes other people do feel bleakness, the world isn't what it should be but there are good bits.


Quote from: "Cite134"As a struggling alcoholic, I consistently fail to create meaningful relationships with people. If it were up to me, I would choose to thrive on my own without the aid of others. Yet, as a social creature, I lie to myself. I truly DESIRE to have relationships with other people ( a girlfriend would be nice as well).

I'm sure you know alcohol only makes things worse.
Surely a doctor could prescribe something less damaging.


Quote from: "Cite134"As a social animal, I realized that I cannot live without a community. Everytime I enter in social environments, I always feel like I have to put on a mask to fit in with people.

Have you considered voluntary work?


Quote from: "Cite134"As I said, I am not even sure why I created this thread, but suicide seems like the only solution to my 'problem' because living is just causing more pain than I can possibly bear.

I'm sure others can answer your questions much better than me, but while we're waiting for some wisdom, I'll just say life can get better.

Category

I agree with the above posts in that there are the happier parts of life to look forward to, but I've also been in your position having been prescribed anti-depressants and my family hiding the kitchen knives every night. I've often sat up at night thinking about how I've lost most if not all of my closest friends and relationships due to my paranoia and self diagnosed agoraphobia. I've never touched the bottle but suicide was a common thought and still is at times, the only things keeping me from attempting it were my personal responsibilities for the things I still love (Gf/Dog/WoW :drool  :drool  I tend to have a habit of telling my stories here, but I'm trying to relate to you that there are things to live for no matter how shitty life seems.

You certainly aren't a crybaby, life sucks big time.

 Adopt a puppy, or a kitten, or any animal really because what I've found is that even when I've fucked up everything and every relationship I can still come home and have my dog waiting for me and it's as if she lives only to make me happy, everything she does makes me smile or laugh.

P.S. I've also heard that dogs can be great conversation starters ;P To help with that girlfriend thing.
I ask theists if God is omnipotent. They say yes.
I ask theists if God loves us. They say yes.
I read the news paper or look on the web or remember other people's sad stories or remember things that happened to me...and I see that no omnipotent entity loves us.
I ask theists if they can prove their god. They can't.
So, I have excellent reason to

Asmodean

Quote from: "Category"P.S. I've also heard that dogs can be great conversation starters ;P To help with that girlfriend thing.
Giving my rats a sausage makes their ears go rounder than satellite dishes. Those ears, they've melted a few hearts for me  :raised:  )
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Category

Quote from: "Asmodean"
Quote from: "Category"P.S. I've also heard that dogs can be great conversation starters ;P To help with that girlfriend thing.
Giving my rats a sausage makes their ears go rounder than satellite dishes. Those ears, they've melted a few hearts for me  :raised:  )

 :secret: Poor thing...
I <3 my beagle, there's no way to walk her peacefully everyone has to pet her.
I ask theists if God is omnipotent. They say yes.
I ask theists if God loves us. They say yes.
I read the news paper or look on the web or remember other people's sad stories or remember things that happened to me...and I see that no omnipotent entity loves us.
I ask theists if they can prove their god. They can't.
So, I have excellent reason to

Cite134

Thanks for all the responses. I suppose my first problem is the alcohol, because I realize that I am not AS suicdial in a sober state of mind. On the other hand, when I am sober I feel the need to drink. Secondly, I am having a very difficult time developing a meaning for this life. I continuously find futility in everything I've considered medication, but I don't have the money to obtain it :verysad:

Maybe I should invest in getting a pet ( I feel like I can trust a dog more than my own species alot of times). But the last time the house (I share a house with college roomates) had a cat, there was complaining going on about the droppings. The absence of companionship may aslo be a contributor to my personal adversity.

In addition, I understand that this is not a psychology forum or anything like that, I suppose I am just venting. :shake:
"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" - Carl Sagan.

Cite134

Quote from: "The Magic Pudding"
Quote from: "Cite134"I know I seem like that only crybaby who complains on forums about my personal adversity, and I am not sure why I even created this thread. On the other hand, I just wanted to know if anyone else feels like this.

I don't think you're a crybaby.
Yes other people do feel bleakness, the world isn't what it should be but there are good bits.


Quote from: "Cite134"As a struggling alcoholic, I consistently fail to create meaningful relationships with people. If it were up to me, I would choose to thrive on my own without the aid of others. Yet, as a social creature, I lie to myself. I truly DESIRE to have relationships with other people ( a girlfriend would be nice as well).

I'm sure you know alcohol only makes things worse.
Surely a doctor could prescribe something less damaging.


Quote from: "Cite134"As a social animal, I realized that I cannot live without a community. Everytime I enter in social environments, I always feel like I have to put on a mask to fit in with people.

Have you considered voluntary work?


Quote from: "Cite134"As I said, I am not even sure why I created this thread, but suicide seems like the only solution to my 'problem' because living is just causing more pain than I can possibly bear.

I'm sure others can answer your questions much better than me, but while we're waiting for some wisdom, I'll just say life can get better.


I haven't tried voluntary work....that actually sounds like a good idea.
"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" - Carl Sagan.

navvelline

There is a quote I came to like once I entered the realm of "suicide awareness". I believe it goes something like this,

QuoteSuicide: A Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem.

With that out of the way, I'll add that I do know how you feel. Depression can make life seem more burdensome than it should be. But may I also add, that with all the woes and pains of life, it can always get better. Sometimes I think of myself as living proof of this. There were so many times in the past where I could have killed myself - I’ve even had a few close calls. But there was always something that held me back from committing suicide. Even though we may feel like absolute shite at times (adding alcohol and drugs could very well worsen how you feel, but that's entirely another subject.)

Getting over depression can be the hardest thing for someone to do, but it is possible. Giving your life meaning with (goals, family, friends, etc) is a good start. I had struggled with depression through my teens and into my early twenties, but I've given myself more meaning since five to seven years ago. With goals, family, even the occasional relationship (but I can honestly say, as someone previously said, sometimes you’re better off alone). Not always, but from the relationships I’ve experienced those people I involved myself with left me worse than they found me. So, I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on them. Although, when they work out, it is rather nice to have them; so it’s completely understandable for you to want one.

If I can give you any advice, it would be this:

Do rethink your position that suicide is the only solution to your problem. You might come to find that you develop a desire to live (as I’ve found, once I rethought the subject myself.)

I apologize for being all preachy, touchy-feely. I always feel the need to say that to people who give suicide serious consideration as their last resort to feeling better. Losing people to suicide is always tragic and heart-wrenching (as I’ve lost some of the dearest people I’ve come to know) through the means of suicide.

…I think it’s time to end my rambling post now.
Quote"I am so good, I will not stop. Five! Now six. Now seven on top!" - Dr. Seuss
Quote"Well I looked in my moms closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an ultravibe pleasure 2000." - Eric Cartman

epepke

Quote from: "Cite134"I know I seem like that only crybaby who complains on forums about my personal adversity, and I am not sure why I even created this thread.

Nah, you're probably the only person on this forum with whom I would be interested in talking.

It's simple, and I'm not going to bullshit you.  There are paths to a great life, and I've gone through them.  Well, maybe not so great.  I'm not rich, but at least I get to fuck a lot of women, and I'm pretty happy.  It's a very unpleasant path, and it hurts a lot, but when you get through it, things are simple and easy and nice.  I like it.

Do you want to do it or not?

Cite134

QuoteDo rethink your position that suicide is the only solution to your problem. You might come to find that you develop a desire to live (as I’ve found, once I rethought the subject myself.)
QuoteI apprecaite your input, but I believe the fundamental problem is finding a meaning in the first place. Traditional meanings such as: family, goals, or relationships are generally valued, but I always find futility in such things. So, If I do fail to develop a meaning, then suicide will be the only remedy.
"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" - Carl Sagan.

Cite134

Quote from: "epepke"
Quote from: "Cite134"I know I seem like that only crybaby who complains on forums about my personal adversity, and I am not sure why I even created this thread.

Nah, you're probably the only person on this forum with whom I would be interested in talking.

It's simple, and I'm not going to bullshit you.  There are paths to a great life, and I've gone through them.  Well, maybe not so great.  I'm not rich, but at least I get to fuck a lot of women, and I'm pretty happy.  It's a very unpleasant path, and it hurts a lot, but when you get through it, things are simple and easy and nice.  I like it.

Do you want to do it or not?


As the clock ticks, I find suicide to be more and more desireable.
"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence" - Carl Sagan.

Thumpalumpacus

Cite, forgive me for sounding preachy, but it sounds to me like you already know what the problems are.  What seems absent is the willpower to tackle the issues.

Please don't think I'm talking down to you; I'm not.  I share a few of the problems you mention, but not the guts to mention them.
Illegitimi non carborundum.

Will

I was born without a proper descending aorta. The necessary surgery happened when I was only 5 years old, but resulted in endocarditis, a severe heart infection. I was told, at age 5, I would never be able to lift more than 20 lbs. with my arms. I could never to sports, I could never pursue a job like policeman or fireman or soldier or astronaut. Not only that, but on my back, since age 5, has been a scar that whenever I see it reminds me of my mortality. Constantly. We moved several times when I was young, meaning I don't have the kinds of friends that go back to my childhood. When I was 17, there was a week when we moved, my dog died, and my parents told me they were getting a divorce. My best friend died from a shotgun shot to the face.

My point is things could always be worse, and you have to look at the silver lining in life. Despite my heart problem, I'm in great physical shape because I eat wel and exercise. Despite my childhood, I have a tight-knit group of friends who I know I can not just trust with my life, but with whom I share real honesty. I have a beagle that's awesome. I got a decent job out of college which has allowed me to subsequently quit and float, doing fun jobs. I've got a great girlfriend that's crazy about me. Things aren't perfect, but I'm doing well.

Adversity of the kind you're facing right now, this very second, can be utilized to help you become a stronger, happier, healthier person. Regardless of what you think, nothing is stopping you. If you focus instead of folding, there's a real possibility that you can find your way to a life that's fulfilling and enjoyable. Nothing will ever be perfect, but there's a life worth fighting for out there for you.
I want bad people to look forward to and celebrate the day I die, because if they don't, I'm not living up to my potential.

Whitney

Quote from: "Cite134"I've considered medication, but I don't have the money to obtain it

I have taken Rx antidepressants before and they really weren't any more expensive than if I had bought something over the counter (like st john's wort which may or may not actually work and is suspected of interfering with the birth control pill) you can always make sure the doc knows you are on a tight budget and need something affordable.  Many pharmacys offer $4 generics get a list of them and call around till you find a general practitioner who is willing to prescribe antidepressants.  You can probably pay for it by forcing yourself to wait a bit longer to drink on weekdays if you have to...plus that would be a good first step to correcting your drinking problem which is likely what is making you so depressed in the first place (alcohol is a depressant/downer drug).